


Earth Angel ~ A love story

by violetknights



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: M/M, Multi, Religious Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 08:00:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 57,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetknights/pseuds/violetknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Earth Angel – a love story</p><p>Two worlds collide as two young men from very different backgrounds meet. For one it is a mind opening journey of self discovery as he learns about living in ways he had never dreamed possible. For the other it is having to accept that the world isn't all rainbows and unicorns and that sometimes even white knights have to sit back and let their loved ones make their own decisions. Together they travel on their journey of self discovery but everything comes at cost - what price is each of them going to have to pay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [belladonnanoir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/belladonnanoir/gifts).



I am writing very small  
I am sitting very still  
If I pray that you don't see me  
Then perhaps you never will

 

Today was much the same as any other day; for Jensen each day, each week rolled into the next, an endless monotonous cycle. He had already been up for three hours and done his chores before spending the required hour in family prayer. He usually enjoyed the time spent in quiet contemplation, but once again last night his body had betrayed him. He had of course confessed his body's sinful action to his father and Alan, with that terrible look of pity and disappointment in his eyes had administered the usual punishment. Only his father never called it a punishment, that was Jensen's word for it. 

Alan patiently and repeatedly explained it was correction, a way to teach Jensen's body not to give itself over to lustful urges as he brought the thin switch biting down across Jensen's palm. But Jensen felt he must be stupid as well as somehow steeped in wickedness because it didn't seem to work. The pain of the stripes his father had caned into his hand had distracted him from his prayers making Jensen feel even more like a sinful failure than ever.

Jensen tried so hard to be pure, he really did. He never knowingly broke any of the rules and tried so hard to be good. His older brother Joshua, didn’t seem to have the same problems he did. Jensen guessed that it must be part of his wayward nature and prayed over and over again to be purer, stronger, to be more like Joshua. He was already working in their Dad's lumber yard, perfect Joshua who had a steady girlfriend at church and was saving up so he could marry her. 

Jensen was usually so accepting and pliable in everything his parents asked but he had wanted more than to work in the family business. The first time he had ever stood up for anything he had argued that he wanted to go to college although still uncertain as to what he wanted to do. He kind of liked working with the younger kids when he went as a youth worker on bible camp and for a while he had wanted to be a physical therapist. His Dad had pointed out though, that if he did that he would have to put his hands on just about anybody and God alone knew where that would lead to, so that put an end to that idea. 

He hadn’t dared go away to college of course, scared of the effect its worldly ways might have on him. He knew he was prone to sin, his father told him so often enough. He knew that weak as he was, he needed to be very careful to avoid temptation; so he felt safest here, staying near his church and his family. Jensen had enrolled at the local college instead, taking classes in Maths, art and history, hoping to maybe get a teaching qualification out of it so he could work with the church children. He paid his way by helping out at the lumber yard on weekends and holidays and doing some of the church bookwork. Well, on Saturdays he was at the yard, Sundays of course were the Lords day and spent in church or in silent bible study.

So Jensen crept through his life, each day the same, trying to make himself invisible. He wore grey clothes, baggy goodies that he could hide in, heavy framed glasses that hid his face and the colour of his eyes. He tried to fit in with his family and church but it never came naturally, he never quite felt that he fit in with anybody. Even at college he sat at the back in classes and never spoke unless he was spoken too. At breaks and lunchtimes he went to the library to study. it was all an effort and he was tired all the time, plagued by migraines that left him weak and ill a lot of the time. Sometimes he cried himself to sleep at night and he didn't know why.

Jensen shouldered his back pack and headed out the door, the pain in his left hand already receding to a dull throb. It wasn't like he wasn't used to it anyway, the three stripes barely enough to do more than raise a couple of welts. And it was easier than the times his Dad believed that Jensen had deliberately sinned, when he kept going until he drew blood. 

As Jensen turned the corner on to College road he felt a strange shiver go through him, a prickle of chills running down his spine, making every hair on his body stand on end. Normally he made himself as small as possible, hiding his height by keeping his head down, trying not to draw attention to himself but something made him look up. He had walked this street hundreds of times since he started college, usually he did it on autopilot, barely noticing his surroundings. 

Today though he felt hyper aware of what was happening. A flurry of wind sent a few leaves and an old chip packet dancing down the street. In front of him as always was the old hardware store, it had been empty and unchanging for years, old stock gathering dust and cobwebs behind dirty windows. But now, with no warning it was different. The window was clean and brown packing paper was taped inside the glass with the message “Watch this space!” emblazoned on it in vibrant purple, a giant question mark in the same colour adorned the door. 

Jensen didn't know why but something about the sight made his heart lift a little. His step felt a little lighter as he hurried to his first class. He didn't let himself daydream often but today he couldn't keep his thoughts from the new store as he wondered what and who would be there. His mind flitted back to it all day, a candy store maybe, or a book shop or a really nice coffee house. All of them had one thing in common though, all of them had someone there he could talk to, a friend.

 

The following morning he found himself hurrying the first part of his walk to class, wanting to see what was happening at the store. As he turned the corner he almost held his breath in his anticipation of whether there might be some new change to the old store. He wanted to laugh at himself for letting such a silly little thing become important but God knew, there was little enough of interest in his life. He practically flinched at his use of the Lord's name even if it was only in his head. 

“Hello, gorgeous,” the cheeky greeting made Jensen's mouth go dry and his palms sweat as he looked shyly round for the speaker. It was a boy, about his age and he was painting the woodwork round the frame of the door; a soft, inviting green that he was confidently slapping on in glossy streaks. Jensen couldn't help but stare as the boy reached up to paint the highest corner. Not that he was finding it much of a stretch because the kid was so tall. Jensen himself was over six foot and this guy had to top him by two or three inches at least. His bright pink tee shirt already cropped short rode up, revealing golden skin and defined muscles. Shabby jeans hung low off his hips and long, dark hair curled past his shoulders, Jensen had never seen anyone quite like him before. He knew without a shadow of a doubt there would be no hiding anything for this guy, he inhabited his body proudly and Jensen felt a brief pang of indefinable longing.

He swallowed, looking around to see who the boy was talking to but he was alone in the street, no one else was in earshot. “I'm talking to you, pretty boy,” His voice was low with a teasing drawl and it was filled with so much warmth and humour and just a hint of something else that it sent a prickle up Jensen’s spine. 

“Um yeah.” He blushed and stammered as he hurried past, too afraid to stay however intrigued he was. The boy stopped to watch him as he scurried by and it was impossible not to be drawn to look at the generous smile and the dimples beside the smudge of paint on the boy's face.

Jensen was trembling as he hurried up the street, no one had ever spoken to him like that before, there was no one in his limited experience that looked or behaved like that boy. He had been so free and confident it made Jensen feel even more insignificant in comparison. 

He had to hide in the library before class as he tried to pull himself together, he couldn't believe how badly the brief encounter had shaken him. Jensen never spoke to anyone if he could help it, everyone in the small town ignored him if they weren't from the church and that was how he liked it. Even the members of the congregation had learned that Jensen didn't do conversations, he blushed and stammered and they a;ll now kept their interactions with him to a minimum. No distractions, nothing to break his routine or distract him away from the Lord's path.

Right from kindergarten the church kids had only been allowed to socialise with each other, the rest of the children soon gave up asking them to parties or out on play dates. By the time Jensen was due to start first grade the church elders decided it would be better if the kids were home educated so they all got pulled out of school anyway. 

As they got older the church kids hardly even saw other children and there were only a couple of other boys Jensen's age; they weren't ever allowed to go bowling or to the cinema or even to go swimming unless it was at another church members house. Jensen had no mobile phone or computer, their family had no television, anything that his father might consider morally corrupt was banned. They were special, Dad had told them, they were saved while all the other kids would go to hell, their souls were pure while those other kids were permanently damned by all they were exposed to. 

Jensen usually obeyed his father's directives to the letter, his battle to go to college had been hard fought, won only with the unexpected support of his mother and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardise it. He spent all his free time studying in the library, in class he sat alone and was careful not to listen to the cussing and ribald humour of his class mates, he was good at tuning distractions out any way.

Now they were into his second semester all the kids in his class knew and understood, they maybe thought he was a little odd but they didn't try and talk to him any more or provoke him into a reaction. Still one or two made the effort to be friendly, in particular a boy named Chris always smiled and saved Jensen a seat near the back of the room, he collected Jensen's work and took notes when Jensen missed classes through illness. Jensen told himself he didn't need friends, was better off this way, he didn't have time for the distractions, and yet sometimes he felt a pang of loneliness when he watched Chris and and the others joke and tease. Even Reuben and Michael seemed to share something deeper than the way they talked to Jensen himself. Disappearing together to talk and whispering behind their hands when they thought he wasn't looking. 

Once again he returned to his daydreams of the new store and now his potential friend had a face. He shook his head, forcing himself back to reality, daydreams were pointless, he didn't need anyone else, he had the church and that should be enough.

 

Jensen was finding it harder and harder now to stay in his self imposed bubble, the silence and the isolation that had been his sanctuary were starting to make him feel suffocated now, itchy in a way that he couldn't fully comprehend. He was out of the door early for college these days, anxious to see what was happening at the store. 

Jensen found he had to stop now, just before he turned the corner, he needed time to collect himself, not sure if the butterflies in his stomach were there because he wanted to see the boy again or because he was afraid of him. He took a deep breath and mentally chastised himself as he finally rounded the corner to look at the shop. It had been a few days since he'd been there, another weekend and nearly a full week of college lost to a migraine that had left him blind and sick for days.

The packing paper was gone, the store frontage was painted in the same green the boy had been using before, the store was obviously open now and everything was a blaze of colour and pattern. Earth Angel was emblazoned in purple and gold lettering over the top of the window with a gorgeously painted sign of an Angel picked out in shades of pink, violet and turquoise all highlighted with gold. The window itself was like looking into another world and Jensen found himself frozen in front of it as he inched closer to see what lay in the store beyond. 

He was fascinated and appalled in equal measures as he saw tarot cards and incenses mixed in with brightly coloured scarves and jewellery. Symbols that he'd been brought up to believe as satanic hung side by side with dolphins, angels and crosses. Near the cash desk at the back was a circle of couches and comfy chairs with a low table stacked high with books and magazines. Glass cases sparkled with geodes and crystals and more jewellery.

Posters in the window informed of classes that were being held, Reiki, Yoga and other heathen practices that Jensen had never even heard of, Shamanic drumming, healing circles, re-birthing. He knew he should be running from the place as fast as he could, his father would beat him for even looking in the window and yet . . . he couldn't tear his eyes away, he wanted to go inside, to touch the soft fabrics and read the books and talk to the people who must be so alien to anything he had ever encountered before. 

His fingers were pressed against the glass so hard they were turning white with the pressure. He noticed almost dreamily that he was getting pins and needles and he pulled his hand away, not sure why the excitement he was feeling was mounting. This was so foreign it was beyond anything he could possibly have imagined and yet, somehow that made it even better. He wondered how long it would take him to pluck up the courage to actually enter the place. He somehow he knew that it was inevitable that he would go in eventually, however long it would take him to pluck up the courage  
this place was going to be special for him.

Even as he watched someone came down a flight of steps at the back of the shop and began switching on lights. As the gloom dispersed the shop became even more of a treasure trove as light sparkled off crystals and sequinned scarves. A pretty young woman with heavy rings of black eye liner and a pixie like face, framed with a wild mass of spiky dark hair. She wore a tie dyed green and black dress that made her look even more elfin and other wordly. She lit incense sticks on a shelf and set a CD going before starting to organise things at the cash desk. As she became aware of Jensen's scrutiny she waved cheerfully and came towards the door. Heart beating wildly, Jensen backed away and he practically ran up the street, not sure whether he was afraid of the store itself or his own wayward nature that was so tempted by the strange fruit that was hanging now so tantalisingly within reach.

In his haste he had gone the wrong way, heading away from the college rather than towards it but suddenly he was glad to be heading home, the pain in his temple was beginning to pound in rhythm with his heart. He scurried up the street and was relieved to find everyone else had gone out, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in the cool of his room and pray, hoping for peace and stillness to fill him once more. The migraine didn't return however, and he still felt the curiosity and longing growing inside him, like a fern uncurling and reaching up towards the sun.

 

It was one of those rare days when Jensen was able to walk home alone, Reuben and Michael were off to an athletics meet so he didn't have to walk back with them to the church for bible study. Jensen had never enjoyed athletics, competition always made him feel like it was drawing too much attention however much he liked participating. He had stayed firmly away from the extra curricular and sports societies offered by the college, preferring instead to spend his time in extra study. Occasionally in the past he had been to watch his friend's compete but he knew his dad didn't really approve, he didn't think it was a useful way for Jensen to spend his time, so usually Jensen spent it in extra study.

Today though he didn't want to stay in the library, the cool autumn air was fresh and enticing, he wanted to take his time outside, take the long route home through the park, maybe sit for a while by the lake. He knew he was dawdling which was a sin of it's own but occasionally Jensen craved the time in peace before he went home to help with the chores or to do his homework.

He hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards when he spotted a familiar figure up ahead. THE BOY FROM THE STORE! Jensen could practically see the capital letters in his head, as he saw the tall figure striding confidently along the path in front of him. Even as Jensen watched the boy missed his footing, slipping from the side walk and turning his ankle, he crashed awkwardly to the ground. Without conscious thought Jensen found himself hurrying over, although he couldn't say if he would even be able to speak his heart was hammering so wildly.

“Fuck! I’m so clumsy!” The boy said ruefully, trying to twist his face into a grin although he actually looked sick from the pain.  
“That looked really sore,” Jensen volunteered quietly, he felt out of control, his body was responding without his permission as he crouched down beside the stranger, “can I help? What have you done?”  
The boy gingerly prodded his ankle, “It's just sprained I think, I'll be okay.” But he was grey and looked clammy, obviously in more pain than he was admitting to. 

“I'm Jared, by the way. Can you call my friend to come get me, I don’t think I can walk on it.”  
“No, Jensen agreed, “probably best not too, and I'm Jensen.”

Up closer he was younger than Jensen had thought before, maybe even younger than Jensen himself, probably no more than seventeen or eighteen. The pain was somehow making him look younger though, or more fragile and his hands trembled and flexed, as soon as Jensen sat beside him Jared's hand clutched onto Jensen’s arm like a life line. Jensen flinched and Jared moved away only to return the touch a few moments later without even seeming to realise. This time Jensen let it stay where it was. 

It was like watching himself from a distance, sat on the kerb with this strange but charismatic boy who was already sitting closer to Jensen than anyone else ever did, who was touching him as no one ever had before. Jensen couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself for actually being here, having a proper conversation like a real person. The boy swayed a little, if it was possible he looked greyer than ever and Jensen gave a little gasp of alarm. “Here” he said hurriedly and took his water bottle out of his back pack and gave the boy . . . gave Jared the water. Jared drank gratefully, and didn't look quite such a ghastly colour but he lolled against Jensen's shoulder, heavy and warm but not actually uncomfortable. Actually it was something Jensen thought he could get used to.

Jensen sat in silence for a moment, mesmerised by the way Jared's throat moved as he swallowed. Up close he was even more gorgeous than Jensen had remembered but then on their previous meeting he had been too flustered to really take it all in. He really was something special. Today he wore a sleeveless white T-shirt, showing tanned, toned skin and revealing a beautifully inked tattoo. The design stood out in stark relief, black against the tan; some sort of web with jade green feathers hanging from it. It was exotic and beautiful and Jensen he wanted to run his fingers over it, tattoos were something else he didn't see very often. 

Jensen swallowed, he couldn't remember the last time he'd even sat this close to anyone, let alone touched them and yet here he was with the amazing creature pressed against him, and it was making his pulse race and his skin flush but it also felt good and right.

After a few minutes Jared sat up a little, “Thanks man, my phone's in the side pocket of my bag, could you get it for me?”

Jensen looked over and saw that Jared's bag was still where it had fallen, he reached over and pulled it closer to them, then unzipped the pocket of the well worn, purple backpack and pulled out a cell phone. It was tatty and covered in stickers, several dangley things swung from it, unicorns and a rainbow which sparkled in the light. The boy laughed as he saw Jensen's gaze, “Angel – my mom makes them for me, she thinks they're funny.” Jensen couldn't help but be captivated by the boys smile, by the way it lit up his whole face, causing little dimples in his cheeks.  
“It's not locked, just scroll down and call Misha could you?” 

Jensen looked at the small object in his hand, so innocuous really, it's weight barely registering physically and yet his father seemed to think the damage it would cause to Jensen's soul would be irreparable. He chewed on his lip uncertainly and flushed as he handed it over. 

“I'm sorry, I can't . . . I . . . it's not allowed.” he stammered, he felt small and stupid for even saying it, Jared seemed so free and unfettered, Jensen didn't think any rules would hold him back from doing something he wanted.  
Jared looked at him curiously but gave a reassuring smile despite the pain that was so obvious in the tight lines around his eyes.

“No worries,” and he punched in a number, “Hey Mish, can you come pick me up?, I'm . . .”  
He looked at Jensen, “where am I?”  
Jensen told him the street name and wondered whether it would be okay for him to leave when Jared finished his call, he wasn't sure what was required in a situation like this. 

“Um . . . do you want me to stay till your ride gets here?”  
He was sort of hoping he could escape and head back to his routine, he didn't like anything that made him deviate from it and yet he felt torn, for the first time in as long as he could remember he was with someone who didn’t make him feel like ants were crawling over him skin. He was confused and could already feel the tick in the corner of his eye that warned of a headache coming on, he stood up hesitantly.

“Please stay,” Jared said immediately, “I'm kind of a baby about pain.”  
“Oh, okay.” Jensen sat down again, staring at the pavement by his feet, he didn't know what to say, Jared leaned on him again, slumping to the side but Jensen got the sense that it wasn't deliberate, that Jared needed the contact for comfort or reassurance.

He looked at his shoes and picked at an imaginary piece of fluff on his knee, anything to avoid meeting Jared's gaze or think too closely about why it felt this good having him so close. Nothing to do with the spicy sweet way he smelled or the delicate curve of his lips. Jensen felt like he'd taken some kind of drug that was enhancing all his senses, making everything seem alive and exciting.

“So why no cell phones then?” Jared asked curiously, disturbing Jensen's reverie.  
“Uh, well it's one of the rules.” Jensen felt like he was under a magnifying glass, his skin flamed with the intensity of the other boy's scrutiny.  
“Whose rules?” Jared pressed and Jensen felt a flicker of fear, he'd taken some stick at college about his beliefs and he turned into a blushing, stammering wreck, completely unable to defend himself or his beliefs.

“It's . . . I go to this church . . . I . . . we all live by them. . .” Jensen stammered and blushed even more fiercely, wishing his brother, or even Reuben were here, they were so much better at explaining this than he was.  
“But it's not biblical is it?” Jared mused, his tone was thoughtful and inquisitive though, he wasn't trying to goad Jensen or pick a fight about his beliefs like Chad did and Jensen felt the fear begin to dissipate.  
“I mean I know cell phones weren't invented then, obviously but how could God object to something when it means that people are safer and more able to keep in touch?”

Jensen gave a vague shrug, he wanted to answer Jared's questions but to be honest the answers didn't really stand up to his own scrutiny let alone any one else's. “My Father and the other Elders of the church decided it a few years ago I think, they say Cell phones are the modern equivalent of the tower of babel and therefore to be shunned.”

“What about you? Do you believe that?” Jared's voice was deep and soft and Jensen felt he could sit and listen to him talk for hours.

Jensen didn't even know what colour Jared's eyes were because he never dared to raise his eyes long enough to look at him but he could feel them burning into him just the same, just as Jared's hand on his arm felt like it was imprinting itself in flame on Jensen's skin.  
“I . . . I don't know . . . I haven't thought about it.” Jensen stammered, and it was true, most of the time it was just so much easier to go along with what he was told, asking questions was punished and got him nowhere anyway.

“You need to, Jensen.” Jared urged gently. “You need to start thinking for yourself, start asking questions.”

Jensen was saved from having to answer by a scruffy brown station wagon pulling up beside them. The man who got out was older than Jared, smaller and lithely built with a mop of unruly dark hair. Sneakers and blue jeans were topped off by a beautifully painted t-shirt emblazoned with a picture of stone monoliths. Piercing blue eyes raked over Jensen briefly before passing over to assess Jared.  
“Hey, kiddo. How you doing?”  
“Not so good,” Jared admitted and he seemed even paler suddenly, as though his friends arrival had unmasked the extent of his pain.  
“Grey really isn’t your colour,” Misha agreed cheerfully, “Come on, lets get you home to the ladies, they'll soon sort you out.” Before he could help Jared to his feet though Misha knelt down, laying both hands on Jared's injured ankle and just holding it for several moments, Jensen could see that the man’s lips were moving but he didn’t make a sound.

When he finally stood up Jared looked a little brighter, his colour a little healthier. he sat up and reached for Jensen's hand and Jensen helped Jared to his feet. He supported him to the car, painfully aware of the other boys body where he was leaning down on Jensen's shoulder as he limped carefully to get in to the vehicle.  
“Thanks for your help, Jensen.” Jared smiled he sat down and Jensen handed him in his pack.  
“I didn’t really do anything,” Jensen felt obliged to admit.  
“Honestly you did, I’d have freaked out if I was on my own.”  
He totally would”, Misha agreed, “he doesn’t do well being alone, do you, kiddo?”  
“Gee thanks, Dad!” Jared retorted but he was already leaning back against the seat and closing his eyes and Jensen could tell he was still in a lot of pain. 

Jensen stood and watched as Misha started the car and prepared to pull out, feeling idiotic for still standing there, not sure why he hadn't already headed for home when Jared wound down the window,  
“Keep asking questions, Jen!” he yelled, and though Jensen felt his face flush with embarrassment he felt another little furl of excitement in his stomach. His father never permitted nicknames and the boys easy shortening of Jensen's name made him feel briefly like someone else, as though he had the potential to be someone else, someone new.

He walked home slowly, replaying every moment of the encounter in his head, he remembered all of a sudden the headache that that had threatened, it had vanished when Misha had knelt down to help Jared. He felt a little shiver go through him at the memory of Jared's hand on his arm, he could still feel the ghost memory like a hand print on his flesh. He just hoped that he hadn't come across as too much of an idiot, at least he had been able to speak, hadn't been totally tongue tied or run away like a scared child. No, on the whole it had been a good encounter, he really hoped it wouldn't be too long before he met Jared again.

 

Jared was thrilled to finally get out of the store after three solid weeks of painting and decorating then getting though the extra influx of customers during their first couple of weeks of opening. He loved it of course, had enjoyed every moment of the redecorating and the excitement of the start up but he was a sociable guy and he had missed the buzz of being at college, He was glad that the college in this part of town was following the same syllabus as in his old place so the transfer had been a relatively simple process. He was only going in for Art this semester anyway, he was going to start taking a business studies course as well next year so he could help do more of the bookwork and marketing for the store.

He had met with the tutor, Ms Hamilton last week and had liked her immediately, she was young and enthusiastic and Jared knew he was going to enjoy working with her. He'd been walking home from that appointment when he'd twisted his ankle which had delayed his start by a few more days. He had brought his portfolio with him, including all the preliminary studies he'd done on the sign for the store, the angel had taken him hours of painstaking work and he had been thrilled with the finished result

As he prepared to meet his class for the first time he was aware of butterflies in his stomach. Nervousness was beyond him although he did find himself muttering a short prayer under his breath that he would find good friends here. Unbidden a vision of pretty green eyes flashed in front of his eyes and he smiled at the memory of the gentle boy who had helped him.

The art room was buzzing with noise as the assembled students chatted in small groups, a dark haired young man sat on his desk and was holding forth to a group of girls who were hanging on to his every word. A skinny blonde boy in a Dr who T-shirt was vying for their attention, clowning around and flicking paper pellets across the room. 

As Jared walked into the room the brunette looked up, his face broke into a wide grin and he jumped up, “Jared, bro! Good to see you,” Jared was thrilled to see someone he knew there, he had hoped he and Chris would be in the same class, it made the change of schools so much easier. Not that Jared ever had any trouble making friends, at least on the surface. 

Chris began to introduce the various teenagers to him, but it was all a blur really, he let the wall of sound wash over him knowing that sooner or later he would pick up who every one was. As his eyes scooted round the room he was impressed by the wealth of talent that was displayed, this was going to be a good group to be a part of he was sure. The students settled down and began to disperse to their seats and Jared could tell that they liked and respected their teacher, each going to their place without a fuss and starting work without further instruction. Most seemed to be working on still life projects, easels and sketchbooks, charcoal and pencils being passed around and set up. It was only when Jared looked around to find a seat for himself that he noticed Jensen sitting near the back. He felt a thrill that went far deeper than recognition going through him.

“Hey, man. Good to see you,” Jared started but to his surprise Jensen looked away, not returning his greeting, not even acknowledging he was there as he took up a pencil and began to sketch, “Jensen?” He could feel his voice faltering but he was moving to the empty seat next to the boy anyway. It couldn't be deliberate could it? He had felt such a profound connection to the other boy in their previous encounter, he was sure Jensen felt it too.

Chris clapped a hand on Jared's shoulder and casually steered him to a seat further away, “Sorry, man, that’s my chair, why don't you sit here?”  
“Uh, sure, okay.” He looked curiously over at Jensen who was still sitting motionless with the pencil gripped in his hand, a dark hoody shaded his face so that it was impossible to see what he was thinking.

A thin serious looking boy in a preppy looking button down approached Jensen, a taller spottier clone at his side, Jared tried to concentrate on setting up his work ready to go through with the tutor but he couldn't help but be distracted by Jensen. Jared watched curiously as they muttered a brief exchange, Jensen never once looking up from the floor, the spotty boy was looking sullen and kept sending dirty looks in Jared's direction. It all made Jared more and more curious and he wanted to ask Chris what the deal was but he was interrupted by Ms Hamilton coming to see his work.

It wasn't until the break that Jared was able to ask Chris about Jensen, but Chris wasn't able to tell him much, especially since they were under the watchful eye of the preppy boy and his friend. The three boys were all members of the same church, Chris explained and it was really old fashioned and strict. All of the members were supposed to keep themselves separate but Jensen was something else, something special. When Jared pressed Chris to find out what he meant the other boy could only shrug his shoulders, “I don't know exactly, its like he's kind of . . . fragile.”

Jared couldn’t help himself but keep stealing what he hoped were sneaky looks at Jensen through out the remainder of the lesson. He was feeling guilty now for the way he'd accosted Jensen the first time he'd seen him, but damn! The boy had looked so hot in his shy reserved way, those sparkling green eyes and that dusting of freckles that had looked so lickable. Jared was intrigued way beyond the physical beauty of the other boy, his very other worldliness making Jared want to get to know him, to join the protective circle of friends around him.

When he returned to the class room Jared had to focus, they hadn't started the still life project yet at his old school and he would have to work hard if he wanted to catch up. He couldn't prevent himself from sneaking occasional glances at Jensen though, he looked so adorable with his head bent over the easel, seemingly lost in his work. Jared smiled gently when he finally caught Jensen's eye, the older boy was checking him out too and it gave Jared a small thrill of victory when Jensen gave the tiniest nod in return. 

As they packed up their their art materials Jared used the confusion to get closer to Jensen, “thanks for the other day, man, it was just sprained but I was really glad to have you with me.”  
Jensen ducked his head without replying, at first Jared thought Jensen was turning away but then realised that it was actually a nod, the merest hint of acknowledgement but it spurred him on to continue.  
“I'm sorry, Jen. About uh, the first time we met? I didn't mean to be disrespectful, sometimes I speak before I think.”  
Again with the shy little nod.  
The preppy boys, Jensen's minders, Jared found himself thinking were helping stack the easels but he knew that he didn't have long before they came back.  
“I . . . it was cool, talking to you, I was really hoping to be your friend,” Jared could feel himself blushing, it sounded so very grade school to his ears but he meant it and Jensen was still looking at him, although less like he was an alien now and with a mixture of feelings flickering over his face.  
“I'd like that too,” his voice a whisper so quiet Jared barely heard it but for a second it felt like the room had shrunk to a bubble containing just the two of them. “but it's not allowed.”

Jared took an unconscious step closer, he wanted to pull Jensen into his arms, take him home and love him and make Jensen love him in return, he'd never felt like this about anyone before and it had completely blind sided him.  
“Just try and keep thinking for yourself, okay? just keep asking questions, please? For me?”

Before Jensen could reply his minders were back, shooting Jared curious glances and smoothly insinuating themselves in between him and Jensen. Jensen shot one last helpless look at Jared before he was escorted away to his next class. 

Chris clapped a hand on his shoulder, “Don't even go there, bro!” he advised. “I've tried, he seems so lost and helpless but he chooses to be that way, spends all the time when he's not with those two hiding in the library, he just doesn't want to make friends.”  
“Ah well, I never could resist a challenge,” Jared drawled, trying to make light of it, hoping that it would come across as teasing, the last thing he wanted to do now was draw attention to Jensen, not now he realised how much Jensen hated it. Still there had been that look in Jensen eyes when Jared had said he wanted to be friends, wistful and longing and Jared just wanted to see what those eyes would look like if he could just make Jensen smile.

 

Jared was looking forward to his next Art lesson for so much more than just the sake of meeting Chris and his friends, he was hoping for another chance to speak to Jensen again. He had spent most of the weekend distracted by thoughts of the older boy and had hoped against hope that he might see him around. Each time the shop door had opened Jared had caught himself fantasising that his friend was coming to see him, it didn't happen though and Jared didn't realise how much it was affecting him until his mom had commented on how quiet he was being. 

He had arrived at the class early hoping that he might get a few minutes alone with Jensen but his “minders” were already setting up and Jensen was hard at work, not even glancing in Jared's direction. Jared was surprised at how strong the pang of disappointment was, however when he took the dust cover off his canvas a tiny piece of paper fluttered to the floor, it had obviously been tucked into the frame. “Who do I ask?” was written in pencil, in tiny cramped letters, it was as though Jensen was as afraid to make a mark on the paper as he was to make a mark on life. 

He looked over to where the older boy was working, tucked in behind the pillar. Hiding, Jared realised now, Jensen was always hiding but maybe now he was reaching out, maybe now he was saying he wanted someone to find him. Jared hoped more and more that Jensen would let Jared be the one to help him find his way out into the light.

As they waited for Ms Hamilton to arrive Jared sat with Chris, the usual gaggle of girls surrounding them all trying so hard to impress them, which would be funny if they realised he wasn't actually remotely interested. He'd been going steady with Steve, for several months now. Chad was once again making an idiot of himself trying to chat up girls who had long ago got his measure and just weren't interested. Chris was humming the melody of a new song to Jared who was adding percussion by tapping out a rhythm on his knees. 

When they'd finished the girls clapped and Jared was aware of Jensen's eyes on him, he could feel the other boys gaze as though it were a physical touch.  
Jared knew better than to try and approach Jensen in class but he watched him hoping for another clue and Jensen actually turned to meet Jared's eyes, even though he was obviously addressing his minders as he said “Sorry, I can't make it to bible class this evening, I have a paper to write, I'll be in the library.” His friends nodded, not seeming to be even that bothered as they left. Jared packed up his things carefully as it slowly dawned on him that Jensen had raised his voice above its usual whisper, maybe that meant he had wanted Jared to hear. He swallowed suddenly and had to force himself to listen to Chris but his mind kept turning back to Jensen, hoping against hope that this was another message meant for him.

 

Jensen sat in the Library, his heart thudding. He couldn't believe what he'd just done. He had never ditched bible study before, had never lied to anyone like that, it was a strange feeling, guilty and yet exhilarating at the same time. He knew suddenly that he wasn't going to confess this sin to his Dad in the morning. 

When he saw Jared he felt a huge lump rising up in his throat, Jared was so funny and friendly and popular, he had hardly dared let himself believe that the other boy would actually come. Jared was even looking hesitant as he peered round the stacks, his face lighting up when he saw Jensen. “Hey, Jen.”

Jensen swallowed nervously, trying to pull himself together, “hey, I thought . . . maybe we could . . .” his voice dried up and he could feel the colour rising in his cheeks, he was such a dork! How could he possibly have imagined that Jared would want to spend time with him?

“Did you want to hang out for a while? 'cos I'd really like that too.” Jared's voice was so calm and reassuring that Jensen was almost able to stop shaking as he slung his back pack over his shoulder and followed the taller boy outside. He found himself relaxing more as they walked. Jared chattered endlessly, his monologue about how he had moved with his family and how the store was doing and the cookies his mom had been baking was strangely soothing. It relieved Jensen of the need to talk, other than interjecting the odd “yeah” and “uhuh” into the conversation just to prove he was listening. 

They were outside the store almost before he had realised it and he barely hesitated before stepping inside as Jared held the door open for him. 

The first thing that hit him was the smell, a rich and heady mixture of incense and spices, chocolate and coffee, underlaid by the slightly musty smell of the fabrics and he could feel it warming and comforting him as he stood entranced just inside the doorway. Dumbly he allowed Jared to steer him through to the seating area with one hand on his arm where Jared was greeted cheerfully by the young woman that Jensen had seen before. She hurried off quickly to deal with a customer though leaving Jared to fetch them both mugs of coffee. 

Jensen sat in one of the arm chairs, still looking round him trying to take in all the new sights and sounds. The music that was playing was interspersed with sounds of water and bird calls, the guitarist seeming to weave melodies in and out of the nature sounds. 

Are you okay? Was it okay to bring you here?” Jared sounded unsure of himself for a moment. Jensen nodded, taking a swallow of the strong coffee and feeling the caffeine buzz as it hit his bloodstream. This was something he could get used to. Much better than the decaf his mom served at home. His eyes were wide as he looked round, “There's so much going on here, there's so much to see.” 

Jared nodded, “Yeah, I love it,” he agreed. “Do you like this seating area? We didn't have one in the old place and it was my idea. I think people like to take their time and think things through and they can check out the magazines and stuff too.”  
It gave Jensen a warm glow inside to hear the pride in Jared's voice and he couldn't help but nod his agreement, “its a great idea, I like it here, it feels, well, really relaxed. The coffee's awesome too.”  
Jared's eyes sparkled as he took the compliment with another grin, making his dimples dance. “Do you mind if I go give Isis a hand for a minute? She's getting a bit swamped?” Jared looked over to where a queue was building up at the till.  
“Nah, that's cool,” Jensen was happy for a while to just stare at everything as he tried to take in his surroundings. He picked up one of the magazines from the table and flicked through the articles. Permaculture, crystal tuning, realigning your chakras. It was as though he was encountering an entire new culture, glimpsing a world he hadn't dreamed even existed before. 

He looked over to where Jared was working, happily chatting to a couple of middle aged women about the merits of different crystals, it made Jensen smile to see how enthusiastic Jared was as he opened cases and pulled out drawers until the women were totally happy with their choices. They both bought several pieces and went away with their purchases in little sparkly bags and cheerfully promised Jared they'd be back.

“You're so good at that,” Jensen said wistfully as Jared returned.  
“what? selling stuff?” Jared grinned as he refilled their mugs.  
“No, well yeah, that too but just talking to people. When I’m at the lumber yard I stay in the back office and just do the book work. I hate it if someone wants to talk to me.” Jensen admitted.  
“Does that include me? Does it upset you to talk to me?” Jared asked softly, he dragged his chair round so he was sheltering Jensen from the rest of the room.”

Jensen felt his face break into a smile, it was strange how often Jared made him feel that way, usually it felt like there was a veneer between him and the world that everything bounced off but somehow Jared had managed to get beneath it. “No . . . no it really doesn't. I like listening to you, and it's easier to talk to you than it is with most people.” Jensen could feel himself relaxing back into his chair, he felt sheltered by it, the old fashioned arm chair rose in wings on either side of his face, a brightly coloured throw was draped over it, he was suddenly tempted to curl up his feet and tuck the throw round himself, as though he and Jared could keep sitting there and talking for hours.

Jared was smiling at him and just the look of affection on his new friends face was enough to warm him to the core.  
“I've been watching this place since you bought it,” Jensen admitted. “That day I saw you . . I kind of knew that it was going to be special to me. Does that sound weird to you?” Jensen couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, it was as though he was drunk on the atmosphere. 

“No, not at all weird”, Jared reassured, “sometimes the world is like that, it lets us know when there are things we need in our lives, to prepare us so we're ready for them when they appear.”

Jensen nodded, that actually made sense, he thought about how he had been that first day, still so closed in and surrounded by his wall of ice, nothing could get in or out. He was glad that he had thawed enough to feel the loneliness, to realise the need for someone . . . for Jared in his life.

“What are you?” Jensen asked cautiously and Jared laughed out loud, a deep, rumbling belly laugh with his head thrown back and for a moment Jensen was so distracted by the smooth perfect column of his throat he could hardly remember thee question.  
“Just Jared,” he grinned when he could finally speak.  
“No, I meant . . . well, I'm a Christian, what does this all mean? What do you believe in?”  
Jared's face grew serious as he considered the question, though his eyes still sparkled with humour.  
“Still just Jared,” he offered after a moment. “I guess we're not too much into labels here.”  
Jensen nodded but he still wasn't completely satisfied with the answer and obviously Jared could read that in his face.  
“I believe in love and respect for everyone, for God and the planet. I'm a wiccan, sometimes Buddhist, Christian with pagan, native American, shamanistic tendencies.”  
Jensen smiled slowly, but now he was happy with the answer, he'd been more than a little afraid that Jared wouldn't understand how he felt or what he believed in but Jared seemed beyond judging anybody.

“Isis, sweetheart, this is my friend, Jensen.” Jared looked up breaking Jensen’s train of thought as the woman came over. Most of the customers had now gone and Jensen was shocked to realise how late it had got. He had been enjoying his afternoon so much. It was like cold water down his spine, the thought that he would have to return to his sterile box of a house and the chill distance of his family. He shivered as he stood up with a sigh, “I'm real sorry, Jared, I have to go. I need to get home and catch up on the bookwork for the lumber yard before dinner.”

“I've enjoyed hanging out with you,” Jared said softly, and there were those dimples again, Jared was so sweet and genuine, Jensen hardly knew how to respond. This friendship, this warmth, this level of caring was something he'd hardly encountered before. “Me too,” he said shyly, ducking his head. He realised that at some point he'd dropped back his hood so that he could better hear what Jared was saying, and he moved to draw it back up.

“No, wait a bit,” Jared's hand was so gentle it was like the tenderest caress as he brushed against Jensen’s “you don't need your armour in here, you're safe with me, Okay? Leave it until you get outside.”  
Jared was so sincere, he treated Jensen as though he was worth being friends with, as though he was a good person. He wondered what Jared would think when he found out what Jensen was really like. But he couldn't go against Jared's wishes, not when Jared was being so sweet. He nodded, “I really do have to go,”

“Can you come back? Here, I mean. Would you be able to come and visit tomorrow evening? There's no groups running, it'll just be us, just be quiet. I really want to spend more time with you.”  
“I'll try, I promise.” Jensen could feel the panic rising in him now, he had to get out from this place, its seductiveness, its comfort, all was drawing Jensen in, distracting him from the path his father had dictated for as long as he could remember. 

Jared's cat like eyes were watching him warily and Jensen realised that he had zoned out for a moment. Jensen could feel the veneer beginning to harden again, he pulled his hood firmly down over his face, shutting out the majority of the light and the distractions and he stood up hurriedly. “I really do have to go,” he said but the look of disappointment on Jared's face was too much to bear, “I'll do my best, Jared,” he promised. “I'll try and come tomorrow after supper, okay? About Seven, yeah?”

And the dimples were back, warming Jensen's heart and making the world seem just a little less bleak. “Awesome! I'll look forward to it.”

 

Christian ~  
“Man, I swear I have never seen a bunch of fuck-wits as stupid as we had come through the café today!” Steve growled, chucking his jacket in the closet, and walking into his flat. I loved the fact that he had given me a key, it was good to have a place to hang out in and I liked being here for him on days like this. “I hate fucking customers!” Even in a bad mood he was sexy as fuck, besides which I knew just what he needed to make him forget all about his crappy day.

I reached for him, my blue eyed blonde, catching a hold of his belt buckle and dragging him close. He was reluctant at first, not in the mood for sex but I was confident I could change his mind.  
“fuck, Chris, just let me . . . fuck!” He rubbed his hand across his face, running it back through his hair, he was so tense I could see the veins popping in his neck.  
“It's okay, baby, gonna make it all better, just let me, k?”  
I began popping the buttons on his levi's, slowly, one at time, stopping to work my fingers in through the gap, he'd gone commando as he often did and I was glad, I loved to get my hands on his cock, already swelling at my touch.

He looked marginally less stressed already and I swung him round so I could back him up against a wall, I didn't want the poor old guy falling over while I was doing this now did I? I said something along those lines as I finally finished with his jeans, opening them wide to free the trapped length of his cock, dragging my nails over the sensitive skin, brushing over the crown with my thumb, pleased to see the involuntary shudder of pleasure that was his reaction.  
“Fucker,” his voice was a growl of a different sort now and he planted his feet wider to steady himself.  
“well now,” I teased, jacking him so slowly, my hand wrapped round the rapidly swelling flesh of his cock. He was pretty much all the way hard now, and his dick was so flushed it looked edible, which was just fine by me.  
“I wasn't thinking so much about fucking as sucking for now,” I drawled and he drew in a sharp breath, his head falling back against the wall.

He didn't need me to play around now, he just needed to take the edge off and I could do that for him, he might be a grumpy fucker sometimes but he was my grumpy fucker. I sucked him in as far as I could, holding him in my mouth for a moment before pulling back, I was able to take him deeper the second time and deeper again after that, I felt the first salt sweet taste of pre-come burst across the back of my tongue and trickle down my throat and I moved one hand down, taking his balls into my hand, loving the feeling of the silken weight of them. As I squeezed gently he gave a deep, throaty groan and and I sucked him down again at the same time.

God, I can't tell you how good it feels, to know I have the power to bring this strong, amazing man to his knees. That I can change his day from crappy to awesome in just a few minutes. It didn't take long before he was trying to warn me but I ignored him, sucking down every drop as he fucked into my face, his hands tangled in my hair. He pulled me to my feet and dragged me in for a deep kiss, kinky fucker always did like to taste himself in my mouth, Well, that's what he says anyway, never one to admit he actually enjoys kissing and cuddling after sex, It was all fine by me. 

It had taken me long enough for him to get over the age difference between us, I'm eighteen, he's twenty five. I met him at an acoustic jam session a few months ago and we've been making sweet music together ever since. So once I'd finally worn him down and got him to agree to give me a chance I promised him I'll take whatever he wants, however he wants it. He's all talk though, actually, he's a total pushover.

Now, once he's finished devouring my mouth he reaches his hand down to slide his hand inside my jeans and grasp my cock, happy to return the favour. “Ah Jesus, fuck, man!” I can't keep quiet while we do this and the fucker knows it, likes to ram me up against the wall of the john in what ever club we're playing in, daring me to keep quiet, knowing that without his tongue stopping my mouth I’ll never manage it. Here in the privacy of his house I don't need to worry, I can make as much noise as I like.

“Fucking get on with it man,” I'm getting worked up now, already horny from making Steve come, I don't want to play games tonight either.  
“Pushy little fucker,” he retorts but then he's shoving my jeans down and off, lifting me to straddle his waist. Suddenly our positions are reversed, now its my turn to have my back against the wall, my cock trapped between us as his thick, strong fingers press at my hole, “about fucking time!” I squirm back trying to get more, “fucking need it, please, please Steve please”.

I'm caught, part of me desperate to thrust forward, get some friction for my aching cock, part of me desperate to get those fingers filling me, rather than just teasing as he circles my hole, using his nail to graze the sensitive skin, so good but so not enough. 

Finally he relents, flipping me over the back of the couch, spreading my cheeks wide as he furls his tongue and fucks it hard into my ass, I curse and jolt forward, it feels so fucking good, sending sparks of pleasure through desperate nerve endings, as he fucks me with his tongue, mouth hot and wet against the rim and my dick is twitching where his movements rub me against the couch. 

Its too much and not enough and I can hear the ragged note in my voice as I plead “fuck me, please I’m begging!” as he backs away for a moment, snagging a pack of lube from his jeans on the floor and squirting it on his fingers, then they're pressed inside me me, three of them together in one swift thrust that makes me gasp and swear.  
“Fuck me you fucker! Jesus man, I need you, get that fucking cock in me now.”  
And he is almost brutal as he fucks his fingers into me hard and fast, knows I can take it rough, knows I fucking love it that way. I grind back as he crooks his fingers and finds my prostate, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, more,!” I can feel my cock still pressed against the leather of the couch, the friction amazing but not quite enough.

Please, fuck Steve please, need your cock, just fucking get on with it yeah, Steve please,  
“imma gonna shut you up in a minute, boy, you want that?” He rasps. “Tie you down and gag you with my belt? Shove my cock so deep inside you you'll be feeling me for a week.”  
“All fucking talk!” I gasp, I'm beginning to feel like I'm coming apart at the seams, like there's nothing left of me but this writhing mass of need. And still he's working me with his fingers, “Gonna make you come on my hand, boy, you want that? bet I could!” and there's another swipe of that magic bundle of nerves and I can't even form sentences any more.

“Fuck! Steve fuck fuck fuck!”  
and this is how he wants me, loves me, so needy for his cock I'm a trembling wreck that cant think of anything else. He pulls his fingers out and I instinctively push back and then there's a hard slap on the meat of my ass and it grounds me, pain quickly warming and spreading and as he does it again and again I feel like I’m floating out of my body, the pleasure so intense I can't take it. 

“fuck me Steve, fuck me please?” my voice is wrecked from the yelling I’ve been doing and finally he relents, pressing into me slowly, his cock is thick and wide, it makes me groan at the sensation as he pushes in but then finally, blessedly he bottoms out and at last I’m filled with him, blissfully, perfectly just so god-damned right its better than anything else. Ever. His cock pushing into me, his fist wrapped around my cock, and I’m helpless to do anything but be pushed and pulled between the two.

“So close , so fucking close,” I gasp, the heat spiralling and mounting, filling my body as he bites down on my shoulder, “Come for me baby boy”, he growls in my god-damned ear, his breath hot and it's all I need to send me over the edge, convulsing under him as he pumps into me, thrusting hard and steady as he milks me through my aftershocks, until he's coming again, pumping deep inside me and he whispers Love you, baby boy in to my skin.

I'm too wrecked now to do anything but stagger round to lie on the couch, the bone deep satisfaction I'm feeling as the sting and burn in my ass makes the aftershocks keep on hitting me and its worth every god-damned throb. 

He's so gentle with me now, as he wipes away the cum from my belly – and the back of the couch. He knows I like to play rough, knows I can handle whatever he wants to give me but he likes this too, being gentle and tender, and he's a different man to the one who came home, relaxed and happy as he leaves me to doze while he showers and potters round the kitchen, finding drinks and ordering in take out from the Thai place round the block.

Once we've eaten I feel more awake and I think about today at school, the looks that Jared and Jensen were giving each other when they thought no one was looking. I really hope there is something going on between them, Jensen always pinged something in me, whether is was my gaydar or just some over protective caveman thing in me.

“you know the kid I told you about from school, Jensen?”  
“That's the quiet one right?” Steve speaks with his mouth full of pad thai and I punch his arm lightly, “Animal! Yeah, that’s the one. I think maybe he and Jaybird have got a thing going on.”  
“Yeah? Huh, well, its about time, a good looking kid like Jay shouldn't be on his own, hasn't has anyone since that poppy chick went off to school in the fall.”

That must have been before I was with Steve, before I met Jared and his family, they're pretty cool in a new agey sort of way. I grab another beer from the table and pop the cap off with my pocket knife something about being with Steve makes me feel wilder, I'm growing my hair longer and I've gotten a couple of tattoos. Maybe its just part of growing up or maybe its something else.

I can't stifle my yawns and he chuckles, “I thought you youngsters were supposed to have all the stamina?”  
I flip him the bird, “fuck you! old man,” I tease.

He's actually got quite a straight laced streak in him, he doesn't like the fact that I was barely legal when we met, wouldn't sleep with me until I’d found my god damned birth certificate to prove that I was. He doesn't like the way his sister lives either, it freaks him out more than he'll admit. I think it’s kind of cool though, and Misha and Angel seem really sound. 

Yeah, there's a lot worse that Jensen could have ended up with than Jay.

 

Alan looked so disapproving that Jensen apologized instantly, retreating to the desk in the corner where the account books he worked on were kept. He guessed he must have phrased it wrong because when he'd suggested studying with Jared his father had point blank refused permission. The blood was pounding so hard in his ears he was barely aware of Joshua suggesting that Jensen accompany him to a bible study with the young men instead. He blindly followed his older brother out to the car, disappointment bitter in the back of his throat so heavy he could taste it.

“Where do you want me to drop you kid?” Joshua asked cheerfully. Jensen blinked owlishly, still too numbed by disappointment to think properly.  
“Huh?”  
His brother looked at him impatiently,” “You'd better not let me down, Jenny. My ass is on the line here.”  
Jensen couldn't quite comprehend what his brother was saying so he sat silently, he had long ago learned that this path attracted the least attention and therefore the least trouble. He picked at the invisible lint on his jeans and pressed his fingernails into he palm of his hand, feeling the lines of his most recent punishment, reminding himself of what happened when he disobeyed.

“Jensen!” Joshua raised his voice, calling Jensen back before he could fully disappear inside himself. “There is no freaking bible study okay?” He turned the key, starting the car but didn't pull away, just sat there with the motor idling as he waited for Jensen to process what he was saying. “Me and the guys, we do our own thing, hang out, have a few beers, watch movies, just try and be regular folk for a while.” 

“Oh!” Jensen huffed out a surprised little breath, whatever he had imagined his brother and his friends did together it certainly wasn't this. Jensen looked at him in shock, that was gradually tuning to admiration. Joshua had been lying, perfect Joshua had a secret life all this time, he drank alcohol and did all those things that Jensen had believed were so wrong, all the things that their father had forbidden. 

He shook his head a little trying to clear his thoughts, hardly able to process what the implications of this were.  
“Fuck!” Joshua breathed and Jensen had never heard his brother swear before, fear crossing his face and making him look pinched and hard. “I'm trusting you man, please don't tell Dad! if you want to go back in there and spend the night on your knees . . . well, that’s up to you I guess but . . .”

“No no, I want to go,” Jensen interrupted as he felt that little thrill of anticipation that had been with him all day begin to blossom again as hope returned. He could see Jared tonight after all.  
“Could you take me to the new store, on the corner of maple and college street? Do you know it?”  
“Wow, Kid, you are gonna burn! they're witches in there, Dad'll freak if he catches you.”  
“Jared's not a witch!” Jensen defended hotly. “he's my . . . he's my friend.”

Joshua grinned in admiration but then a shadow crossed his face. “Jen, I . . . fuck! I'm sorry okay? I gave up on you, I really thought you'd gone, it was like you were their puppet, just an empty shell. I wish I’d tried to talk to you, kiddo. I could have . . . I don’t know, done something. Taken you out with me sooner.”  
Jensen shook his head slowly, “no I don't think so, like you say, I was like a shell, there was nothing there to reach, I made myself do that, sent myself so deep inside that nothing could really touch me. It's like Jared woke something up in me, it's . . . its kind of scary actually.”  
“Yeah, but a little bit amazing too, right?” Josh grinned. “I remember how it felt the first time I got out, realised there was a life away from Dad's stupid rules.”

As Josh pulled the car to a stop outside the store he looked at Jensen “Seriously, be careful, okay? I know its all strange and exciting and new, just don't get in over your head, yeah?”  
Jensen nodded,”I'll try,” he said with the first real smile he had shown his brother in years, Josh grinned back in return and Jensen felt like all of a sudden he might have an ally inside the family.  
“see you back out here at 10.30, okay?”  
“Sure, as long as we're not too busy dancing naked in the moonlight,” Jensen teased, the bubble of happiness was rising, he couldn't recall the last time he'd let his humour shine thorough and it felt good to hear his brother's resulting chuckle.

 

“Smiling  
spinning In Circles  
holding Hands  
the World Is A Blur  
except Where You're Standing”

Jared's face lit up and he practically bounced with excitement, his joy at seeing Jensen was so obvious. “You made it, I didn't know if you would be able to or not.”  
Jensen smiled shyly, barely able to believe it himself he was so scared that he wouldn't know how to behave in a normal family, that he would say or do something wrong. Jared led Jensen through the shop and up a flight of stairs into an open plan kitchen the size of the store below it and as brightly decorated. The walls were decorated with several of Jared's canvases as well as gorgeously coloured fabric banners and weaving. The units and worktops were arranged at one end of the room while comfortable looking couches, bean bags and a low coffee table were at the other end.

Dividing the two sections was a circular wooden table with at least eight chairs set round it. It was still littered with plates and dinner remnants, and three people were having an animated conversation as they drank wine and picked at the cheese and fruit that was in front of them, “Hi Jensen, welcome to the mad house, Jay, honey, do you want me to take Sepphy back now?” it was only as one of the women looked up and greeted him that Jensen was able to look properly at Jared and comprehend that he held a sleeping baby in his arms. 

Jared chuckled, shifting the tiny weight with ease so that he was holding her out for Jensen to see, “This is Seraph, the baby of the family, she's coming up for four months old now;” He indicated the pixie faced woman Jensen had seen in the shop the week before, “and Isis here is her mom; you've met Misha before too and the lovely lady to your left is my mom, Angel.”

Both women were dressed very differently from they way his own mother and the other church ladies dressed, Isis in jeans and a purple velvet top and Angel in layers of gauzy stuff, that sparkled with tiny sequins which caught the light when she moved. Both of them looked so much more comfortable than his mom in her tailored suits or fitted dresses.

They all smiled at him but he didn't feel scrutinised or uncomfortable, as he quietly returned their greetings. None of them stared at him like he was a freak or even gave him more than the most casual of friendly glances. Still he hung back behind Jared, glad that his friend was taller, unconsciously leaning closer to him for support. Jared hefted the baby in his arms so that he was once more nestling the child into his shoulder. 

“shall I hang onto her for a bit? Jen and I are just going to chill out in my room and maybe do some research for our Art class.”  
Isis nodded, Sure, she'll let you know when she needs feeding again.”

Misha gave a lazy grin, eyelids hooded sleepily, although Jensen had a feeling suddenly that the man was actually a lot more awake and aware than he let on. Angel had Jared's warm smile and his tousled mop of hair but hers hung in long hennaed waves down her back. “Tell me if you need anything, Jensen, juice or something to eat.” she was looking at him strangely, as though maybe she knew him from somewhere.

“I . . .I'm fine,” he stammered and Jared smiled gently, placing a warm hand on the small of Jensen's back as he guided him through a long hallway. It was odd being touched like that, deliberately and gently but it made Jensen feel warm inside, the way Jared always made Jensen feel. 

A large sign was pasted across Jared's bedroom door – Warning do not Enter unless bearing food! There was a picture of a sleeping tiger underneath it and Jensen smiled. Jared pushed open the door and ushered him in.

Jared's room was like nothing he'd ever seen, although the only other people's homes he'd been to were as involved in the church as his parents so he didn’t have much experience to go on. Where his own wall were stark and empty Jared's were busy, filled to overflowing with colours and imagery. Posters, pictures from magazines, photo's of the baby and more of his art work covered every spare inch of the wall. Instead of Jensen's neatly made divan was a king size bed with multiple pillows and throws tossed in an untidy but welcoming heap. A string of tiny lights like mini Chinese lanterns were strung over the head of the bed giving a gentle glow to the room.

Jared set some music playing quietly in the background and Jensen was impressed with how easily he did everything one handed, as though the tiny body that he cradled was an extension of himself. Jensen loved watching him move generally, he was so graceful and at home in his body where as Jensen himself often felt awkward and clumsy. 

Jared settled himself down on the bed, leaning against the headboard and spreading the infant across his lap, she wiggled a little and he began rubbing gentle circles on her back. She looked tiny against Jared's large frame, his hands dwarfing her and yet he was so gentle as he soothed her. It made Jensen feel more at ease somehow that Jared's full attention wasn't focused on him, Like he had a bit of breathing space where he could check out his surroundings in peace. 

Tentatively he sat on the edge of the bed, and Jared smiled approvingly.  
“I know this is hard for you, I'm really glad you came.”  
“Me too, I . . . I lied to my parents, Joshua lied to our parents. He's been . . . lying . . . all this time.” Jensen didn't know if he was making any sense really but Jared let him talk and he was grateful for that. “But I'm glad I came, I really wanted to see you, I was . . . I was really devastated when I thought I couldn't come.” Jared smiled, pulling the baby back up into his arms, she was sleeping soundly now, making soft little snuffly noises, her tiny rosebud of a mouth occasionally pursing up into the daintiest moue he had ever seen.

“Does the baby always sleep in here?” Jensen asked curiously.  
“Nah, she has her own cot in Isis's room for when she wants it but usually we co sleep with her, Isis still feeds her at nights so the rest of us take turns looking after her during the day to give Isis a break when she wants us to.” 

Jensen thought about his little sister, how she still cried herself to sleep at night and their father wouldn't let anyone go to her because she was old enough to find comfort in the Lord. She was just five years old.

“That's . . .” Jensen was at a loss for words, he hadn't had to put his thoughts into words for so long that he struggled when he was with Jared for his speech to catch up with his brain. 

Jared was watching him curiously, “Are you okay with it? Remember what I said about asking questions? our family might seem a little odd to most people and I wouldn't expect you to understand it straight off. This is a safe place for you, you can ask me whatever you like.”

Jensen nodded, feeling really daring as he kicked off his shoes and swung his legs up onto the bed, edging upwards until he was sat beside Jared. He felt the heat rising in his skin and deliberately kept his eyes focused on the baby so Jared wouldn't see how flustered he was. He wondered if Jared actually realised how big a deal this was. He caught the baby's tiny hand, uncurling her fingers like flower petals, marvelling at the tiny perfection of her fingernails.  
“Is she yours?” Jensen asked tentatively.  
“Nah, she's sort of my sister, Misha is her Dad and Isis gave birth to her but . . .” Jared took a deep breath, “I'm going to be honest with you, Jen because you deserve that, I want to always be totally honest with you. Most people we just gloss over it but I want you to know.”

Jensen practically felt something break inside him at Jared's words, he had spent so long building up barriers between himself and the world. Just like that Jared had broken them down, made himself a doorway into Jensen's heart and soul. He knew he wanted to give something back but it was a struggle to know how to begin.

“I . . . I know what Dad and the others are like and I . . . I guess I just blindly accepted a lot of it because it was easier, I've made myself numb for so long none of it seemed to really matter but . . .” Jensen took in a deep breath, he hadn't said so much to another person in years. “I don’t like it when they judge people. I believe in God, I believe that he made this child and she's a perfect miracle so it doesn't seem right that he would judge Misha and Isis for not being married.”

He looked anxiously at Jared to see his reaction, Jared smiled and Jensen realised that somehow during their conversation they had shifted so they were touching, he was leaning against Jared's side and the baby was lying across them both. He knew it should feel wrong and terrible but it didn’t, nothing had ever felt so right.

“They are married, Jensen although probably not by any authority your church would recognise, they’re married to each other and so is Angel. They're all together.”  
Jensen tried to get his head round it, but all he could think of was his parents stark room with its twin beds, the way they never touched and compare it to the happy domestic scene he'd witnessed as he arrived, the three of them happily chatting and sharing and making time for each other in a way that made him yearn to be a part of it.

“Keep asking the questions,” Jared urged, “you can ask me anything.”  
“Is Misha your Dad, then? He doesn't look old enough.”  
“No, you're right, he and Isis are both ten years younger than Angel, we kind of joke about it – I call him Dad and old man to wind him up but I was twelve before he and mom got together so I've never really seen him in that role.”  
“So . . . he's like married to them both? And they don't mind sharing him?”

Jared chuckled softly but Jensen knew he wasn't being laughed at, just Jared was glorying in their conversation, was as happy and comfortable as Jensen himself was feeling.  
“No, well, they don't share him, that would be a polygamous relationship, like the Mormons. This is polyamory . . . they each have two partners and it seems to work for them. They've all been together about six years now although Misha was our friend for a lot longer than that, it's kind of like Isis is the glue that holds them together.”

“Oh,” it was strange to even try and think about, he wondered if it freaked Jared out at all and he asked his friend how he felt about the arrangement.  
“I did find it weird at first, mainly because I'd always had my mom to myself until then but its good, we're happy and we all love and respect each other which is a damned sight more than I can say of most families.”

Jensen flinched at the epithet and Jared chuckled, “I tell you my family is a bunch of weird poly-amorous hippies and you don’t blink; I swear and it makes you jump. There’s a question to ask yourself, why is that?”

“Because . . . well what you told me is so far out of the scope of the church elders imagination it's never occurred to them to ban it I guess.” Jensen gave a wry little laugh, “But swearing, well, there's a whole layer of torment reserved for those who blaspheme.”

“Does that feel right to you, Jen? That these elders are trying to figure out what God wants and force it on the rest of you?” There was no sting in Jared's words, he was just genuinely curious and it made Jensen stop to think it through carefully. 

“Well I guess I’ve been trying to sort it out in my head, which are God's rules and which are my father’s . . . and it's all very different actually. The only thing I believe for myself is love, the greatest of these is love it says so many times in the Bible and that’s all I can hang on to at the moment,” he felt a lump rise up in his throat and his voice grew small and choked. “but that doesn't seem to have much place in my Dad's church.”  
“I guess that’s a scary place for you to be in, yeah?” Jared's voice was softly sympathetic and Jensen felt conflicted, at the same time safer and yet more exposed than he'd ever felt before.

“Yes, yes it is and the scariest thing is the way my fathers rules somehow don’t seem very loving any more.” and Jensen closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of his friend beside him, the baby’s fist still tightly gripping his finger. The music swelled softly and even though he couldn't make out the lyrics he felt it resonate with something inside him. 

Jared smiled gently as he looked at his new friend; Jensen looked so calm and peaceful, for the first time he was relaxed and Jared was able to see clearly how gorgeous the older boy really was. Up close Jared could see the fineness of his bone structure and the delicate smattering of freckles spread over Jensen’s nose. His eyelashes curled softly and Jared had to practically sit on his hand to stop himself from touching them. It had definitely been a good move to bring Sepphy with them, she had distracted Jensen nicely, given him something to focus on, a basis for his questions.

Carefully he moved away, sliding the baby into Jensen’s arms, Jensen was still obviously deep in thought because he smiled briefly and cuddled her close to him but didn’t open his eyes. Jared grabbed a sketchbook from the messy heap of stuff at the end of the bed and began to draw, wanting Jensen to be able to see for himself how happy and relaxed he was.

He had just finished the sketch to his satisfaction as the baby began to fuss a little, turning her head and mouthing at Jensen’s T-shirt. He chuckled as Jensen blinked himself awake and Jared realised his friend had actually dozed off for a minute.  
“You won’t find anything there, sweetheart. Let's get you to your momma.” He closed the sketchbook and swung his legs off the bed. “Do you want to bring her through to Isis? I could do with a drink now myself.”  
“Will they mind?”  
Jared's brow furrowed, he was thrown by Jensen’s question, “What do you mean?”  
“Um, well they gave her to you to hold, and they don’t even know me, I could be anyone.”  
“Oh Jensen,”  
Jensen's tone was so dead again for a moment, Jared realised he was back to parroting words that he'd heard over and over again, trust no one. Usually Jared had a lot of respect for the church and other people's religions but something about the way Jensen spoke made him uneasy about this one. It was as though his friend was brain washed, hardly able to think for himself until Jared had started prodding him.

Jared crouched down beside him and gently lifted Jensen's chin so that Jensen was forced to look into Jared's eyes, the colours in them seemed to shift so that Jensen couldn't quite pinpoint what colour they actually were. Now they looked dark, fathomless and made Jared seem somehow much older than his actual years. 

“No Jen, you're a good person, anyone with half a brain can see that. They trust me and my judgement and I trust you, and so does Sepphy, don't you sweetheart?” And indeed the baby looked up with her mouthful of soggy shirt and gave Jensen a brilliant toothless grin and another piece of the ice in his soul melted away.

 

Isis took the little girl with a grateful smile, “Thank you boys, it was good to have some grown up time although I'm glad to have her back now, I'm feeling a little full!" Jensen followed Jared's lead in settling himself into one of the huge beanbags. He averted his eyes as she settled the baby in place and lifted her top and she gave a silvery little laugh, “It's okay, sweetheart, I'm very practised in the tasteful draping of scarves! I promise you won't see anything that might scar you for life!" Angel sat on the other end of the couch, pulling Isis's feet into her lap and Misha was already busy making drinks. He didn't ask what the boys wanted but put a steaming mug down on the low table in front of Jensen. 

Jared gave a reassuring smile and Jensen thought he'd never seen a family who smiled and laughed together as much as this one. He took a cautious sip and found it to be something fruity and vaguely sweet but very comforting, even the steam that rose from the rainbow hued china mug seemed to make Jensen feel stronger. Jared snagged a couple of cookies from a plate as Misha tried to pass it to Jensen.  
“heathen!” He admonished with a grin, “you should have better manners than that.”  
“I know,” Jared spoke with his mouth full, “I blame it entirely on my peculiar upbringing and the lack of any decent male role models.”

Jensen watched them in fascination, he would never dare to talk to any adult like that, let alone his own father. He wondered how it must feel to to be able to do that. The cookies were as good as the tea and Jensen found himself reaching for another, it was as though his taste buds were waking up along with everything else.

Jensen heard the horn as Joshua pulled up downstairs and he put his mug down hurriedly, “That's my brother, I've got to go.” He felt genuinely reluctant to leave, had been happy for the first time in as long as he could remember. As he reluctantly stood up to leave Jared followed him and squeezed his shoulder, “We have Art first thing tomorrow, want to walk together?” Jensen nodded, “Please”, and then hurried to put his jacket on. As Jared opened the front door to let him out he pressed a piece of paper into his hand and Jared clutched it like a talisman, evidence that the evening had been real and not some fevered dream brought on by too much pain medication.

Jensen hopped into the car and wound down the window, afraid that his parents might smell the incense from the apartment on him. Joshua grinned at him, “Did you have a good night then?”  
Jensen nodded as he opened the paper and found a sketch of himself with the baby asleep in his arms, his own eyes were closed and the words 'sleeping like a baby!' were emblazoned across the top in Jared's messy scrawl. He laughed aloud as he saw it.  
“Oh man, are you stoned?” his brother asked suspiciously.  
No, Jensen denied, “just . . . well I guess I’m happy, that’s all.”

 

In the night he heard his sister, Margaret crying, and he lay miserably in the dark listening to the heart rending sound. He remembered the soft sleepy warmth of baby Seraph and how good it had felt when she smiled at him. She hadn't cried once, not even when she was hungry and he realised how happy and secure she must feel, always loved and protected, nurtured and cuddled all the time. 

He took a deep breath, he had felt the paralysing fear return the moment he walked into the house, his closed down front enveloping him like a mantle so that the time spent at Jared's felt like a dream already. He reached under his pillow for the sketch Jared had given him, the soft dry scrape of the art paper reassuring him. 

The sound continued, muffled sobbing that she tried to control, knowing that no one would come. Jensen felt like he was suffocating, the night was oppressive and airless despite the breeze through the open window. Suddenly he felt that he wanted to fight it. Jared and his family, they so obviously loved each other, it was clear in every word and hug and casual endearment. Did he love his own family? He thought about it, it seemed such an ridiculous question, almost too obvious to have to ask, he did love them, of course he did. But then, Jared's voice in his head said, if you love her how can you let that baby suffer? And suddenly he couldn't stand it any longer and he knew he had to act.

Pulse pounding in his temples Jensen slipped out from beneath the covers and walked along the corridor, treading softly so as not to wake anyone and pushed Margaret’s door open. The little girl didn't even have a night light, he realised in shock, the dim light from the hallway showed her tiny tear stained face as she looked up at him in terror but her room was totally dark. She was small for her age, skinny and pale and he couldn't believe he had let her suffer like this for so long. He put his finger to his lips and pulled the door closed behind them and blindly felt his way to the bed.

“Hey princess, come here.” Endearments didn't come easily to him but they fell from Jared's lips as easy as breathing and it made Jensen feel warm inside so he used them now to try and calm his little sister. “It's okay, sweetheart, I've got you.” he sat on the bed beside her. She was obviously surprised at his actions but allowed him to pull her into his arms, he tucked the cover up around her and rocked her a little feeling the sobs subside almost instantly. “I had a bad dream, she whispered, “I was bad and the demons got me.”

“Oh sweetheart.” Her words stabbed him to the core, he had shut off from everything for so long he had barely been aware of her, she was as quiet and shy as he was, and she hadn't ever gone to nursery or kindergarten, had spent her days at home with mom or in the church.

He pressed his lips close to her ear, praying that their father would be too sound asleep to hear them. “shall I tell you a secret?” In the inky darkness he felt her whole body shake as she nodded vigorously.  
“I think Daddy's got it wrong, there are no demons and you’re a good girl, the best little girl I know.”  
“Really?” Her breathy whisper held out the glimmer of hope.  
“Really.” He affirmed, pressing a kiss to the side of her face. “But its our secret, we mustn't tell him or he'll get mad.”  
“I don’t like it when he shouts,” She agreed. “Or when he hits you..” He gave her a tight little squeeze. “I'm alright,” he tried to reassure her, “Don't worry about me.”  
“But when will he start hitting me like that?”

And Jensen felt winded, he was out of answers, he wanted to say never, that Dad wouldn’t hit her because she was a girl but actually he didn’t know that, not for sure, his dad hadn’t started caning him until he was eight.  
“Oh, princess, try to get to sleep okay?”  
Her little hand clutched his arm, “Will you stay with me?”  
He felt as though her fingers gripped his heart just as tightly as she held onto his arm. A wave of fierce protectiveness washed over him and he swore to himself if his Dad tried to lay a finger on her then Jensen would do whatever needed doing to stop him, regardless of the consequences.  
“I’ll stay until you’re asleep, “ he promised. “But then I have to go back to my own room.”

She was a much heavier weight in his arms than Sepphy had been but still felt fragile and delicate, her bones felt bird like under his fingers as his hand spanned her back. Several minutes passed and her breathing was beginning to even out and she was sagging against him, her fingers finally loosening their grip. There was silence for a few minutes and he thought she was asleep when suddenly she sat up, twisting in his arms and pressing her lips to his ear, “God sent you.” She declared softly. “I said to God, please send me someone, I'm so scared, and then you came.”  
He brushed a few loose wisps of hair from her forehead, even at night her hair was drawn back into two tight plaits because his father hated it if she looked untidy. He snuggled her in close to his chest for a moment, amazed at how easy it had been to settle her, wishing he'd done it sooner.

“I think you might be right. I love you, sweetheart, hush now though, it's real late.”

How sad to think that this was the first time he could remember saying those words to anyone, but his heart felt warm and full and he couldn't help but feel that he was finally doing something right as she started to snore softly. He lay awake for most of the night cradling her in his arms before creeping back into his own room just before dawn.

 

Chad was being a douche again, messing around before class and Jensen hated it. He knew that the boy was just an ass, there was no malice to his teasing but it still reduced Jensen to a trembling, blushing wreck. Already feeling rough with an impending migraine he was praying he would get through the lesson and get home before it really took hold. 

He had come to class early, hoping that maybe Jared would be there already but he was practically alone with the skinny blonde. Always bored and on the look out for entertainment the skinny blonde was hyped up from lunch time and obviously decided that the best way to pass the time until someone else arrived was to wind Jensen up. 

He started in relentlessly, asking Jensen why he didn’t have a girlfriend and then when he didn't . . . couldn't answer, teasing him for blushing and stammering.

Jensen shrank back behind his pillar, he always picked this seat deliberately, it meant that he had some physical protection form the rest of the group. Now though it meant he was backed into a corner, unable to move away as Chad got up in his face, he wanted to cry, and then felt even more stupid, a lump in his throat at the realisation of just how awkward and idiotic he really was. Suddenly Chad jolted in close and instinctively Jensen flinched back, his hand coming up over his face.

At that moment Chad was physically lifted out of the way, Chris's face was furious as he held the skinny blonde by the scruff of the neck. “You fucking ass hole! What the fuck do you think you are doing?”  
And even though Christian had come to his aid it was still loud and aggressive and he wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. His head was pounding now, pain blooming in front of his eyes and he was starting to shake so bad.

A gentle arm went round his shoulders, and he blindly allowed himself to be steered out of the way, he actually still had his eyes closed, so deeply was he turning into himself. He knew he was with Jared though, the warm spicy scent and the strength of the arms that were holding him were unmistakeable. He was dimly aware of the altercation still going on in the room but then Jared shut the door and there was blessed peace at last. 

There was nothing but his migraine swamping him . . . he was floating away on it, a tidal wave of pain was crashing over him and his legs could barely hold him up. Last time this had happened the college nurse had called his father to come and get him and Alan had been furious, he'd screamed at Jensen all the way home as the pain had bloomed and intensified, blinding him with it and leaving him bedridden for a week.

This felt different already though, Jared was holding him up and rubbing soothing circles on his back and up his neck, gradually the pain was receding and soon he was able to open his eyes. Blinking against the light but able to see and focus. There was a small supply closet at the back of the classroom and this was where Jared had taken him. They were standing in the middle of it, surrounded by the shelves of supplies and stacks of paper.

“Sorry,” Jared apologised, “I just wanted to get you out of there quickly.”  
“It's okay, th . . . thank you . . . I . . .” he looked at the floor, feeling small and stupid again.  
“Hey,” Jared's hand fitted the curve of Jensen's jaw like It was made to be there as he lifted Jensen's face to look him in the eye.  
“Chad's an idiot, and you're feeling crappy anyway, I can tell. Migraines are horrible, my mom used to get them.”  
Jensen nodded, grateful for Jared's gentle understanding although he wasn't sure how Jared had guessed that he wads feeling ill.  
After a couple more minutes there was a quiet tap on the door, “Is everything alright, boys?”  
“Sure,” Jared answered easily and opened the door, to see the concerned face of Ms Hamilton, she wasn't much older than them really, this was only her second year of teaching but she knew her stuff and cared deeply about her students.  
“I've sent Chad home for the rest of the day,” she offered, “I'm sorry, he gets a bit out of hand sometimes but I don't think he was being deliberately malicious.”  
“It's okay, everything’s cool now, isn't it, Jen?”  
Jensen nodded, still not trusting himself to speak but at least now feeling as though he could cope with with rest of the lesson. 

Their classmates were studiously working, not looking up and Jensen was glad of that, he couldn't cope with being stared at, whether in pity or sympathy. As they moved over to their normal seats Chris stood up, “Wanna swap, Jay?” He offered and Jared nodded, Jensen was still shaky but just the thought that Jared would be close by made him feel better already and he gave Chris a grateful smile as he and Jared rearranged their easels and belongings. He didn't actually get much work done himself but he watched Jared work; using the charcoal in broad, confident strokes to complete his piece and marvelled at the way his pain had practically vanished. All that was left to show for it was the faintest of tensions in his forehead.

As they packed up Jensen was afraid he still felt too ill to eat his lunch and figured maybe he'd sign out sick and head on home but Jared stopped him.  
“Come and eat with us?” he pleaded, “just for a little while?” and Jensen nodded, ignoring the pointed looks that Reuben was giving him, not wanting to let Jared down. 

They found a relatively quiet corner of the grounds to sit in while they ate, Chris was talking about his boyfriend and it made Jensen start, his friend was always surrounded by so many girls it had never occurred to him that the other man might be gay. He sounded so warm and affectionate as he spoke of his friend, it made Jensen feel sad that he didn't have anyone to talk that way about him.

He liked listening to Chris and Jared talk, their voices a gentle hum and they spoke back and forth, listening respectfully to what the other was saying before answering. It was actually quite soporific and he felt sleepy in the heat of the afternoon sun, unconsciously sliding down until he was leaning against Jared's arm, when he caught himself he moved to sit up but Jared gently pulled him back into place so he stayed, feeling as relaxed and happy as he could remember in a very long time. A very different way to the one he'd expected to spend the afternoon. 

One handed, Jared reached into his bag and fished out a small tissue wrapped package, he handed it over to Chris with a grin and a “Happy Birthday for the weekend, man.”

Jensen watched with interest as Chris unwrapped the gift; a round, beaded pendant set with a turquoise stone hung on a black suede cord. “Angel made it,” Jared grinned, “She says you need more turquoise, it's a Cherokee thing apparently.” Chris laughed, “It's awesome, you’re so lucky, your mom's really cool. Say thank you for me.” He packed up his lunch things and checked his phone. “shit! I promised Steve I'd call him, we've got a gig tomorrow and we need a rehearsal tonight.”

Jensen was quiet after Chris had gone, he was afraid that Jared would leave soon as well and he wanted to prolong this time as far as possible.  
“Are you feeling better now?” Jared asked carefully, “I'm sorry this morning was so crappy for you, Chad's a real douche isn't he?”  
Jensen nodded cautiously, “I didn't handle it very well though,” he admitted. “I wish I wasn't such an idiot, I hate it when I freak out like that.”  
“You're not an idiot,” Jared denied vehemently. “You were feeling ill and you haven't been taught the skills to handle a situation like that, it's not your fault.”

Jensen had never thought about it like that before, his only real experience of conflict and aggression was his father’s behaviour, he hadn't even realised that you could be taught to deal with stressful situations.  
“My headache went away though, did you do that? It happened before when you hurt your ankle.”  
“Kind of,” Jared admitted, “although that time it was probably Misha not me. It's . . . its kind of hard to explain. Basically you have energy, we call it chi, running through your whole body, yeah?”  
Jensen nodded,  
“well, when you're hurt or sick the energy flow becomes blocked, so I try and focus on clearing the block and getting the balance back. I know it sounds like hippy crap but it works.”  
“no, Jensen denied, “not crap at all, I . . . I could feel it happening today, that’s why I asked.”

Jensen knew his next class had started but there was no way he could face it, he wasn't ready to leave the quiet corner he and Jared had found for anything other than going home to sleep. He was actually more than a little afraid that if he wasn't physically touching Jared the pain would return. Jared seemed quite content to stay where they were too, he was leaning against the broad, smooth trunk of a massive tree, where Jensen was shaded from the intensity of the sunlight and Jensen was still leaning more against Jared than he was the tree. It was a good feeling after all of this time to have someone touching him in friendship. He closed his eyes, enjoying the closeness.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Jared teased, “Am I really that boring? Are you going to fall asleep on me every time we're alone together?”  
Jensen blinked, “I . . . I don't know why I do,” he admitted. “Usually I never sleep very well.”  
Jared gave a pleased little smile, “I guess I must make you feel relaxed then, that's a good thing, yeah?”  
“Yeah,” Jensen agreed softly.  
“Hey, I nearly forgot, this is for you.” Jared reached back into his bag and brought out a second little package, “I made it for you myself,” he said, almost shyly and Jensen was touched, nobody had ever made something just for him before.

He took it reverently, unwrapping the gift carefully, “It's beautiful,” he breathed and it was, a tiny rainbow made out of little glass beads, set in a turquoise beaded web like Jared's tattoo, hung with tiny silver feathers.  
He traced the little medallion then feeling very daring, traced his fingers over the inked black lines on Jared's arm.  
“I'm sorry, I'm stupid, I don't know what this means.” he apologised.  
“Not stupid, Jensen, its only stupid if you don’t know and you don’t want to know. It's a dream catcher, traditionally it traps all the bad dreams and only allows the good ones through. I tried to fill it with blessings, I wanted you to have something good to keep the nightmares away.”

Jared shivered as Jensen continued to trace over the inked design and goosebumps rose on his skin despite the heat, Jensen wondered at the effect he was having on his friend.  
“I had it done for our eighteenth birthday,” he said softly and for a few minutes he looked a little lost and far away.

 

 

Jensen was almost sick with disappointment when Jared didn't show up to class on Friday, they had had such an amazing week together, Jensen couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so happy, the times with Jared made him feel alive again. He kept the little beaded medallion in his wallet, afraid to leave it at home in case his mom found it. He liked the idea of keeping it with him anyway, knowing that it contained Jared's prayers for him, that his friend had made it just for him, it made him feel special.

Jensen was barely able to focus on putting the finishing touches to his piece. He found himself looking at it with fresh eyes though and found it wanting. Technically it was good, he could see that, but it was soulless in it's precision, too neat and clean. He wished now that he had time to tear it up and start again but he needed the passing grade, his father had threatened to pull him out of college and make him work full time at the lumber yard if he flunked any of his classes.

He sighed, his thoughts drifting and Chris tapped the desk to get his attention as their tutor begin to wrap up for the session. “Now, I know some of you are still finishing up on the still life project but I'd like you to start thinking about your next project which is going to be a collaborative piece looking at working in 3d. While I hand out the assignment I'll pass round a sign up sheet for you to write down your pairs on. Any trouble sorting out who you're going to work with, have a chat to me about, okay?”

Jensen was literally shaking, his hands trembled as the page came round, it was almost unthinkable for him to write but the urge was impossible to resist. Ms Hamilton stood beside him and put her hand gently on his shoulder and Jensen had to struggle hard not to pull away, apparently the being okay about being touched thing only extended as far as Jared.  
“Is this going to be a problem for you, Jensen?” She asked softly. “I'm sure we can find a different project for you to get your credit from.”

“No,” he whispered, his throat felt as though every drop of moisture had been leached from his body. “No,” he said again more loudly. “I'll work with Jared.” And he was suddenly composed, and as she beamed her approval he was able to calmly write their names, Jensen Ross and Jared Padalecki, and it looked so right that he was actually able to meet her gaze and return her smile.

When he got home his mother was preparing supper but she looked tired and pale and part of him wished that he hadn't started noticing things. He wondered what she would do if he put his arms around her but he didn't dare. She so often backed his father up he didn't feel able to open up to her. It suddenly seemed like there was a line drawn in front of him with his father on one side and himself and Jared on the other. He didn't know which side of the line his mother stood. He was filled with sorrow over the fact that she was such a cypher to him.

Margaret was sitting up at the big table, watching their mother work as she use pencils to colour in a bible colouring book. It looked impossibly neat for a small child's work, he realised, everything within the lines, and all in correct colours. It made him sad all of a sudden to see her so quiet and repressed, he wanted to hear her laugh, wanted to take her to the studio at college and help her splash paint in bright messy splashes, wanted her to taste the cookies that Misha made that were more chocolate than cookie. He forced his gaze away from her and back onto his mother. 

“Uh, mom I have to work with a partner for my next Art project. May I go and study with him for a couple of hours this afternoon, please?”  
“Is it someone from the church?” She asked sharply.  
“um . . . no, Reuben and Michael were already working together, this is a new kid who's just moved into town but he's a good boy, Momma. He doesn't cuss or smoke or anything.”  
“well, I guess it would be alright, as long as it's just homework you're doing.” she said slowly.

A small finger poked his thigh and liquid green eyes just like his own looked up at him imploringly, he smiled down at her, blipping the end of her nose with his finger tip. “Uh, Momma, Jared's got a new baby sister, may I take Margaret with me? She could play with the baby while we sort out our notes.”  
“well, I am going to Ruth's for the stitching group this afternoon and I was going to take her with me but If Margaret promises to be good she can go with you instead.”

Jensen loved the feeling of her little hand tucked into his and felt guilty for all the times he could have spent with her when he was too wrapped up in his own head to notice. As they walked up the street she was practically skipping with excitement. “Is this an adventure, Jensen?”  
“Yes, Margaret, I think it is,” he grinned as she bounced up on her toes too peer into the Aladdin's cave that was the shop window. 

“Do you think, that if we're on an adventure you could call me Maggie? Sometimes I pretend that's my name, or Princess like you called me the other night. I liked that too.”  
“Okay, Princess Maggie, it's a deal. When we're on adventures you can be whoever you like.”  
And it sent a buzz of excitement through him too, every moment he spent with Jared felt like an adventure and Jensen was finding out more and more about who he himself wanted to be and that was an adventure in itself.

Isis was running the store when he got there, chatting happily to a couple of teenage girls about whether they needed to be buying tarot or angel cards but she paused and greeted Jensen as warmly as always, giving him a brief hug and complimenting Maggie on her pretty dress before telling them to go on upstairs.

Jared was sitting at the kitchen table with Angel, he was sorting little round pots of glass beads into colours, holding them up to the light and handing over the ones that his mom asked for. Sepphy was laid on a blanket on the floor close beside them. She lay beneath a brightly coloured baby gym cooing loudly and blowing raspberries, Maggie immediately dropped to her knees beside the baby and began to play with her. 

“Hello Jensen, honey; it's good to see you again,” Angel smiled warmly as she welcomed him. Jensen smiled shyly back, tongue tied now, as though he had used up all his courage in coming here in the first place. Jared gave him a huge grin that lit up his face and made his eyes sparkle even more.  
“I'm sorry I missed class this morning, I had to manage the store for a couple of hours, everyone else was busy.”  
“We . . . I . . . I thought.” Jensen shook his head hopelessly , “is it a bad time? I shouldn't have come.”

“Hey, Jen, no!” Jared stood up and gave Jensen a brief hug wrapping him up for a few seconds before tugging him to sit down. “I'm so glad you're here, you can't imagine. It really sucked missing Art today 'cos I'm almost ready to turn my project in, but mostly because I wanted to see you.”  
“You did? Why?” Jensen couldn't help himself asking.  
“Because I like spending time with you of course.”

Jared's words sent a heady rush fizzing through Jensen's body.  
“That's lucky”, he said with a grin, feeling daring at bantering with Jared like this and loving how natural it felt. “I came to give you our next assignment, we have to work in pairs so I chose you.”  
“that's awesome!” Jared's response was so immediate and genuinely gleeful that Jensen couldn't help but return his grin.

Maggie came to stand beside him, her little face looking even more pale and pinched in comparison to Jared and Angel's healthy tans.  
“The baby's gone to sleep,” she stated in a quiet whisper, “may I sit up now, I'll be quiet, I won't disturb you.”  
“Hello sweetheart, what's your name?” Jared smiled as he wrapped an arm around her waist and hiked her up onto his lap. Her eyes went big and round in shock and she went rigid in his grasp. 

“It's okay, Maggie,” Jensen reassured her, “This is my friend Jared, he's real nice, he makes adventures happen.”  
She nodded but her thumb went into her mouth and although she stayed where Jared had put her she still held herself tensely. Jared looked helplessly at Jensen who just swallowed miserably, he just didn't interact with his sister enough to know what the problem was. 

Angel saved the situation, holding out her hand to the child she said, “Why don't you come to me, Maggie? I’m Angel. Look, I'm making pretty necklaces, would you like one? You can pick all your favourite colours and we'll make it together.”  
The child once again looked to Jensen for guidance.  
“We. . . uh, Margaret's not allowed to wear jewellery,” he explained softly.  
Angel looked at him keenly, “But is Maggie?” She asked.

Maggie's eyes were already looking longingly at the sparkling pots of colours, “I guess,” he said, chewing on his lip as he thought of what his father would say if he knew; then smiled and nodded, this was meant to be an adventure after all.  
“Princess Maggie should be allowed anything she wants.” he declared with a smile and a gentle squeeze to her arm. At his touch the little girl scrambled down from Jared's lap and circled the table to be by Angel.  
“Good.” Angel smiled, already fixing a plate of cookies and pouring milk into a pretty purple and gold glass as she pulled a second chair up beside hers. “And when we're done we'll find you a special box to keep it in for whenever you come here to play.”

As soon as the child moved Jared stood up abruptly and headed to his room, Jensen watched him go, still chewing his lip in concern. He was worried about Jared's reaction and he desperately wanted to be with him but was afraid to leave Maggie, the tension over the conflict made a tic begin in the corner of his eye and he knew he was close to grabbing Maggie and running for home.

“It's okay, Jensen.” Angel soothed, “I'll look after Maggie. you go on after Jay, he'll be okay, I promise. Can you remind him he's meant to be getting ready to go downstairs to help Misha lead the healing Circle in a minute.”

Jared's bedroom door was open so Jensen figured that meant Jared wanted him to go in, he still felt weird about it though. His Dad was so big on privacy, no one really went into anyone else's rooms much in their house.

Jared was sat cross legged on the bed, his face in his hands, and Jensen stood in the doorway and watched him helplessly. “I'm sorry?” he offered softly.  
“Ah fuck! Jen. It's not your fault.” Jensen startled at the vehemence of Jared's expletive and he could see Jared making a visible effort to calm himself down.  
“We . . . uh . . . We're not big on touching in my house.” Jensen tried to explain. Whenever he spoke to Jared about his father he felt disloyal, like he was letting the family down but right now it seemed worse if he'd done anything to upset his friend. 

“My Dad says it's unhealthy, makes you weak and leads to sin.” He gave a nervous smile, still anxious at how tense Jared still was. “Pretty much anything leads to sin as far as he's concerned really.” He volunteered, watching as Jared assimilated the information. “Maggie, she didn't mean . . . it was . . . well I shouldn't think anyone's held her on their lap like that before, not since she was a baby.” He suddenly remembered what Angel had said. “Your mom says don't forget you need to go help Misha soon.”

Jared stood up and shook himself, “Okay, this conversation will have to wait then, I need to focus if I'm doing that.” And to Jensen's shock Jared shrugged off the shirt he was wearing and slung it in a hamper before pulling a white linen top from a drawer. Jensen couldn’t help but stare, Jared looked so sculpted and perfect, still lanky but already filling out and growing in to his height. Jensen felt bad for staring but somehow couldn't bring himself to look away, his mouth suddenly dry. Jared didn't seem at all concerned though as he tugged the shirt down over his head. “You want to come too?”

Jensen's eyes widened, He hadn’t even thought about it, could imagine his father's wrath if he knew his son had even visited this heathen place, let alone that Jensen had joined in one of their pagan ceremonies. And yet. . . part of him realised he was only parroting his fathers views and opinions, that he didn't actually know what he believed himself. He was curious though and he could feel himself wavering.

It's just a healing circle, Jen'. We're not summoning Demons!” Jared's teasing was gentle but behind it Jensen could see an undercurrent of something else. Jensen was good at reading people, he needed to be to help him anticipate his parents wishes as soon as possible but this was different, this was . . . he blinked and allowed himself to fully meet Jared's steady gaze. Hope, longing, Jared wasn't just suggesting he tag along, his friend really wanted him to be there. He nodded hesitantly, “Yes, yes okay, as long as it doesn't go on too long. We've got to be home before my Dad gets back at six.”

“Here, put this on.” Jared found another shirt, similar to his own and tossed it on to the bed, Jensen looked at him dumbly. Being with Jared made him feel like he was permanently on the edge of a precipice, Jensen was never sure when he would fall in. Right now going along with Jared's suggestion felt like deliberately throwing himself off the edge. 

Jared's voice was patient as he explained. “Misha tends to burn a lot of Sage to cleanse the energies in this sort of work, I actually quite like it but it does reek! If you borrow one of my shirts now then you can change back again before you go home, saves having to answer awkward questions.” Jensen nodded, surprised and pleased at Jared's thoughtfulness. 

Jared looked at him, obviously expecting Jensen to change as easily as he had done himself but it seemed like a much bigger deal to him than it was to Jared to just strip off like that. He didn't think he'd ever taken his shirt off in front of anybody since . . . well, he didn't even like to go swimming any more. Sensing his nervousness Jared gave him a reassuring smile. “I'll go check on the girls, you come out when you're ready.” and he headed out towards the kitchen, leaving Jensen to change alone. 

Jared led him down to the store and through a doorway into a small room that contained a couch and a coat rack and little else. Jared slipped his shoes off so Jensen followed suit. Jensen watched as Jared stood still for a moment before he gently pushed the door open to usher Jensen into the larger room. “this is the Ritual room,” he explained softly, “where we hold groups. There are therapy rooms through the other way for individual work and Mom's Reiki and stuff but for large groups like this one and the yoga we use this room.” Jensen swallowed and nodded, completely beyond speech, fear made him feel like goosebumps were prickling every inch of his flesh and he was icy cold.  
“If it gets too much just leave quietly and go back upstairs to Angel, I'll be there as soon as I can. Jared gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, “This is the point where I would ask you to be quiet and respectful but I've never seen you be anything else.”

As they entered the room Jensen stared round in wonderment, he didn't know what he had expected, something like the church rooms he guessed but this was . . . well, it was beautiful, the blinds were drawn and the room was only dimly lit by a few candles. Soft rugs and cushions were laid on the floor to form a circle round a low table which held the candles, flowers and several other things that his eyes struggled to make out in the dim light. Misha held a smouldering bundle of herbs and as they walked in he carefully moved it around them so that they were bathed in the smoke.

A couple of people were already there and Jensen was surprised to see Chris with an older blonde man sat cross legged on the floor. Chris smiled but Jensen felt too stunned to do anything in response. Jared tugged his hand lightly to sit down next to him and Jensen closed his eyes, suddenly feeling the atmosphere of the place begin to calm him. It was as though all his tension and fear began to drain away. When he opened them again the room was nearly full and he was afraid that he might have missed something while he was zoned out but a quick glance at Jared showed that his friend still had his eyes shut and a look of relaxed concentration on his face.

As Misha came to sit down and complete the circle Jared opened his eyes and gave Jensen's hand another comforting squeeze. In just those few short minutes his friend's demeanour had completely changed, Jared now seemed completely relaxed, calm and focused. Misha gave a brief welcome and then asked Jared to start. Jared rocked forward onto his knees and held his hands out, palms facing upwards. His voice was clear and direct even though he spoke quietly.

“I call on the spirits of mother earth to be with us in our circle today as we call for healing, both for her and for ourselves. Let us be mindful as we honour our walk through this world, holding always in our hearts the five sacred things . . .”

It should have felt terrible, Jensen waited for himself to begin to burn with shame and disgust at it all but he couldn't, not when he felt so safe and so calm. Not with Jared sitting next to him looking so tranquil and sincere, the words that he was speaking felt more true to Jensen than anything he had heard in a very long time. 

“Blessed be.” Jared finished and it was gently chorused by everyone else in the room.

“Thank you, Jay.” Misha smiled and everyone seemed to become more alert somehow. Like the shuffle that went through the congregation when prayers were over but with more anticipation as to what was coming next. 

First they went round the circle, each person saying their name and why they were here, what they were hoping for from the session. When it came to Jensen's turn he froze for a second not able to speak but Jared smoothly took the speaking stick from him merely saying “this is my friend, Jensen,” before going on to give his own details. And as a few of them nodded or smiled in welcome Jensen was able to relax as he realised that no one here was going to judge him or make him feel small. 

Misha talked a little then, with a quiet passion about the earth and how we had to respect her and try to heal the damage that had been done to her. There was no point wasting energy in blaming people, we had to move on and do whatever small things we could. He talked about the bees and the fact they were leaving, how honey was a great tool for healing and nutrition. He asked his audience to have positive intentions in their hearts to keep their own lives as free from pesticides as was possible, to plant the scented flowers and herbs the bees loved. 

Jensen thought of the noise involved in church sessions, though the music was sometimes nice all too often it was too loud and out of tune, interspersed then by his fathers shouted rhetoric or one of the other elders ranting.  
The peace here was wonderful, it made it so much easier for Jensen to be able to really hear what was being said, to relax and enjoy the atmosphere. 

They sat in silence for a minute as Misha explained that he wanted to lead them on a guided visualisation and asked them to get comfortable. Jared wriggled back so that he could lean against the wall so Jensen followed suit, several people including Chris's friend lay down, Chris himself stayed sitting with his legs crossed, hands resting lightly on his knees; the turquoise pendant glittered round his neck and he looked more at home in his own skin than Jensen had ever seen him.

“Close your eyes,” Misha instructed, “And take in a deep breath. As you let it out slowly picture all your concerns leaving you on your breath. And again . . . and this time make the out breath last as long as you can . . . and focus on that rhythm and give quiet thanks for the miracle of your body. 

When you are ready I want you to picture yourself on a cliff top, you're safe, not near the edge but you can see for miles, the deeper blue of the ocean rolling out as far as you can see until it meets the blue of the sky. Let that peaceful blue begin to fill your whole body, the cool and calm properties of it soothing away any tension and pains.”

Jensen had meant to come merely to observe but Misha's voice seemed to trigger something deep within him and he could see the scene unfolding in front of him exactly as the man described. 

“You walk along the path, barefoot, the ground beneath your feet a little rough but only enough to make you feel alive and alert as you pick your way along the path. The grass that you walk on is springy and wiry and the path twists down to the beach, leading you down toward the shore where the waves are gently breaking. The further down toward the beach you go the sandier the path becomes and as you come fully onto the beach you stop to wriggle your toes in the sand, feeling the sun-warmth from it and the grittiness getting between your toes.

“You stay still for a moment on the sand, letting the sun warm you and love you, holding the earth who is our mother in your heart but remembering that without balance there is stagnation and our Father is of equal importance and the sun is his manifestation of His strength and love. You ask his blessing on you and on the earth as you continue your journey. 

“As you round the headland you walk back up the beach leaving the sea behind you as you turn to face the forest. Just a few trees at first, salt spare and bent by the wind but the deeper you go the more dense it becomes until you are surrounded by green on every side and it is all pulsing and alive, humming with the energy of the sap rising in the plants and the insects working to pollinate and propagate.”

It was so real Jensen thought if he opened his eyes he would be there, could almost feel the undergrowth beneath his feet, he wanted to reach out and touch, feel the waxy shine of the lush vegetation.

“And you come through the trees and into a clearing, a grotto of moss covered rocks with a crystal clear stream trickling into a small pond. And now you can rest, sit beside the water and listen to our mother's voice as she sings to you through the music of the water.”

Misha's voice was beautiful he thought with amazement, like having someone narrate his dreams, just loud enough for people to hear clearly what he was saying but his tone was pure and gentle. 

“You're thirsty now so you give thanks, and you scoop up a handful to drink, it's the purest, cleanest thing you've ever tasted and it quenches your thirst like nothing before. As you sit there listening you ask the earth what it is you need now to be healed, just listen in silence for the words to appear in your heart.” 

The sound of the water filled his head, he had never felt such peace before and he found himself praying fervently, please, Lord, help me, how can I be healed, please help me. He felt the cool water taste in his mouth and the words “be open” seemed to from in his mind with an almost crystalline purity and he felt strengthened and empowered by the message.

After some time in silence Misha's spoke again, “Give thanks once more for your blessings but for now it's time to leave this sacred place, hold it's memory in your heart to revisit when you are in need of refreshment. 

Slowly you make your way back through the trees, toward the beach, the heat of the sun has given way now to the cool of the evening, the first stars are beginning to glimmer in the sky and you cross back over the sand towards the cliff path. 

Your sojourn in the forest has revitalised you and it is an easy climb back up the cliff to the headland where we started. I am going to count down slowly and when you feel ready you can open your eyes and rejoin the group.”

Jensen heard Misha's countdown with a jolt of pain, he didn't want to leave this beautiful place, wasn't ready to come back yet. He could hear the murmuring round him as people moved, yawned and stretched but he wasn't ready, he just wanted a little longer to rest.

Jared's hand was warm on the side of his face suddenly, his other hand on Jensen's knee stroking gently. “Come back to us, Jensen. It's safe to come back here.” Jensen wanted to take the feeling of Jared's tenderness with him into the dream-space but he could feel Jared gentle movements tugging him back into the room and he reluctantly opened his eyes, blinking and bewildered. 

Jared sat back again but still kept one hand on Jensen's knee, making him feel like he was anchored to the world. Quietly they went round the circle describing what they had seen, the messages they felt they had been given. Chris talked about having to find his roots, reconnect with his heritage while others spoke of changes in lifestyle or behaviours. Jensen dipped his head when his turn came and Jared smoothly took over, talking surprisingly little about his vision, mentioning only that he had to listen.

Once everyone had finished speaking they discussed as a group what they were feeling and it amazed Jensen at how open people could be. As they drew to a close Jared leaned in to whisper, “If you want to go on upstairs and change I'll be there as soon as we've cleared up,” Jensen nodded gratefully, still not ready to talk to Chris or anyone else about what he had experienced.

By the time Jared arrived Jensen was wearing his own clothes once more and sat at the table chatting small talk with Angel as Maggie showed him the small stash of trinkets she and Angel had made together. Angels work was beautiful, delicately stitched works of art that were more than just beads. He longed to be able to have one for his mom but he knew that she would never be allowed to keep it. Maggie's sense of colour once given free reign obviously leaned to bright pinks, greens and silvers but she had still strung her beads in neat sequences. 

Angel had given her a pretty carved wooden box and once the child had shown her finery to Jensen she carefully packed each thing into a dainty bag made of fine glittering fabric and placed it into the box for safe keeping. “Angel says I can keep it here,” she said fearfully but with a hint of defiance in her voice as though she was daring Jensen to try and take it from her. It actually warmed his heart to hear, she wasn't the little shrinking mouse that he was. 

“that sounds like a good plan” he reassured. “Princess, we have to go soon, we need to be back before Daddy gets home from work.”

Her bottom lip began to quiver and Misha who had followed Jared upstairs said, “why don't you hang on just a little bit longer, have some tea, you need to decompress a little anyway, I'll drive you home in a little while. We'll make sure you're not late.”

Jensen sat silent, enjoying the feelings of calm and peace that he had brought back from the healing circle. He watched with a faint smile as the little family interacted, Misha was making drinks and finding cookies, Isis had come up from the store and was nursing Sepphy. Jared was putting the beads away into a storage carton and Angel was playing with Maggie's hair. The child had grown dishevelled during her afternoon but she looked happier and more relaxed than Jensen had ever seen her; although to Jensen it was quite obvious she had been doing something forbidden.

Angel was so gentle as she worked though, Maggie who so often cried out in pain when one of his parents did her hair sat docile as a lamb as Jared's mom worked, gently loosening the too tight plaits and carding her fingers through the silken strands until Maggie's hair framed her face with long soft waves that really suited her. 

“Are you going to be okay?”  
Jensen looked up with a start, Misha had put a mug in front of him and sat down beside him. Jensen didn't know if he felt safe or threatened, sandwiched between Jared and Misha, the older man still too much of an unknown quantity for Jensen to trust him yet. He felt a little like he'd left part of himself behind in the forest and the world was too bright and he had to force himself to concentrate on what Misha was saying. He shrugged, subconsciously angling his body towards Jay, towards safety and when Jared threw a protective arm around him, pulling Jensen close in beside him; Jensen went willingly.

“I'm sorry, I should have made sure you were better grounded.” Misha's voice was soft and sincere and Jensen wondered if any one here ever raised their voice in anger. Jensen shrugged and bit his lip, not sure how to responded.  
“Grounded just means making sure you're centred, like . . in a good place mentally before you start.” Jared explained. “It's cool, you’ll learn, that is if you want to come again?”

“Please.” Jensen nodded. He drank a swallow of his tea, just straight forward ordinary tea this time. He was quite surprised actually, considering some of the things he'd had to drink while he was there.  
“Thought you needed a dose of reality,” Misha said cheerfully before relenting in his intense scrutiny of Jensen and going to watch Angel who was still playing with Maggie's hair.

They'd moved to the huge purple couch and Maggie was practically curled up in Angel's lap like a kitten. Almost purring too, judging by the contented smile on her face. The look on Angel's face though was of pure pain and Misha moved in protectively behind her pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of her eye. “They have to get ready to leave, sweetheart,” he said gently and she gave a sad little smile and a sigh that sent splinters of ice through Jensen's heart. Even Jared was silent as he watched the scene play out and Jensen knew he was missing something huge.

Tenderly she began to re braid the child's hair, her fingers deftly restoring order to the wayward golden waves. Oblivious to what was happening Maggie yawned and snuggled in closer, “I wish you were my Momma, I wish I could stay with you.”  
Angel physically recoiled for a moment as though she had been struck but Jensen could see her hands were shaking although she continued to work gently until Maggie's hair was neatly restrained once more.

With a sudden start Jensen realised the time, “We have to go, we have to go now! Misha please.” He jumped to his feet and Maggie rocketed up too with a little gasp of distress. Jared stood up as well but he looked grief stricken from Jensen to Angel and back again. She was still sitting on the couch, her face pale and her eyes closed. “Stay with your mom, Jared, it's okay,” Jensen instructed, too concerned about being late and the punishment that such a transgression would bring to worry about being alone in the car without Jared. “Come on, Margaret, we have to go, quickly.” 

The last thing Jensen was aware of as he bundled his sister back into her jacket was Angel collapsing into Misha's arms as Jared knelt beside her rubbing her back. It was Isis who picked up the car keys and hurried down the stairs behind them to drive them home. 

 

It was a holiday weekend so the store had been closed since the healing session on Friday afternoon, by the time Monday morning came around, Jared was feeling anxious and fidgety in a way that he just wasn't used to. He hoped that Jensen and his sister hadn't gotten into trouble for being late home on Friday but since Jensen didn't have a cell phone there was no way for him to find out. His thoughts had returned continually to his friend until it seemed too long somehow to wait until Wednesday when he and Jensen had their next Art lesson together. Really Jared knew he was just looking for excuses to go round and see Jensen just because he just wanted to be with the other boy. There was just something about being with Jensen that made Jared feel calm and centred, somehow complete in a way he hadn’t felt since . . . well, since he was a small child.

He found himself more than a little scared as he got ready, knowing how strictly religious Jensen's father was he didn't want to do anything that might put Jensen at risk. He knew his family were concerned too, the conversation had gone on long into the night as they discussed Maggie and Jensen’s behaviours, the way they both seemed so repressed and fearful. For Angel especially it had been really difficult, the little girl had touched a deep chord in her.

Jared repeated some of the stories he'd been told at school about the strict religious church the family belonged to but it didn't go all the way to explaining things, the way he'd noticed fresh marks on Jensen’s hand even though Jensen tried to keep them hidden. For Jared and Angel it all stirred up issues they had both thought long since over. Jared had replayed every scrap of conversation he'd ever had with Jensen over in his head and he tried to find clues, he wished he knew for sure what life was like in the Ross household, he couldn't believe such fear and repression could come from a normal, loving family environment.

Finally he had determined to go and see for himself how Jensen was, he could only hope that he wouldn't get Jensen into more trouble and he was careful to change into his most conservative clothing before he left. Picking a plain shirt with long sleeves that hid his tattoo and tying his hair back into a neat ponytail, even switching his brightly coloured converse for a pair of brown loafers.

 

Jensen was giving the accounts he was working on a final check when the doorbell rang, he knew better than to answer it though, his father always opened the door if they weren't expecting visitors. He was shocked to see that the caller was Jared and he jumped to his feet with a clatter, he father turned round and glared at him. Jensen's hands started shaking, he couldn’t stand the thought of Jared being exposed to his father’s wrath. 

But Jared looked so calm and restrained, he had taken out his earring and his hair was tamed back in a tidy pony tail. Even the clothes he wore were understated and plain and Jensen almost wanted to laugh at how easily Jared was playing his father. He cradled Sepphy in a sling across his chest and the baby was smiling and cooing and looking just as adorable as she always did. 

“Good morning, sir. I'm Jensen's partner in Art class this semester, Jared. I was wondering sir, since God has blessed us with such a beautiful day today whether Jensen and MAG . . . Margaret would like to come for a walk. I'm taking my baby sister to get some fresh air.”

The blood was pounding so hard in Jensen's ears he didn't even hear his father's response. It wasn't until Margaret tugged on his hand that he realised that their father had actually agreed to let them go. He hurried to find a jacket and help his sister into a coat, almost afraid that if they took too long his father might have a sudden change of heart. Actually the man seemed bored by the whole thing and retired to his study before Margaret had even put her shoes on.

“Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe that worked!” Jared was practically crowing with delight as they hurried away from the house. He reached into his pocket and brought out one of Maggie's necklaces and draped it round her neck. “Come on then Princess, I thought we could head to the park.”

Jensen felt like was caught up in a whirlwind as Jared laughed and teased, grabbing Maggie's hand he told Jensen to take her other one and he ran, dragging the pair of them along behind him then he showed Jensen how to swing the little girl between them and she shrieked in fear and delight, begging for more when they tried to stop.

They played with the two little girls until the children were tired then Jared bought ice creams and they sat on a bench near the swings to eat them so that they could sit Sepphy in the baby swing while they ate. The treats Jared had chosen were outrageous, piled high with chocolate sticks and rainbow sprinkles and Maggie had eyed hers nervously at first but was now tucking in enthusiastically, occasionally letting Sepphy suck dabs of it off her little finger as she had seen Jared do.

They rarely had ice cream in his house, food was fuel, it encouraged gluttony to have sweets, to add sprinkles and candy to an already extravagant treat was just frivolous. But to Jensen it tasted like heaven.

“You don't do anything by halves do you?” He smiled at Jared who had finished his already and was now sucking on the chocolate stick, letting it melt onto his tongue in a way that made Jensen want to stare and look away at the same time. He swallowed uncomfortably and concentrated on his own ice cream for a few minutes, it's milky sweetness making his mouth tingle. He wasn't able to eat even half though; unused to the sugar it made him feel jittery and odd so he handed it over to Jared to finish. Maggie seemed to have no such issues and had rapidly demolished hers, she was now gently pushing the baby in the swing cooing and chatting to her as she played.

“I'm real sorry about the other night,” Jensen said hesitantly. “I didn't realise that bringing Maggie round might upset your mom, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by what she said.”  
“Fuck, Jen!” Jared looked so pained that Jensen barely even registered the curse.  
“I'm s. . .”  
“I swear if you apologise for something that isn't your fault one more time I'll . . . I'll . . . well, I don't know what I'll do but I'll ask Misha for ideas so it's bound to be terrible.”  
Jensen smiled weakly, at least Jared wasn't looking so angry any more, his friend seemed to wear every emotion written across his face, moods changing so fast Jensen sometimes struggled to keep up. He looked down at his feet again, scuffing his feet against the rubberised safety surface. He clutched the edge of the bench, gripping the sun warmed wood to keep himself grounded. It was all too easy sometimes to lose himself inside his own head and he wanted to fully experience every moment spent with Jared.

Jared's hand gently covered his on the bench, Jared's fingers long and warm completely hiding Jensen's own. “It's okay to be confused by all this, Jen. It must all be so strange and new for you and I get that. I should be the one saying sorry. if I lose patience or get angry it's not with you, okay? It's never with you, just at what's been done to you.”  
“Okay,” Jensen whispered, suddenly choked by the lump in his throat, he didn't know why Jared felt Jensen was worth spending time with but Jensen just thanked God that he did.

“It wasn’t wrong to bring Maggie with you on Friday, it was lovely, my mom really enjoyed spending time with her.”  
“but she got upset,” Jensen objected, “and so did you.”  
Jared closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath , Jensen waited patiently as his friend grounded himself. Carefully he moved his hand turning it palm up and threading his fingers between Jared's, he felt strange and daring initiating the move but he felt like it was the right thing to do and Jared rewarded him with a gentle squeeze of his fingers. Jen felt like he could stay like this for ever, the comfort of his (more than) friend beside him, watching Maggie laughing and free, playing in the sunshine.

Finally Jared spoke, his fingers tightening subconsciously around Jensen's and Jensen leaned in as close as he dared in so public a place.  
“Jen, we haven't always been like this, Angel and me. A long time ago I was as scared and quiet and subdued as you and Maggie. My Dad was a drunk who beat us and hurt my mom over and over again.”  
“Ohhh" Jensen breathed, “That's horrible!”  
“It was,” Jared agreed “but at the time we didn't know anything else and my mom loved us so much. The times he wasn't around we were happy enough in our own way.” 

“Then one night he wanted to go out for more beer and he'd been drinking for most of the day. He'd had some DUI's so he had one of those immobilisers fitted on his car, you know with a breathalyser fitted before the car will start?”  
Jensen nodded, his heart thudding in his chest, this wasn't anything like he could have imagined, had believed that Jared had always been wild and free, it was so hard to picture him as a sad and scared little boy.  
“So he came in and screamed at mom to come and drive him but she . . I dunno, wasn't fast enough or something so he grabbed up my sister and took her with him. We guess he got her to blow into the device and started the car with her still in it. He jumped the first red light and ploughed straight into a truck.”

Jared swallowed, looking again at Maggie who was now trying to teach the baby to blow kisses. “So when we see Maggie it hurts but in a good way because she reminds us of another little girl we loved so much. And it's why Angel is feeling fragile at the moment, because Sepphy too is a constant reminder now of her loss.”

Jared angled his body in towards Jensen and looked right into his eyes, Jensen was doing better at eye contact but it still unnerved him and he hated seeing the pain in Jared's gaze.

“Jen, the worst thing for both of us is seeing how withdrawn and scared you and Maggie are. It worries us that you're both being abused just like we were.”  
“no . . . no.” Jensen's denial was instant but as Jared continued to look at him Jensen's certainty faltered, “We're not . . . I mean, she's not . . . it's not like that.”

Jared lifted Jensen's hand and turned it over carefully, exposing the painful looking welts raised by Alan's vicious punishment that morning. Jensen's cheeks flamed as Jared looked at them in silence. Jensen flinched, pulling his hand away. “It's my fault,” he insisted, “dad loves me, I'm just evil, he tries so hard to make me good.”  
“Oh Jensen, no.” Jared recaptured his hand and held it again gently, “you're not, you’re really not.” He made a visible effort to pull himself together before continuing, “think about everything we've discussed, about God and life and everything? Look at Maggie – is she evil? Or Sepphy, or how about me?”  
Jensen shook his head, “No of course not, never.”  
“How old were you when he first did this, Jen?”  
“Eight,” Jensen whispered.  
“So in what two or three years Maggie's suddenly going to turn evil and it will be okay for him to do this to her?”  
“I'll kill him if he lays a finger on her!” Jensen burst out, loud enough that Maggie turned round to see what was happening. He was trembling as all the implications began to wash over him.

“It's okay, sweetheart, we're just messing about,” Jared reassured and she nodded doubtfully before turning her attention to the baby once more.  
“Why did he do it this time?” Jared asked gently and Jensen looked away.  
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” Jensen looked away now, unable to meet his gaze.  
“Jen, listen to me, whatever you did, it didn't deserve this, I'm not going to judge you or think any worse of you.”  
“I . . . I can't control myself okay? In the night . . . when I'm asleep I can't stop my head from dreaming about things . . . I should have more control.”

“Oh Jen, “ The despair in Jared;s voice was evident and Jensen hated himself for putting it there before Jared continued. “you're a nineteen year old boy, that’s kind of inevitable, especially if you don't uh wank before you go to sleep.”  
Jensen stared at him dumbly.  
“Do you even know what I'm talking about.”  
Jensen shrugged his shoulders, cheeks still flaming. “Kind of but it would be a sin, leading to lust and overindulgence.”  
“Do you know your voice goes dead when you start parroting back the stuff they tell you?”  
Jensen shrugged again, “I've wondered but I don't know, not really. I . . . I've never touched myself deliberately.” He admitted.  
“It's not wrong if you have a wet dream, Jen. He shouldn't be punishing you for that, promise me you won't let him do this to you again. Your as tall as he is, you can stop him.”  
When Jensen finally replied his voice was tiny and hopeless, “But he's my Dad.” 

 

Jared was so intrigued by Jensen, each time he spent with his new friend the more special the other boy became. He wanted to learn more about what made him tick though, he couldn't imagine what it was like to have your every thought and action dictated to you. More so than ever now he had left school and was at college he pretty much had the freedom to do what he wanted, obviously Angel and the others gave him guidance when he needed it but on the whole as long as it didn't hurt anyone else he could do as he pleased. Although the more he thought about it the more he realised that what he wanted was to help and support his family and he respected them so much that he would never take advantage.

Still that didn’t go far to explain why Jensen was the way he was, so uptight and fearful, the way he sounded so brainwashed sometimes when he repeated some of his churches teachings. Jared knew it would upset Jensen terribly if Jared tried to go to church with him, the brief meeting he'd had with his friends father the other week had been more than enough, but surely it couldn't hurt to go round to the building, maybe see if there was any literature that he could pick up, something to explain a little of what Jensen was being forced to believe.

The building itself was the first surprise, he and his mom occasionally went to church, the others too if they were in the right mood. The buildings he was used to were usually old but friendly, inviting somehow, Jared found just being in places that were frequently used for worship to be calming and soothing. This square concrete box was nothing like that, no posters to invite people in or inform them of service times, he'd have missed it if he hadn't spotted the small brass plaque to one side of the door. Assembled Brethren of the Lord. 

He approached cautiously, and could hear music faintly coming from inside, a service was obviously in session despite the fact that it was a Wednesday afternoon. carefully he circled the building and found an open window where he could hear clearly what was going on, he hunkered down to listen, making himself as comfortable as possible in the warmth of the evening sunshine. The concrete was rough against his skin but he was soon completely distracted by the music from within.

The guitarist was obviously very talented and the music was truly beautiful, Jared could happily have listened to it for hours but gentle chords and soothing tones soon gave way to violent discord as a speaker took over, an elderly man from the sound of it, who spoke of the need to be watchful against the insidious evils of the modern world. “Now we call on Elder Ross to bring us God's message today.”

His voice gave way to a younger one, strident and hectoring that put Jared on edge instantly, he suddenly had a bad feeling, worming and sick in his stomach that made him want to run away but he forced himself to stay and listen to Jensen's father preach. 

“Brothers, I call on you today to ponder on a text from Leviticus and those godless practices that put our children in daily danger of moral corruption. I plan to speak also of the terrible way in which these damned sinners subvert good Christian messages for their own ends, the rainbow, brothers is the symbol of Gods promise to us that he shall never again try to destroy mankind and yet I say to you that as these evil doers try to turn his own blessing against him it is as if they were spitting in the face of God. . .”

Jared felt sick, dizzy. No wonder Jensen was so torn up and confused if he was regularly subjected to this level of vitriol. He tuned out for a moment, dizzy and sick at what he was hearing, this was Jensen's own father saying these things, how could such a gentle and introverted person have come from such rabid hatred?

“. . . these homosexuals, the loose women who bear children out of the sanctity of wedlock, those that are tainted by the sin and corruption endemic in today’s society, they will all burn, Satan himself will visit them with torments grater than the human mind can conceive of. It is only us my brothers, only we who can stay pure and untainted that will be saved come judgement day, that is why we strive daily to keep our families pure, and so I exhort you once again, spare the rod and spoil the child, it is for you as heads of your houses to keep the unruly children in line . . .”

He couldn't listen any longer to it, he felt dirty just by being near that level of hatred, couldn't imagine how it must be for Jensen to live with that vitriol all the time. He wanted to throw up, his hands were shaking, he was about to leave when he was startled by a door suddenly opening close beside him. He leapt to his feet as Maggie came running out followed by a few other children of varying ages. Jensen came last, closing the door softly behind him, his eyes widening in shock as he saw Jared.

Jensen's voice was quiet but firm as he spoke to the children, “Okay guys, you have 10 minutes to let off some steam before we go back in for bible study.” The children dispersed quickly into the small shrub filled yard, although Maggie came over to give him a quick squeeze of his hand before disappearing off with her friends. Jared was still rooted to the spot, gasping in his distress, Jensen beckoned him further away from the building, “They won't hear us round here.” When Jared still didn't move Jensen grabbed his sleeve and physically tugged him round the corner. Jared couldn't even begin to come to terms with what he'd just heard.  
“Were you in there for all that?” he asked softly, hesitantly, afraid of what his friend might think now.

Jensen shrugged, “sure, it's nothing new, it's one of Dad's favourite subjects, it's why I volunteered to take care of the kids so I don't have to hear him for too long. He's only just started warming up, he'll go one for ages yet.”  
“There's so much hatred,” Jared said in despair, he felt as though he'd been physically assaulted, bruised and still totally nauseated. Jensen was standing carefully away from him, Jared wanted, no needed to be able to touch him but Jensen wasn't letting him get close enough. “Please. . .” Jared felt so lost, he was struggling still to process it all. “Jensen, Jen . . .I'm gay, he hates me!” he whispered.

“Go home, Jay.” Jensen said gently, and the nickname made him feel strangely relieved, that this was still his Jensen. “will you be able to come round later?” He asked, his voice still sounding small and pathetic to him.  
“I'll try,” Jensen agreed, “Go on home now, in case any of the elders come out to check up on us,” And finally Jared staggered away, mind still reeling, feeling lost and hopeless, afraid now that he had lost Jensen on top of everything else. He hadn't meant to just blurt his confession out like that, however he might feel about the other boy their friendship was far more important to him than anything else. He was afraid that Jensen might reject him now out of loyalty to his father and his misguided beliefs.

 

Jared lay on his bed, huddled under a pile of comforters, he couldn't stop shaking, it had been too much for him to deal with. The loud, hectoring tones still ringing in his ears and bringing back memories he'd thought long since gone. The empty space in his heart was like a physical ache, he missed his twin so badly sometimes, even after all these years.

He was lost in his own misery, convinced that Jensen would be scared away for good now, that he had lost the first person he'd ever felt this way about when he heard the door open so softly that he knew it had to be his friend. He couldn't bring himself to move, afraid that Jensen had come to say good bye, that he couldn't be with him any more.

He felt Jensen sit on the bed and then a gentle hand wormed its way inside the comforter and Jensen rearranged the covers until he was inside the nest of blankets beside Jared. Lying so close, his eyes looking owlishly big in the semi darkness. Jared wanted to turn away, afraid of what he might read in his friends face but it had taken so long to get Jensen to make eye contact he knew he couldn't avoid his gaze now. Jensen pressed himself even closer, lean angles but surprisingly solid flesh warm against Jared in the gloom.

“What you told me today?” Jensen whispered. “It wasn't actually a surprise you know. I might be naïve but I’m not stupid.” He cuddled in closer and the pain in Jared's heart began to ease. “I think I kind of got the message the first time I saw you when you called me pretty boy, all the rainbows and the hand holding and the snuggling was just confirmation.”

“Oh, okay.” Jared didn't know how to respond.  
“In case you hadn't noticed I held your hand yesterday too.” And his hand reached down and took Jared's larger one again and Jared clung on to it like a lifeline. “I . . . I've always known that I am too.”  
“Oh,” Now that was sort of a surprise, it hadn't actually occurred to him that Jensen might be gay too, had just assumed that his friend was responding to him because he was so physically starved of affection.  
“How can you bear it then? How can you listen to him say stuff like that?”  
“Mostly I just tune it out,” Jensen admitted. “Sometimes I think he knows, that it's aimed specially at me but mostly I think he hates everyone equally. Women, gays, Jews, anyone who doesn't fit in to his narrow little world.”

They lay in the warm fuggy darkness, hands entwined, each lost in their own thoughts. Jared felt anchored to Jensen now, as though they were linked by more than just their joined hands. 

“I . . . I think you're really special, Jensen,” he admitted softly.  
“Yeah, I . . . I'm kind of ignorant about all this but I feel . . . I really like you too.” And Jensen moved then to put his arms round Jared, pulling him in close and just holding him. Jared was almost overwhelmed, choked by the emotions he was feeling, Knowing now how much it cost Jensen to be with him. Moved beyond words that after all this it had been Jensen who had reached out to him first, that Jensen was holding him and making him feel cherished and special.


	2. Chapter 2

It was one of those rare times when Jared wished he had a father to talk to, for the large majority of the time he felt he was better off with his mother and their unusual family. He was so used now to running on intuition, to feeling his way through the world, to meditating and waiting for messages but for the first time he felt there was something so important at stake he didn’t want the responsibility of dealing with it alone, it felt like the sort of issue he needed to go to someone for backup. 

He imagined for a minute having the sort of white bread family where he could go and work on the car with his Dad and talk about moving up the pace with his . . . well, yeah. That's obviously where the first problem would arise because he didn't know how many Dad's would be prepared to discuss gay sex anyway.

Worst case scenario would be having a Dad like Jensen's. Jared shuddered again at the memory from that morning, Jensen's voice so calm and matter of fact as he explained the cruel red lines beaten into his hand. “they don’t usually bleed,” he'd said, closing his hand into a fist to hide the wound, and he'd sounded like he was apologising. That apologetic note to Jensen's voice more than anything else, made Jared's skin crawl and his heart break a little. For the sake of all that he held holy Jared had schooled himself not make a flicker of emotion that would scare Jensen off when he was finally opening up, he didn't know it could be any worse until Jensen told him why he was beaten.

He knew his mom would listen, Angel had always encouraged Jared to be open, to discuss everything but somehow Jared felt he wanted a different opinion on this. In the absence of a father he figured maybe Misha was the next best thing. Actually, as far as talking about sex went Misha was probably the best person to talk to anyway. He wanted to rush back and find him straight away but he knew that at this time of the day they would all be occupied. Angel in the store, Isis would be busy with baby Seraph and Misha would be preparing food; Angel wasn't strict on many things but being late for dinner on nights when she had a workshop or class to run was something Jared knew better than to risk. He would have to leave it until the evening and hope to try and catch Misha alone.

He waited a few minutes until he was sure that Angel had gone to set up for her Reiki workshop downstairs and just hoped that tonight was one of the nights where Isis would join her. He pushed the door to the sitting room open cautiously, there had been more than one occasion recently where he'd seen more of Misha and Isis than he wanted or needed to. Not that he didn't love the guys but there were limits! And seeing the naked and writhing bodies of the people who were with his mom were pretty much where Jared drew the line, he just thanked the spirits that she hadn't been there at the time because there just wasn't enough brain bleach in the world for that.

Thankfully Misha was alone as Jared had hoped, lying on the sofa with the baby asleep on his chest. They never drank if they were going to do any sort of healing or Shamanic work so the beer in his hand made it obvious that he was settled in for the night. When he saw Jared he sat up with a genuine smile, nothing ever phased the older man, he was always so easy going and placid. Jared felt calmer already, just by being in his presence.  
“Hey, man, you wanna a beer? there's plenty.”  
Jared snagged a bottle from the table and flipped the lid off, watching as Misha gently slid the baby down his body so that she was cradled in his lap. She huffed and snuffled but settled down again almost immediately and Jared couldn't help but be awed at the beauty of the tiny creature.  
“So, is this a social call or was there something specific?” Misha's keen blue eyes scrutinised Jared's face and Jared exhaled, a long slow breath as he deliberated what he was going to say.

He settled himself into a huge bean sack on the floor and decided to throw the question back at Misha, see how much the other man had figured out for himself.  
“It's Jensen,” he admitted and Misha nodded his understanding “aaaahh,” he said, “and I mean that in the most encompassing and therapeutic of ways. That’s a very very large can of worms, are you sure you can handle opening it?”  
Jared shook his head “not really but I kind of need to, he's . . . well, he's special, more than anyone I’ve ever met before.”

Misha eyed him sympathetically, “Wow, you have fallen hard. Well from what I've seen of Jensen he's a nice kid but he's sad, and scared and a total innocent, his aura is the purest I've ever seen.”  
“Yeah? Makes sense I guess.” Jared thought again of the tiny touch Jensen had given him as they parted, the merest pressure on the back of Jared's hand but coming from Jensen it had meant more than the most exuberant of hugs from anyone else.  
“Mish, I want . . . well, we both want us to be more than friends and I don't know what to do.”

Misha chuckled causing the baby to wriggle and stretch. “If that's true I haven't been living in this family nearly long enough!” he teased.  
“Ass-hole! I don't mean like that! It's more . . . well, emotionally, not physically.”Jared finished the beer and put the bottle down but he wanted to keep his head clear so he didn't get another one. “He's so damaged, Misha. Like you saw he's so scared and closed in and he's just beginning to let me in. I don't want to spook him or do anything that might risk his friendship. He means to much to me for that.”

“But you know he wants more than friendship?”  
“He says he does,” Jared agreed biting his lip.  
“Misha, this morning his hand was bleeding, and he said . . . he said it was his fault! His Dad had caned him so hard he was bleeding and Jensen thought it was his fault.” Jared turned his anguished expression to look at the baby, trying to let her wholesome presence soothe him but the memory of Jensen's pain was too strong. 

Misha gently laid the tiny girl down on the couch and moved to kneel behind Jared, he placed both hands on Jared's shoulders, grounding him and Jared relaxed gratefully into the touch.  
“So he is being abused then?”  
“I think so, Yeah, physically and emotionally, but he thinks it's okay, that its just a part of his religion. His Dad cane's him for having wet dreams, he has to pray on his knees for hours if he does anything his Dad thinks is wrong.” Jared could feel himself getting distressed again, a sob rose in his throat and made him gag, he forced it away before continuing. “ And he believes it, he really thinks that touching himself means he's evil, he's never even had a wank! He thinks he's horrible and dirty because he had a dream about me! How am I supposed to get him past that?”

“Fuck!” Misha breathed. “But he's opening up though isn’t he? I know he still doesn’t speak much but he's always friendly and the way he looks at you . . . yeah. He wants more, I can see that.” 

Misha began to gently massage Jared's shoulders and Jared knew he was using the time to think but enjoyed the feeling of the other man's hands as he worked to ease the tension from Jared's neck and shoulders. Misha was such a skilful healer and Jared was much more tense than usual in his concern for Jensen. He let Misha work on him in silence for several minutes and he tried to empty his mind and focus on the feeling, hoping it would help give him some clarity and a way to move this forward. 

Finally Misha rocked back on his heels and moved back to the couch where Sepphy was stirring a little. He popped the lid from a fresh bottle of beer and scooped the infant back up to lie against his shoulder where she nuzzled into his neck and settled again.

“It's got to be baby steps, Jay.” he warned gently, “You're going to have to take this thing much slower than most boys your age would be capable of.”  
“Just as well I'm not most boys then isn’t it?” Jared retorted.  
“Jared, you need to think like a practitioner first and his boyfriend or future lover or whatever second. You need to work with him to give him his body back. . .” he looked Jared right in the eye, his gaze unblinking until Jared looked away. “If that’s even possible without therapy. He's older than you, yeah? These beliefs have been driven into him pretty firmly by now. Do you want me to work with you both on it?”

Jared looked up in shock, it hadn't even occurred to him that Jensen might need that level of help.  
“I . . . I think that would be too much for him to cope with right now,” he said after a moments deliberation. “I think I'll at least try to do this myself at least to start with.”

Misha nodded approvingly, “good call, just trust your instincts and let him start to enjoy himself a bit, think of other things he hasn't taken pleasure in before, not just sex but food, music, and safe touching. You're already on the right track with all of that, you'll do fine.”  
Thanks Mish'.” Jared's mind was already working as he tried to plan out how he and Jensen could make the most of their snatched times together.

 

As Jensen and Jared packed away their things Chris came over, cell phone in hand. “Hey, Jared, is it cool to walk home with you? Steve just texted to say he's round at the apartment, visiting with Isis.?”  
“Sure, Jared's tone was easy and relaxed the way it always was, he didn't seem to notice how rigid Jensen had gone, the way his skin had paled, he actually seemed to physically shrink in on himself. Not that Chris was a threat exactly,but it was all so new and so different, it was tough enough opening up to Jared let alone anyone else. 

He tried to force himself to breathe properly, feeling the throb in his eye for the fear and stress. It's only Chris he kept telling himself and Chris had been the nearest thing to a friend he had outside the church before Jared. They had even spent a little time together hanging out at school, it shouldn't feel so odd for him to walk home with them. Chris seemed a little surprised but pleased to find that Jensen was going back too. 

Jared and Chris chatted as they walked, Chris was so vibrant and full of humour but like Jared it was tempered with warmth and compassion. It was surprisingly easy to listen to them talk and by the time they reached the store he had begun to relax. He was still painfully aware of his own shortcomings though, even more so as he saw Chris greet Steve with an exuberant kiss. He wondered how it must feel for Jared – to want to be with Jensen like this when Jensen was still too much a prisoner of his fears and upbringing to allow it.

There were a couple of others there too, people Jensen recognised from the group but didn’t really know and he didn’t know how to handle it when they tried to talk to him. He sat on the periphery of the gathering, feeling more than a little overwhelmed, the apartment was big but somehow it seemed crowded, too much noise and laughter and it made his head spin. He escaped to the quiet of Jared's room as soon as was politely possible.

 

Jensen was 'off' all evening, Jared knew something was bugging him. He tried to give him some space, just quietly listening to music for a while after everyone had gone. Then finally as Jensen continued to be monosyllabic in his responses Jared broached the subject again. although initially Jensen denied it finally he broke down, he kept his gaze lowered and Jared was scared by the fact that Jensen wouldn't look him in the eye.  
“Sometimes when you look at me I feel like I'm some kind of strange creature or Science project.”  
“No,” Jared denied, “It's not like that.” He was genuinely horrified at the thought, Jensen was so precious to him.  
“Yes it actually kind of is,” Jensen insisted quietly. He sat on the very edge of the bed, as far away from Jared as he could get. His tone of voice was flat and emotionless, like this was something he'd rehearsed. “You judge me just like everyone else does. When you look at me you think that I'm this sad thing you need to save.”  
“That;s not fair,” hared kept his tone quiet but insistent, “I’ve never judged you, I . . . I think you're amazing, I always have.”  
Jensen blushed But kept on talking in that eerie, dull voice. “You show me this whole new world and make me question my whole belief system. Did it never occur to you that maybe I was happy not knowing? that I was okay just the way I was.” 

“Were you?” Jared asked softly, panic rising into a lump in his throat his as he realised what Jensen was trying to do. “Were you really happier then?”  
“No, of course I wasn't but it was my life and . . . and, well if you get bored of this experiment, fed up of playing with the monkeys in the zoo I have to go back to it.” his hands were shaking so hard and Jared couldn't stand it, he tried to take them in his own but Jensen pulled them away, standing up and backing towards the door. “I'm so scared, Jared. I'm terrified that I won't be able to go back, not now that I know there's something different.” 

“But you just keep moving forward, Jen, it's okay to change, I know it's scary but you'll be okay.”  
“You can't promise me that,” Jensen said quietly, “Jared, when this ends, when you find your next project, your next . . .”  
Hey, enough now,” Jared touched Jensen's face, “You're not a project I swear. I'm intrigued by you, yeah but it goes way beyond that. I enjoy spending time with you, I really care about you. I'm not going to just move on.”  
Jensen leaned in and Jared pulled him in closer, resting his head on Jensen's shoulder. “You are right though, I did get so caught up in showing you how much more there is to this big bad world that I never really asked about you.” 

Jared cast about desperately for something to distract Jensen from his negative train of thought. “I didn't want to push you, I thought you'd tell me when you were ready, it doesn't mean I don’t want to know. Tell me something good, Jen. What made you happy before?”

Jared was fighting with everything he had to try and distract Jensen, he was filled with a terrible sense of panic at the thought that Jensen was trying to push him away; could feel the tension that was still thrumming under the older boy's skin.

“I don't know . . . music I guess, I always loved music. singing in church or just to myself, I . . . I play guitar to the younger kids and I make up little songs for them.”  
“I didn't think you were allowed music.”  
“Not secular music no but worship songs are okay, I like being able to make tunes out of nothing and know God hears my prayers through the notes.”

“Was that you playing guitar when I was at the church that time?” A slight nod in response, “But that was beautiful, will you play for me sometime?”  
“I guess so, maybe.” But Jared could hear the uncertainty in his voice and it made him want to cry. He could feel Jensen pulling away again, emotionally as well as physically.

“This . . . it isn't right, I just don't know if I have the energy to do this any more. “ He took a deep breath and then turned to look at Jared. “No, I just can't Jared. I need to stop seeing you, the closer we get the harder it is for me to go home.” 

The anguish was so obvious in his voice, it was upsetting him as much to him to say it as it was for Jared to hear it. “I want to do things with you, be with you all the time and I can't, I just can't.”  
“Let me help you, Jensen. We can do this together,” he pleaded, would have got down on his knees and downright begged if he had to. It was breaking his heart to see the hopelessness in Jensen's eyes.  
“Please Jared, try and understand, you're the most amazing person I’ve ever met but it's just impossible.” 

Jared felt paralysed, he wanted to drag Jensen back into his arms and physically prevent him from leaving but he felt unable to move. Jensen was so pale his freckles were standing out in stark relief and Jared was mesmerised by them. He was aware of tears beginning to roll down his cheeks but couldn't even bring up a hand to dash them away.  
Jensen picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, watching Jared who was silent for once, still staring at him in shock. 

“Please, Jay, don't make this any harder.” Jared grabbed his hand and Jensen struggled to free himself, “Jay please.” He begged, his voice rising in near panic. “You've got to let me go, I cant leave, think what it would do to Maggie, I cant leave her there alone and I cant . . . just believe that I need to go back to the church and my life now. You need to move on, find someone you can have a proper relationship with.”

“Jensen no, don’t do this to me please,” Jared was really sobbing now, he couldn't bear it, couldn't lose Jensen now after what they had faced to get to this point. He could see Jensen steeling his resolve, his face frozen and blank as though the time between them counted for nothing.  
“Good bye Jared, thank you for all you tried to do for me.” And he gently peeled Jared's fingers from his hand and turned away, slowly turning the door handle to leave.

 

“No! You do not get to do this!” Jared's voice was suddenly confident determined, where before he had been gentle and hopeless. “There are two of us in this relationship, and its not down to you to end it because you’re scared.” 

Jensen didn't tun around but he remained rooted to the spot his heart hammering in his chest. He felt sick and pain was blooming behind his eyes in a way he hadn't felt in all the weeks he'd been friends with Jared.

Despite his distress Jared was so gentle as he turned Jensen to face him with a firm hand on his shoulder then put a hand either side of Jensen’s face, forcing him to make eye contact. “Jen, I love you, don't throw that away. We just have to trust and keeping taking everything one step at a time. Please don’t give up just because you’re scared.”

Jensen could feel himself weakening, love, was that what he felt for Jared? Whatever it was he was totally petrified, when he sat next to the other boy he wanted to touch him, wanted to do all those dirty, bad. wrong things that his father said would doom him to hell. But it was so much more than that, he loved just holding Jared's hand, the feeling now of Jay's hands bracketing his face was amazing, making him feel safe and cherished as never before. 

Abruptly he slumped forward, practically flopping into Jared's arms, he could no more walk away from this than fly. He pressed his face into Jared's shoulder, inhaling the clean musky scent of him and wondered how he had ever believed he could walk away from this.

“Hey, I've got you, its okay.” Jared soothed him, holding him close and Jensen put his arms round Jared and held on for dear life. Rocking together, not sure in the end who was soothing who as Jensen used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that still beaded Jared's eyelashes.

“Freak out over?” Jared's tone was light and teasing but his face still bore the tension and anxiety that Jensen's outburst had caused. Jensen drew in a deep breath, “I don't know,” he answered honestly. “I'm bloody terrified actually.”  
Jared let out a shaky laugh, “Yeah, me too.” He wiped his hand back across his eyes, still blinking back tears. 

There was a gentle tap at the door and Jared managed a shaky “come in.”  
It was Misha who smiled apologetically, although he came firmly into the room. He somehow managed to be calming and yet still intensely alert at the same time. Those usually sleepy blue eyes were taking in everything from Jared's tears to the tic still nervously working in the corner of Jensen's eye.  
“Everything okay? Angel was concerned because she heard raised voices.”

“Yeah, we're cool, Mish. We just had some issues we needed to get through but we were only being a bit emotional, nothing else.” Jared asserted but Jensen hated the feeling of Misha's eyes on him, seeing them like this so upset and dishevelled. He flushed and muttered “I'm sorry,” the thought that he might have upset Angel disturbed him too. He had expected Misha to leave them then but the older man shut the door behind him and came in. He sat on the bed, patting the covers beside him, “Come here both of you.”

Obediently Jared went and Jensen found that his friend was clutching his hand so tight that Jensen had no option but to follow. Jared pressed in close to Misha and Jensen was aware again of how tactile his friend was, how he sought comfort through touch as he had done since their first proper meeting.

Jensen was still breathing heavily; although dry eyed he was actually as wound up about this as Jared was. He was just better used to hiding it.

“Guys, is everything all right between you two?” Misha asked and Jensen felt another piece of his wall crumble when he realised that Misha was as concerned about him as he was about Jared. Still it was hard for him to answer. Jensen swallowed nervously and looked at Jared to speak for them both. “Yeah, we're cool.”  
But Jensen suddenly felt compelled to tell Misha the truth, even though the older man scared him a little it was because he was so intense and disarming, not because Jensen felt he was any sort of a threat. It actually felt good knowing that the adults in this special household cared about him too.

“I'm scared,” he admitted, “I don't think I'm enough for Jared and it's not fair to ask him to deal with all my hang ups and issues.” Misha nodded sympathetically and Jared drew him closer against his side. “And that’s not even taking into account the fact that I have to lie about him to my family. Or that being with him goes against everything I ever believed.” He stopped speaking and dropped his eyes to the floor. 

Jared squeezed his hand. “Oh Jen. Don't you see how far you've come?”  
Misha nodded,”It is hard,” he agreed, “but don’t you think any relationship is hard? That we all have to negotiate our way through the minefields of other peoples problems?”  
“I guess.” Jensen's admission was almost voiceless, as though he'd exhausted himself in getting to this point.  
“Well then”, Misha pressed on. “Reverse the situations, if it was Jared who needed you, say he got sick or had an accident what would you do?”  
“Whatever he needed me to,” Jensen replied promptly.

“Exactly.” Misha smiled. “ You two are good together, just keep talking it through and you'll be fine.”  
“But I see Chris and Steve together and they're so . . . physical and . . .I can't give Jared that.”  
Misha nodded his understanding. “For what it's worth I think your relationship will be far stronger because you haven't just leapt straight into bed together.”  
Jensen felt his cheeks flame with embarrassment.  
“Angel and I were just friends for years before we got together and that’s seen us through more than you can imagine.” He stood up, and ruffled Jared’s hair. “Good talk boys. Do me a favour, Jay, go out for a minute and show Angel you're okay, You know how she gets over things like this.” Jared nodded looking hesitantly at Jensen but then stood up and left.

Jensen could feel his eyes widening in alarm, he was terrified suddenly that Misha would be angry with him for upsetting Jared. “I'm sorry,” he stammered, his instant unthinking reaction to shoulder the blame.  
“It's okay, kiddo. You're not in the wrong here;” Misha's tone was soothing “there are just a couple of things I think you need to hear that I prefer not to say to Jared.”  
Jensen tried to steady himself but he could still feel his muscles were rigid from fear, the pain throbbing behind his eyes that somehow receded when he had Jared beside him.

“Jared and Angel didn't have a very good start, they were both abused and someone they loved ended up dead.” Misha started.  
Jensen nodded, “I know.”  
Misha quirked an eyebrow, “You do? Well then, he's already told you far more than he's told anyone else. Jensen, I met Angel just a few months after it all happened but I waited five years for her to be ready to be anything more than friends.” he waited a moment watching Jensen assimilate what he'd been told. “Relationships aren't ever easy but I thought Angel was worth the wait and I know Jared thinks the same about you.”  
Jensen felt his skin flush at the thought and dipped his head in acknowledgement, reassured by the other man's words.  
Misha clasped his shoulder and Jensen was secure enough now to to flinch away from the touch.  
“Don't ever do anything you're not ready for just because you think you have to. Okay? You'll know when the time is right.” 

As he stood up Jared returned cuddling Seraph over his shoulder.  
“Your ladies want you,” he grinned. “I'm gonna stick Sepphy in the car to get her to sleep when I drive Jen home so you can get a break with them. Isis wants and I quote, proper grown up time. They're heading down to the ritual room and if you're not there in 30 seconds they're gonna start without you!”

Misha laughed, “My work is never done,” he grinned so cheerfully that Jensen couldn't help but smile back, even more so when Jared unceremoniously dumped the baby in his lap. He let her grip his thumb and pressed a kiss to the soft silken hair on the top of her head. 

They spent the rest of the evening quietly, worn out by the emotional intensity of their altercation. The three of them cuddled together on the bed, listening to the soft country rock music that was soothing to them all.

 

Jensen lay awake long into the night, he was still scared about whether or not he could cope with having a relationship but talking to Misha had reassured him somewhat. He was still afraid that he wasn't good enough for Jared, that there would be too much pain and heartbreak down the line for them both if he kept going with this. And yet, it was starting to seem to him that at least if he was hurting he knew he was alive, and that had to be better than going back to the way he had been before. Feeling nothing and just drifting through his life on auto pilot. 

Jared was so much larger than life, had shown Jensen how to think again and how to feel. Even food tasted better when they were together. Jensen knew he could no more stay away from him than a moth from a flame. 

 

Jensen had grown more and more relaxed around Jared's family to the point now where he actively enjoyed spending time with all of them. He was still quiet when Steve and Chris were there but he was happy to enjoy their company now. They were celebrating Chris's birthday with a takeaway, a concept that was completely new to Jensen. As guest of honour Chris had opted for Chinese and the food was yet another revelation to Jensen, varied and satisfying in the wide array of dishes that had been chosen.

Jared kept trying to feed him too, sharing morsels of the rich spicy food from chopsticks which Jensen had mastered surprisingly quickly. He had been afraid that he would embarrass himself by being the only one to use a fork but he found the wooden implements easier to use than he'd expected.

He'd never been with an openly gay couple before, it had never even occurred to him when he first met Chris that he wasn't anything but straight. He couldn't help watching them when he thought no one was looking, they were so natural and loving together, despite the age difference, Steve was always respectful, though, and Chris followed his lead, although it was obvious that the younger man had a wilder side to his nature.

Steve chatted happily to his sister and held his niece on her lap while Jared and Chris clowned around. After they'd eaten Angel insisted they leave the clearing up until later, and they moved to the couches to continue chatting. Misha took the baby into the bedroom to bath her and get her ready for bed. Jensen cuddled in close to Jared, fingers twined together as Steve got out his guitar. It was the first time he'd ever felt able to publicly display his affection for Jared, Jay pressed a kiss to the top of Jensen’s head and Chris looked over with a smile.

Steve started to sing softly, his voice low and soft, he picked out the tune on his guitar. Next to him Chris set up a soft drum rhythm on his knees, and quietly began to join in the tune.

“In the cold of the evening, they used to gather.  
Neath the stars in the meadow, circled near the old oak tree.  
At the times appointed.. by the seasons..  
of the earth, and the phases of the moon.  
In the centre, often stood a woman,  
equal with the others, respected for her worth.

One of the many.. we call the witches,  
the healers, the teachers, of the wisdom of the earth.  
And the people grew in the knowledge she gave them,  
herbs to heal their bodies, spells to make their spirits whole.  
Hear them chanting healing incantations,  
calling for the wise ones, celebrating in dance and song...”

The sound was beautiful, soft waves flowing over him and he could almost weep for the loss of his own music, that he had never dared to learn to use his talent properly. He could feel his fingers almost twitching along as they picked at imaginary guitar strings, he was filled with a longing to be part of this. It had never occurred to him before that his music was something else that he could share with his new friends.

“...Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali... Inanna...” 

Isis joined in the harmonies for the chorus, her voice pure and clear and a fresh wave of goosebumps broke across Jensen's skin. He reached out blindly and Jared gripped his hand, Jensen squeezed back, he was still learning to ground himself and he found it easier to do if he was able to hold on to Jared like this.

“There were those that came to power, through domination.  
They were bonded in their worship of a dead man on a cross.  
They sought control of the common people,  
by demanding allegiance to the church of Rome.  
And the Pope, he commenced the inquisition,  
As a war against the women, whose powers they feared.”

And now he could feel the tears beginning to slide down his face, he had struggled so hard to find the true core of his faith, the God of love that he believed in was so far removed from the God whose name was used to do these terrible things. Although, he had to admit, it was pretty close to his father's version of God.

“In this holocaust, in this age of evil,  
Nine million European women, they died.  
And the tale is told, of those who by the hundreds,  
holding hands together, chose their deaths in the sea.  
While chanting the praises of the Mother Goddess,  
a refusal of betrayal, women were dying to be free.”

And almost without realising what he was doing Jensen added his voice to the others in the softly chanted chorus.

“Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali . . . Inanna . . .“

“Now the earth is a witch, and we still burn her.  
Stripping her down with mining, and the poison of our wars.  
Still to us, the earth is a healer, a teacher, and a mother.  
A weaver of a web of light, that keeps us all alive.  
She gives us the vision to see through the chaos.  
She gives us the courage, it is our will to survive.”

As the last chords died away he was suddenly aware of Jared's eyes on him, his boyfriends gaze steady and full of awe.

“Jen, that was beautiful, I didn't know you could sing like that!”  
Jensen felt the flames rise in his face and he ducked his head shyly,  
“I have to leave,” he stood up hurriedly, it was getting too intense and he needed time to process it. Jared tried to pull him back but it was mostly reflex and as Jensen insistently pulled his hand away Jared stood up too, his face stricken. 

“Shall I walk home with you?” he offered instantly.  
“It's fine,” Jensen said his goodbyes and was about to leave when he realised that Jay was following him down the stairs. He turned and smiled, Jay's concern made him feel so loved, more than anything ever had before.  
“I'm fine, I promise. I . . .I'm just not used to doing anything like this, your family . . . friends; it's wonderful and warm and supportive but it's still totally alien to the way I've lived for nearly twenty years. Just let me get used to it in my own time, yeah?”  
Jared nodded but still looked troubled, Jensen reached out and stroked softly down the side of Jay's face, punctuating it with a little press to the tiny mole at the side of Jared's mouth.  
“We'll walk together in the morning, okay? Please go back now, I'd like to think about you being happy with them. I don’t want you to be out alone in the dark to come home.”

Jared accepted with a dip of his head, he pressed a swift kiss to the corner of Jensen's eye and then stood on the stairs to watch until Jensen was out of sight.

 

Jensen tried really hard to be open to experiencing as much of Jared's life as possible, however sceptical he was sometimes he wanted so much to understand how Jared felt. It was so foreign to the way Jensen had been brought up, to be so deeply spiritual and yet so outside the acceptable guidelines of faith.

He particularly enjoyed the healing circle, it's gentle and quiet simplicity resonated with him and he tried to have “study plans” with Jared to coincide with the weekly sessions. This week though, that just hadn't been possible, the only night he was able to get away was the shamanic drumming group. 

It was overly loud and he was finding it really hard to focus, the noise of the drums seemed to work their way inside his skin making him feel itchy and uncomfortable. Even Jared looked like something 'other' all of a sudden, finding a freedom and a wildness in the music that Jensen didn't think he himself would ever find possible. There was a woman leading the group, one he had never met before and she was fierce and strong in her focus, Jensen could sense her power and was more than a little awed and unnerved by it.

She talked about journeying and wanted them to go on a vision quest, a journey to their own centres to connect with their power animals. He tried to ground himself firmly the way he'd been working on with Jared but as she drummed and chanted he could feel himself spiralling down the tunnel and he was afraid to be out of control. He forced his eyes open and stood up quietly. He had to get out of there. 

He wasn't ready to go home yet though and he knew that Jared would worry about him if he did so Jensen headed up the stairs. He would make himself a drink and sit quietly in the kitchen, or maybe one of the others would be up there to talk to.

Angel was sitting at the big round table with her boxes of beads spread round her and actually Jensen was glad to see her. After spending so much time alone he was growing used to company and Jared's family were very easy to be around. “Hiya sweetie, is everything okay?” She asked with a warm smile that reminded him very much of Jared's.

“Yeah, it was the drumming it was too . . . “ he searched to find the right word “intense. I couldn't think with all the noise and I . . . I didn't want to get lost in it.”  
“I can imagine,” she nodded, “I love Sarah-may to bits but intense is the perfect word for her. Do you want to get a drink, I'll make it if you wait but I'm at the tricky bit, my circles go wonky if I stop now.”  
Jensen looked over to see what she was doing and saw that she was making another one of the pendants like the one Jared had given him, she'd only just started and was stitching tiny black beads around a dark green crystal. 

He put the kettle on and rummaged though the cupboard for mugs, he found himself permanently making comparisons when he was here, judging his life at home against things here and somehow they always came up lacking. All the china mugs at home were stark white and matching but the things here were a hodgepodge, some were gifts, some had slogans that had caught someone’s eye, a few were made by Jared in a brief flirtation with pottery. That was what Jensen was looking for now, he loved the slightly over sized mugs with their rainbows tones, coloured glaze dripped like melted wax over the surface. 

“Any suggestions?” he asked with a smile, it had never occurred to him to drink anything other than straight tea before but he enjoyed the wide array that was always on offer here, although it had to be said that some things were more palatable than others.

“I'm drinking the one on the counter there, its chamomile and red berries, it's really good with honey in.” Jensen took her mug and rinsed it before putting two of the suggested tea bags to brew in a pot for them. As he waited for the kettle to boil he turned the chunky mug he'd chosen in his hand, the shiny glaze sparkled as it caught the light. It was a good feeling to think of Jared creating this, the big hands that could have been clumsy but were actually deft and tender, capable of creating such beautiful things. 

He sipped his drink slowly as he watched Angel work, she was so delicate and quick as she used the tiny needle to scoop up beads and build up her design. Concentric circles of red and yellow surrounded by more of the tiny black beads.  
I love the one Jared gave me, he offered softly, I keep it in my wallet all the time.  
“He made it himself you know,” she replied with a smile, “he doesn't usually have the patience for beads but he spent hours on it.”  
Jensen smiled shyly, it warmed him to think that even back then Jared had thought he was special enough to spend the time making something just for him.

“You're good for him too, Jensen. I'm really glad you two are friends.”  
Jensen started, he had been lost in his musings for a moment. “Am I? I mean hope so,” he offered, it was more than he would have dared think, just a few short weeks ago but he was still more than a little convinced that he seemed to be getting all of the benefits out of this relationship.

“You are,” Angel insisted, “Jared and I, well . . . we're closer than a lot of parents and their children and I'm grateful for that, he's so much more precious because of what we went through together.”  
“I'm so sorry,” Jensen could see the heartbreak on her face, she hid it so well most of the time but she was looking open and vulnerable now, he wanted to reach out and hug her as if she was Jared. He couldn't quite bring himself to do that yet though so he settled for putting his hand on her arm and she patted it gently.

“You see, that is exactly why you're such a good match for him, you're so gentle and empathic. His last couple of partners were both lovely, he's too good not to attract lovely people but they were too peppy, they didn’t have your sweetness.”

“I don't know about that,” Jensen had set him mug down and was idly stirring a pot of tiny glass beads with his finger, the little crystals moved like water, cool and sparkling. Everything here seemed to catch the light somehow, sometimes dazzling, sometimes refreshing but always exciting and different. Even the fact that he was sat here and had initiated a conversation was something new, in any other setting he would have been terrified but here he was relaxed and comfortable.

“Before I met Jared I was like an iceberg,” he admitted. “I didn't really relate to anyone . . . I let Maggie down badly.”  
“I know what it's like though,;” Angel agreed. “You have to put up walls to shut out the pain but in the process you shut out everything.”  
Jensen was overcome by the thought that someone else actually understood how he felt, “that's it exactly.”  
And they just looked at each other for a moment, each lost in thoughts and memories.

“I'm trying so hard to make up for it now but it's so difficult, especially when my . . . when Alan might get angry if we spend too much time together at home.”  
“I'm glad you're letting us in now,” Angel's voice was soft and sad, “please, if there's anything we can do, let us help you.”  
Jensen was too choked to speak but he nodded in agreement.  
Angel put down her bead work and took both his hands in hers, “You are so strong and so special, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, Maggie is so lucky to have you for her big brother.” 

She leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek, tilting forward until her forehead was resting against his and they stayed there together for a few minutes. Jensen found it soothing to know how deeply she understood how he was feeling, even if he was still a long way from being able to ask for the help she was offering.

“Are you two having a moment? Should I leave?” Misha had appeared through from the sitting room without making a sound and at his words Jensen startled backwards, afraid that he might have done something wrong in being close to Angel like this.  
“It's okay, Jensen, it's fine,” she soothed. “He's just being a dick, you get used to it,” Angel said wryly, but she leaned up for a kiss as Misha passed, obviously not bearing any animosity despite her words. It was still difficult for Jensen to work out when they were teasing sometimes, in his house insults were always meant to wound, not in the teasing manner they were used here.

In Misha's arms Sepphy was fussing a little and to Jensen's surprise as soon as she saw him she reached out her arms to him. It made him feel more than a little choked again, just gone eight months old the baby was changing almost daily at the moment, making her choices and preferences known. Her obvious choosing of him made him feel special, made him realise that what Angel was saying was true. Maybe he could be the brother that Maggie deserved after all.

Misha handed her over with a smile and Jensen took her happily, holding her in front of him so he could watch her responses as he chatted to her.  
“Hey princess, baby girls should be asleep now, you know. I've missed you this week, I've had to go to work lots. I think you grew again, yeah?” She stared at him intently as though she was hanging on every word, her blue eyes as dark and intense as Misha's. She briefly put her head down to press into Jensen's neck then sat up again, knuckling her little fists into her eyes. He stroked his hand gently over her silky hair. “You're sleepy aren't you, sweetheart?” 

He shifted her in his arms until she was settled more comfortably and she nestled in, he took the little quilt that Misha offered him and snuggled it round her as he returned to sit at the table. Misha went to put the kettle on again and Jensen rocked the baby gently only half listening to the banter between Misha and Angel as she accused him of permanently trying to feed everyone.  
“I need to go on a diet,” she admonished lightly and Misha chuckled, “You do not! you’re totally perfect just the way you are!” He gave her a wicked leer and winked at Jensen, “I'll help you exercise it off if you're really worried,” he teased. She stood up and wrapped her arms round Misha's waist, standing on tiptoes to kiss the back of his neck, leaving Jensen to settle the baby in peace. 

By the time Misha brought the drinks and a plate of oatmeal cookies to the table the baby was sound asleep.

As always having the other man there unnerved Jensen a little, he was glad to be holding onto the little warm bundle in his arms, she kept him grounded in much the same way as Jared did. He could feel the intensity of the other man's gaze and knew that those knowing blue eyes were staring at him without even having to look up. He did look up though, he was trying so hard these days to try and make eye contact, it was easy with some people, like Angel and Jared, others were more of a challenge.

“I'm glad you decided to come up,” Angel said, “It would have been difficult for Jay if you'd gone straight home, he worries too much about you.”  
Jensen could feel the blush heating his skin, he obviously hadn't come on as much as he thought, it didn't take much to send him back to the blushing, stammering wreck he really was.

“Hey,” Misha put his hand on Jensen's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, he obviously meant to be comforting but Jensen just found it threatening, more than a little overwhelming and he could feel that he was reacting the same way as Maggie did, going rigid under the touch. Misha withdrew his hand instantly, “It's okay, Jensen. You're safe here,” his voice was calm and soothing and Jensen took a deep breath, trying to will himself to relax again.

“I'm . . . sorry, Misha, it's okay, honestly. I . . . I'm . . . sorry.” he couldn't find the words, somehow it was so much harder to talk to the older man than it had been to talk to Angel, maybe because Angel was Jared's mom or maybe it was simpler than that, maybe it was just that she was a woman. It was stupid to be afraid of Misha, Jensen was actually taller than him but then he was taller than his Dad too and half of the church elders and they all still scared the hell out of him.

“It's your body, Jensen.” Misha reassured, “Never be ashamed or embarrassed by how you react.” 

Jensen breathed deep again, pressing his face close to Sepphy's head, feeling the delicate silk of her fine dark hair against his lips. She always smelt so good, of milk and chamomile shampoo and baby powder. He knew he was zoning out again, retreating to the safe space inside his head, he knew he was safe in this place, he didn't need to hide away but it was so hard sometimes even here to try and cope with the barrage of thoughts and feelings he'd been opened up to.

Misha and Angel both seemed to sense that he needed the space and they talked quietly of other things; what needed ordering for the shop and a new course that she wanted to run. It was soothing to listen to their chatter even though it was yet another comparison for him to make. Misha was so supportive and enthusiastic as he responded to Angel's ideas, he didn't think he had ever heard his parents talk like that. His father dictated and his mother obeyed. He suddenly realised what a mystery she was, he always lumped her together with his father but actually, the more he thought about it the more he was coming to see that she was just silent and withdrawn, very like Jensen himself. He shivered at the thought that he didn't really know what went on behind the closed doors of their bedroom, just because he preferred to punish Jensen himself in front of the whole family didn't mean his mom didn't get punished too. He found himself offering up a silent prayer that she was alright, that Alan didn't hurt her too.

Warm arms snaked around him, hugging him tight and bringing him back with a relieved smile, Jared's breath tickled hot against his ear, “You okay?”  
“Yeah, just got a bit too loud and it overwhelmed me, I'm not very good with loud.” It was close enough to the truth to serve for the moment, he would talk more with Jared about why it had been impossible for him to stay another time when they were alone. For now he was happy to spend the remainder of his time before Josh came to pick him up, leaning against Jared, feeling the faint thrill sing through his blood as Jared's hand rested on Jensen's thigh. Gently handing the baby back to Isis he enjoyed the precious moments of peace and security as he listened to the gentle ebb and flow of the conversation that was going on around him. 

 

Behind the library was a small grassy area, only big enough for a few bushes and a single bench, it was overlooked by the teachers lounge and was therefore unpopular with the students. For Jared and Jensen it had become their go to place to hang out; it was about the only place on campus that Jensen felt safe to be alone with Jared, without fear of being seen by Reuben or Michael or the couple of other students who also attended the church. They often ate their lunch there or spent time before class. Jared tried to encourage Jensen to be outside with him as often as possible and already he somehow looked healthier and stronger.

Jared lay out on the grass, his head comfortably cushioned on Jensen's lap, his hands gesticulating wildly when he tried to emphasise what he was was saying. Jensen loved to watch him, the passionate enthusiasm was catching. He was trying to explain his polyglot of faiths to Jensen. Jensen who was so indoctrinated in his monotheistic view found it hard to comprehend sometimes, how Jared could be as likely to pray to God or a goddess or call on tribal spirits. 

The patchwork of faiths was intriguing though, over the past weeks Jensen had been struggling to come to terms with his faith, with the true core of his beliefs as opposed to the man made rules and religion that he had been force fed for so long. Jared's faith was rooted in love and respect for the planet and everything on it and when he talked with such passion it made something resonate deep in Jensen’s soul.

“My mom started looking for a new path once we were alone, she joined a healing circle and that’s where she met Misha, it was awesome, I loved it. I was only little but something just clicked into place for me. As I got older I understood more and its why I know I feel happy to tie it in with my Christianity that was the belief system I was brought up with; because its so much tied in with love and respect for the earth and each other. If we truly love God and his creation we need to treat her with the love she deserves.”

“Okay,” Jensen knew he was playing devil's advocate but he liked hearing Jay talk, could listen to him all day. And he still struggled sometimes to put his feelings into words and listening to Jared helped him to do that. “Well then, what about all the genocides over the world? Many of them are done in the name of God or Allah. How does that fit in? Even here in America with what was done to the native peoples.”  
“I know,” Jared nodded vigorously, “Christians caused the biggest genocide in the human history ever, when Columbus arrived in America, the Spanish missionaries forcing Indians to accept God“  
“Exactly,” Jensen was idly fiddling with Jared's hair, twirling a strand of it between his fingers. “That's why I'm kinda sceptical when it comes to combinations of religions. How can it be blended together unless one or the other side makes compromises? How can you say you follow shamanic pathways and teachings when you also subscribe to the religion that tried to eradicate them?”

“It's true, I know it's hard to get your head around,” Jared's face was so animated when he talked. His dimples moving and his eyes bright, Jensen couldn't help but touch his finger to the corner of Jay's mouth. Jay grinned but kept going with his discourse. “And I follow Wiccan principles too and millions of women were burned at the stake or crushed to death as witches by so called Christians – yet God and especially Jesus only advocated love and forgiveness.” He caught hold of Jensen's hand, threading their fingers together carefully. “We all have to try and learn from our ancestors mistakes and move forward, yeah? It's only by breaking down the barriers between all religions and accepting ourselves as spiritual beings can we find true healing for ourselves and this planet.”

“It's kind of scary how much sense this all makes,” Jensen admitted, “and sometime it is hard to put it all together but it feels good to think properly again. I can't even remember when I stopped questioning it all and started just drifting.”  
“Yeah,” Jared said slowly, “but the important thing is you didn't let it damage your soul.” Jensen gave a sad little smile.  
“Hey, it's true,” Jared insisted. “You didn't take it on board to the extent where you truly believed it all. Deep inside, down where it counts you knew it wasn't true, you just chose to shut down and blank it all out.”  
Jensen nodded, “I guess, but maybe it was the cowards way out?” He was feeling more and more guilty about his behaviour lately, particularly the way it had impacted on Maggie. “I could have questioned it,” he persisted. “I could have stood up for what I believed in. I didn't have to be so . . . passive.” 

Jared sat up, and took Jensen's hand, he turned it facing palm up and though there were no fresh marks on it today it was still scarred, criss crossed over and over with the red, raised lines of frequent punishment. He held it there until Jensen couldn't bear the sight any longer and closed his eyes.

“You did what you needed to do to survive. That’s a sign of strength, not weakness.”  
And he pressed a gentle kiss into Jensen’s palm, Jensen shivered, Jared's lips brushing against the sensitive skin made stars burst inside his eyelids. 

Feeling's, sensations he'd never experienced before, never allowed himself to experience before were starting to rise inside him. He wondered when he would be able to take this thing with Jared to the next level and the thought that would once have been terrifying was now more than a little exciting.

 

“what have you been doing?” His fathers voice hissing in his ear jolted Jensen awake, and he rocketed upright. Startled, he blinked in confusion and the older man practically tore him from the bed. His heart thudding and fighting back a wave of nausea, Jensen stumbled after his father blindly, he hadn't had time to put his glasses on and the world was blurred and dim. It was still dark outside although the light made him think it was almost dawn. His brain raced as it flooded with adrenalin, had his father heard about where Jared lived or that Jensen had been there? What else was there that could have made him this angry?

“I can see the evil on you, the stench of sin is so thick you reek of it.” Alan rasped out.  
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” Jensen's response was automatic.  
“Tell me what you've been doing, you have to confess it or you'll burn.”  
“I don't know, I don't know, please, sir.” Jensen begged, he'd learned young the more servile he acted the faster his Dad got it over with.

He knew he'd done wrong, the list of what his father deemed sins was so huge, lying to him and spending so much time away from the church was high on the list of misdemeanour’s he was sure, let alone everything else he and Jared had been doing together.  
Still Jensen felt a tiny rebellious seed in the pit of his stomach, Jared was his! And Jared was good and clean and special, he wasn’t going to confess a single thing to Alan about him. 

“Now boy!” Alan's eyes narrowed, and Jensen fixed his gaze firmly on the floor, he didn't want to do anything that might antagonise him further. “I knew letting you go to college was a mistake!” Alan spat. “You're tainted now by the worldliness of the place.”

There was something dark and malevolent about Alan this morning and Jensen wondered how he had never noticed it before. He suddenly knew with startling clarity that this was no punishment, this wasn’t about helping him to be good, this was about some twisted need of his father's to hurt him, to make him pay.

“Tell me what you did,” Alan said again, reaching for the cane without letting go of Jensen's arm which he gripped so tightly it had to be bruising.  
“Nothing . . . I . . . I don't know, I'm sorry.” Jensen knew with startling clarity that nothing he said would make a difference. Alan wanted to hurt him, this wasn't about any sort of life lesson, this was the older man needing to make someone cry and bleed.

Jensen held out his hand and couldn't believe how steady it was, he turned it palm up, “I'm really sorry, Dad. I'll do better to stay away from worldly influences.” It was impossible not to wish himself numb again and yet . . . and yet, if being numb meant being without Jared then he would rather take the pain.  
“No,” Alan hissed, face flushed with anger. “You're too steeped in evil, its obvious that lesson isn't working. Take off your shirt.” Jensen hurried to obey and he was trembling now, his hands shaking almost too much to take his T-shirt off. Impatiently Alan gripped the collar, tearing it off him and wrenching Jensen’s shoulder in the process. Jensen was holding himself still and silent, taking the path of least resistance, hoping and praying that whatever he did wouldn't antagonise his father worse.

Brace your hands against the wall,” Alan instructed and Jensen did as he was told, praying with all his heart that this would be over soon. The first stripe wasn't too bad although it took his breath away, it wasn’t the first time his father had beaten him like this and he just prayed it would be over soon. The second lined his back with flame and the third made his skin split with it's force. By the sixth he was weeping but he knew better than to beg his father to stop.

The tears were enough to satisfy his father though and Alan stood back, “On your knees,” and gratefully Jensen sank to the floor. The feeling of his father's hand on his head somehow sickened Jensen even more than what had gone before.

“Dear Lord, poor out your cleansing spirit on this poor doomed child. Help him remember that only through you can he . . .”

Jensen tuned out his father's voice, no, not his father. Fathers were meant to be loving and kind and supportive, the way Misha was with Jared and Sepphy, not this; zealous and cruel and cold. He would just be Alan to Jensen from now on, the man had lost the right to be considered a father. When Alan finally ground to a halt he sent Jensen to his room, banning him from college for the day, suggesting that he spend the day in prayer.

He was grateful actually, he wanted nothing more than to hide away until the terrible throb and burn in his back subsided. As soon as he heard his father leave he headed for a shower, standing for as long as he dared under a cool gentle spray. He didn't dare disobey his f. . . Alan's edict to stay away from classes today so he spent the morning laying face down on his bed trying to study but his thoughts kept turning to Jared and he found it hard to concentrate.

He was half asleep when he heard a gentle knock on the door before his Mother came into the room. Jensen sat up quickly, flustered by such an unusual event. He grabbed a shirt and quickly pulled it over his head as he leapt up from the bed. Maggie's little face peered round from behind their mom, eyes scared and full of concern and that was even more unusual. “I'm okay, princess,” he reassured, forgetting for a moment that he shouldn't use terms of endearment in this place. 

Donna hesitated in the door way, emotions that Jensen couldn't begin to fathom flitting across her face. “I . . . I wish he . . .” She swallowed, her face hardening, becoming emotionless once more. “Jensen I have to go to an Elders wives group this afternoon. Would you be able to take Margaret along to your friends if you have a study session later?”

Jensen nodded dumbly, glad of the offered escape, he didn't want to be in the house when Alan got back from work, didn't think he would be able to even look at the other man now.

“Good, come and have some lunch now,” Donna suggested And Jensen was happy to go with her, relief at the thought of seeing Jared again soon making his pain easier to bare.

 

As soon as they left Maggie clutched Jensen's hand, “He hurt you, I heard him, why did he do that?” tears prickled in her eyes and despite the pain it caused Jensen swung her up into his arms. “I don't know, he thought I'd done something bad, maybe.”

“No!” she said determinedly, “You couldn't be bad, I’m gonna tell him he's wrong!”  
“Sweetheart, no, please, promise me. Don't say anything that will make him crosser, I'm okay, I swear, just please, Maggie, promise?”  
She'd glared fiercely at him before giving a little sigh, “Okay, Jen, I promise. But I know, okay? I know that you're good.”

And her words brought a lump to his throat, he put his arms around her and hugged her tight.

When they got to the store Angel was unpacking a delivery of scarves and sarongs, the beautifully printed fabric embellished with beads and sparkling sequins that she loved. Her face lit up when she saw Maggie and the child ran to help, within minutes she was swathed in the gauzy materials, twirling round, enchanted by the warmth of her welcome and the chance to dress up.

Jensen found his heart was in his throat as he walked upstairs, dreading his friends reaction. “Sorry Jay, I wasn't feeling too good today,” he apologised softly as he entered the apartment. He had hated the thought that he was letting his friend down by not being in class to work on their project together but Jared seemed to be as pleased to see him as always and it made Jensen feel better just to be in this safe and healing place. 

He took Sepphy from his friend and cuddled into her neck, loving the warm sleepy smell of her. Already the mornings events seemed to fade and take on less significance. Jared made drinks and they took them through to Jared's room, Jensen knew he was being even quieter than usual but he was trying to sort out in his head how he was going to tell Jared what had happened. Jared seemed to sense his need for quiet and for once didn't even put any music on.

Jensen sipped his drink slowly with Sepphy draped across his lap, he rubbed gentle circles onto her back as she dozed with her small fist in her mouth.  
When the baby was asleep he carefully laid her on to the bed and stood up, Jared had been playing with his sketch book, drawing sparse little portraits using minimal lines but he put it down as soon as Jensen moved. 

“Jay, I need to show you something and you need to be really calm about it. I know we said no secrets between us and I need to tell you but I can't handle it if you overreact.”  
Jared nodded, concern obvious in his face. “I'll try,” he promised. “are you okay?”

Hesitantly Jensen pulled his Tee shirt over his head and turned his back so that Jared could see the damage for himself, glad he wouldn't be able to see his friend's reaction to the fresh marks that criss crossed it.

Instantly Jared was off the bed, surging up behind him, wrapping him up in a protective embrace. He didn't know how long they stood there, Jared just holding him as Jensen melted slowly back into the hug. He had never had anyone to share his pain with before, no one to hold him like this. Jared's breath was warm against his shoulder and he could feel goosebumps raising across his skin. Suddenly he wanted more and he tried to fight the urge but it swelled within him demanding to be let out. He turned in Jared's arms and his hands came up almost of their own volition to tangle into Jared's hair, pulling him closer, closing the gap and Jared gave a little moan and then they were kissing.

Clashing and uncoordinated at first but it was so slow and tender that it didn't matter. Jensen felt a sudden rush of power at the effect he was having on Jared as the other man's eyes closed and he rocked back a little. Jensen reeled him back in, placing delicate, trembling kisses along the line of his jaw and down the strong, perfect column of his throat. 

“God Jensen,” Jared groaned, “please, please.” And he tugged Jensen closer in again to find his mouth. Jensen could get utterly lost in the perfection of being kissed by Jared and it seemed like Jared didn’t seem to want to stop any time soon either. Jensen was shivering but he knew he wasn't cold, he felt consumed by the heat that was radiating from Jared's body. Just as it was becoming too much, too overwhelming Jared relented, gently pulling away with one final soft kiss pressed to the corner of Jensen's mouth.

“Wow!” He gasped, “Jensen, I . . . was that . . . are you?”  
“You? Speechless? I guess as first kisses go that was a pretty good one then?”  
Jensen felt bubbling over with joy, as though happiness was filling him from within and radiating out through his every pore. Jared ghosted a hand over Jensen’s back and Jensen looked around for his discarded shirt, suddenly a little self conscious but at the same time relishing the feeling of Jared's fingers against his skin.

Jared scooped the shirt up from the bed and turned it the right way out, gently tugging it down over Jensen's head and smoothing out the fabric. “I'm not a child you know,” Jensen smiled but Jared seemed to take him seriously. “I want to look after you, as much as I can anyway. I. . .” 

Seraph muttered in her sleep and Jared picked the baby up, snuggling into her soft neck, breathing deeply before adjusting her into her favourite sleeping position against his shoulder.  
“Jen' . . . I do understand. I mean I hate it, hate that he does this to you and you're trapped but I understand. My mom was never able to leave my Dad despite everything. I'm glad you showed me though, as much as it hurts me to see it, you hiding things from me would hurt worse.”

“I know,” Jensen agreed, “I keep thinking . . . maybe one day soon I'll feel strong enough to stop him.” He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “Soon, maybe.” 

Jared kissed him again then, soft and gentle and at an awkward angle because of the baby but it was still perfect.

 

Jensen bit his lip and Jared waited patiently for him to speak. Jared knew how much Jensen hated the fact that he often still blushed and stammered when he tried to talk, even if it was only in front of Jay. Jensen took a deep breath and tentatively placed his hand on Jared's arm. “Jared, I . . . I want to . . . God! Why is this so hard to talk about?” 

Jared was actually a little shocked, it was the first time he'd ever hear Jensen use a profanity but he schooled himself not to react too much, not wanting to spook his friend.  
“Jen, it's cool, okay? Just take your time. I know it must be so hard for you. I'm sorry I keep bugging you to ask questions and be more open, you need to do stuff at your own pace, I get that. I just want . . .”  
“I know.” Jensen interrupted. “And you've been so good for me, I know I'm growing and changing and . . .” he blushed even more fiercely. “Jay, I want to know what is feels like, when we kiss it's . . . well, you know how good it is and I want . . . I just want to know what else there is.”

“Oh . . .” Jared felt a punch of lust to the gut so hard it took his breath away. He tried to ground himself and let out a long, slow breath. “No one makes me speechless like you do, did you know that?”  
Jensen smiled and nodded with a shy dip of his head and that was so god-damned cute Jay wanted nothing more that to ravish him on the spot. 

“I, oh God, Jen I want to so much, believe me but . . .” Jared had to stop again to breathe and he could feel himself blushing now. He was pleased to hear Jensen give a little chuckle.  
“I didn't even know you could blush.” He commented and Jared couldn't hold himself back any longer, pulling Jensen in as close as he could get to kiss him again. It was intoxicating, this feeling and he could drown in it, swept away on a tide of Jensen inhabiting all his senses.

When they finally broke away Jared was still panting a little, it cost him huge pangs, he wanted nothing more than to give his libido full rein but he knew deep in his heart that Jensen was worth more than that, that Jensen needed to be given back the ownership of his own body, they could only be truly equal partners in this relationship if Jensen reclaimed what was rightfully his first. Carefully he breathed in and exhaled slowly, trying to regain control as he softly explained his feelings.

“Tomorrow,” Jared promised. “When you come round for the evening, so we have a few hours together, I want to make sure it's really special.”  
“Of course it will be special,” Jensen smiled shyly, “It will be with you.”

 

Goosebumps pebbled his flesh despite the warmth of the room, he felt helpless to do anything but watch as Jared carefully lit the candles, a slight tremor to Jay's hands the only indication that he wasn't actually as calm about this as he appeared to be. Jared was dressed in a soft tee shirt and a pair of loose drawstring pants he just looked so comfortable and at ease with himself, at ease in his own body in a way that Jensen couldn't ever remember feeling.

Jensen huddled in on himself, from habit as much as anything because even now he was more relaxed around Jared than he was around anyone else, although he was still permanently wary. He had grown to love watching Jared perform his simple rituals, as the other boy lit candles and incense and murmured gentle words of thanks. Sometimes now Jensen joined in, usually just in his head but occasionally, when it was just him and Jared like this he spoke aloud. He still couldn't quite believe that Jared thought he was worth wasting so much time on, Jared who was so gorgeous and popular and friendly.

He knew he was too much in his head for what they had planned and he tried to focus on his breathing, slowing it down and grounding himself like he'd been taught. Excitement fizzed through him and he shivered; anticipation, more than a little fear too but trust for Jared kept him from bolting. He knew he was ready for what Jared was offering. Jared smiled softly at him, shoving his messy hair back from his forehead with one hand as he came to kneel at Jensen’s side. 

“What do we do now?” Jensen asked quietly, still apprehensive, he was so new to all of this but he trusted Jared, he knew he was safe with him. “It'll come to us,” Jared promised, he gently cupped the side of Jensen's face in his hand and Jensen leaned into it, he had fast become addicted to the feeling of Jared's touch. The way the other boy could make him feel so cherished with such a simple gesture. 

Finally he sat opposite Jensen taking both of his hands, Jensen wondered when it had become natural to let Jared touch him like this, how he had gone from flinching at any contact to the point now where he actually craved it, the warmth of Jared's hand on his arm, the way his friend would drape a casual arm across his shoulders. The intoxicating sensation of being kissed.

Now Jared lifted Jensen's palm up to his lips, softly brushing the heated flesh, gentle kisses soothing the lines of pain and making Jensen shiver, the thrill of anticipation turning to one of pleasure. It had taken them such a long time to get to this point, Jared had been so loving and patient, still Jensen didn't know if he was ready. He barely even knew what to expect but he did know for sure now that it was what he wanted, that regardless of what Alan might say, it was right and good and allowed. 

Jared helped Jensen take off his shirt and guided him to lie on his stomach. “I'm just going to massage your back, love,” he explained, “when you’re relaxed and ready to go further let me know, okay. If you don't feel ready to do more tonight that's fine too.” 

Jensen lost track of time as Jared touched him, his fingers skilful as they skimmed over the still healing scars on his back, working deeper to ease the larger knots out of his shoulders and neck, his voice murmuring a gentle litany of love and encouragement, prayers of thanks for Jensen and hope for his future, for their future together. 

Jensen could feel the desire growing in the pit of his stomach, slowly at first, but growing stronger, he needed to have Jared's hands on him, needed to to know what it felt like to be touched . . . down there. He could feel himself filling with blood, growing and swelling and he couldn't hold back the broken gasp that fell from his lips as he turned over, “please,” he breathed and he leaned up, searching for Jared's mouth wanting, just wanting.

Jared kissed him then, so very tenderly, he was still so reverential as he helped Jensen finish undressing, his hands skimming over Jensen’s flesh, skimming the sensitive nubs of Jensen's nipples. That was another sensation Jensen wasn't prepared for and he moaned softly, his head falling back against the pillows as Jared continued his tender exploration.

Suddenly he felt himself lift up out of his body, for a second he was in Jared's head looking down at himself through Jared's eyes. And he was lean and flushed, his hair rumpled and the signs of his arousal so obvious, and the love that Jared was regarding him with was so strong and all encompassing it was overwhelming. he breathed out a sudden oh in shock at seeing himself like this, and Jared leaned in close stealing the breath as it escaped.

“You see? you’re so gorgeous, Jensen, so special” and Jensen nodded, “I see it” he gasped and the wonderment made his voice hitch and he bit his lip as he finally let his hand drift down to touch himself giving a surprised little moan of pleasure as he realised how good it felt.

Jared settled himself back against the pile of cushions and tugged Jensen round in front of him so that he was lying back, supported on Jared's chest. “Help me?” Jensen whispered and Jared gave an odd sucked in breath before covering Jensen's hand with his own. 

Jensen felt dizzy with the sensations, the sandalwood scent of the massage oil and incense still heavy in the air. Jared squeezed a little and Jensen gasped at the feeling that was almost electric in its intensity. 

Jared guided him to move, slowly at first but then speeding up, their joined fists sliding up and down over the heated flesh of his cock and the sensations were coming in waves of pleasure that he'd never thought possible. He could feel Jared's own erection pressing into his back and it made him shiver hot and cold at the thought that Jared was getting as much pleasure from this as he was himself.

“God! Jensen, you're amazing, this feels so fantastic, yeah? You're so perfect, so special.” Part of Jensen wanted to blush and hide but the part that was winning out was relishing every moment, every thrill that Jared's words were sending through him; though he was barely able to do more than gasp “yes,”in response. His free hand clutched uselessly at the rug beneath them, clenching and unclenching until he found Jared's arm to grasp and knew that he was holding on hard enough to bruise but Jared did nothing but pick up a little speed in his litany of praise and endearments.

Jensen felt like he was choking, there was heat pooling in his belly and the pleasure was skirting the edges of pain, he knew he was gasping for breath and he gave a little cry of loss as Jared took his hand away. “This is for you now, Jen. You can do this, let me see you, love. Let me see you come.” 

Jensen was so safe, so loved, surrounded by Jared he was able to let go. Revelling in the feel of his own flesh under his hand, amazed that it could feel this good. He could feel the heat pool deep in his belly, electric sparks of pleasure star bursting in front of his eyes. Only dimly aware for a moment as the wave hit him, crashing through his body with an intensity he'd never dreamed of. He gasped and shuddered as Jared coaxed him through wave after wave of aftershock. He didn't even know he was crying until Jared was holding him close and shushing him.

 

Jared was so awed and so honoured to be a part of what Jensen was experiencing, he was intensely turned on too and it was hard not to give into his own needs but he wanted to see Jensen through this first, he could wait. It took a moment to realise that Jensen was crying, tears pouring down his face, and his shoulders heaving with noiseless sobs. 

Once he'd started it seemed like he couldn't stop, crying for all he'd lost, the experiences he'd missed, the unnecessary punishment he'd endured. Jared pulled him in so that Jensen could bury his face in Jared's shoulder, the storm of emotion more frightening in its intensity than the events that had preceded it. 

He tried to comfort Jensen, rubbing his back and talking a stream of soothing nonsense but the storm went on unceasing and Jared began to get scared, he was afraid now that he couldn't handle this alone. It had all been so beautiful, so special that this had come completely out of the blue.  
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry”, Jensen gasped and Jared was hit again by the horror of it all, each step forward that Jensen took masked the damage that still lay underneath. 

Not wanting to leave Jensen alone Jared blipped the panic button, hoping that Angel would have the sense to send Misha in although Jensen seemed so lost in his pain that it was possible he wouldn't even notice if it was one of the women who came to help.

It was Misha though who came, who was calm and efficient, helping Jared wrap Jensen in a soft rug and encouraging him to hold Jensen close, Jensen was now lost in pain and sorrow so deep that he didn't even seem aware of what they were doing.  
“Is this trauma or catharsis?” Misha asked briefly, laying the back of his hand gently along the side of Jensen's jaw.  
“Catharsis I think and grief too,” Misha nodded okay, he hunkered down beside the pair huddled on the floor and Jared was profoundly grateful for Misha's backup. 

Misha closed his eyes, lips muttering in prayer as he called his guides to work with him, raising his voice a little as he asked for blessing and healing for Jensen. Gently he placed his hands on Jensen's shoulder as he grounded them all. Jared tried to breathe out his panic, mirroring Misha's breathing pattern. When he was sure he was grounded again Jared placed his palm flat against Jensen’s face, and visualised the calm channelling through him and into Jensen.

With the two of them focused and working it didn't take long for Jensen to calm, the sobs subsiding and the torment leaving his face, His breathing evened out and he slumped against Jared as he drifted off to sleep. Jared and Misha continued to work for a few minutes longer, pouring all the healing energy they could channel into him until Jared felt himself sway with exhaustion. 

Immediately Misha began to draw to a close, thanking the earth for her blessings and pulling back, “Jared,” there was a warning note to his voice. “You need to let him go now.” Jared wanted to argue but he felt really strange all of a sudden, drained and empty so he gently lowered Jensen to the floor, pulling another rug up around him. Jensen barely stirred, completely spent by the evenings events.

As soon as Misha opened the door to usher Jared out Angel was waiting, she pulled him into a vigorous hug and then stood back, holding his face in her hands. “Jared Tristan Padalecki! I don’t know what you've been up to but I’ve taught you better than to attempt anything on that scale without serious backup!”  
“Angel, sweetheart, it's not his fault, the working went fine,” Misha soothed. “Jensen had a major fallout afterwards, the worst I’ve witnessed, his background is so toxic I should have seen it coming.” Misha smiled reassuringly at Jared who was practically swaying on his feet now, “You did good Jared, really good, he'll sleep for a while now, you go and eat something. I'll stay with him until you get back.” 

Angel nodded and Jared followed her up to the kitchen, he slumped on a chair hardly able to even think or focus, Angel pressed a mug of something warm into his hands and he swallowed it gratefully, feeling the sweetness soothing his throat, the scented herbs reviving him a little so that by the time his mom placed a plate of food in front of him he was able to eat. Isis sat beside him, her hand soft on his arm and he could feel her channelling energy into him, pure and strong, reviving him as much as the food was.

“His brother will be here to get him soon,” Jared fretted, I don’t know what to do, I don’t think we'll even be able to wake him. I . . .I’m sorry, mom.”  
She tousled his hair softly and draped her arms around his shoulders, “don't you try those puppy dog eyes on me! I'm really proud of how much you've helped Jensen over these last few months. But there is going to be fall out sooner or later I'm afraid.”  
Jared nodded, “I'm scared,” he admitted, “but he's worth it.”

“I can see that. You know we'll all be here for you, both of you. Can I ask what you were working on with him before it got too intense?”  
Jared took another bite of his sandwich, “He . . . well, his father was telling him he was dirty, evil that he couldn't even touch himself. It was just a simple working to give him back ownership of his body.” She gave a little gasp and a shadow crossed her face. “oh, poor child. There's nothing simple about that, but if it worked then he had a lot to mourn, a lot of lost years, I'm not surprised he had a healing crisis.”

Jared nodded, grateful for her understanding, he pressed a kiss to her hands where they were clasped in front of his neck then stood up, freeing himself from her embrace. “I need to get back to him, I don't know how Jen' would feel if he wakes up and finds Misha with him instead of me.”  
“Go on then, I'll deal with Jensen's brother when he gets here, think of a plausible excuse for him to stay over.”

 

I don't think I've felt this tired in a very long time, I gave Jensen more than was safe for me probably but it was like pouring energy into a black hole, he had been unloved and emotionally neglected for so long. Jared had done well though, even though the depths of Jensen's mourning and pain were distressing he was whole and healed. At the very edges of his psyche there was a strange hint that was as familiar to me as breathing, the fact that Jared had left psychic residue was to be expected but somehow I got the sense of Angel being there as well and that was odd, although I suppose we are all so intrinsically linked that it could be explained by that.

That his soul could have come through to this point so completely unscathed by all he had suffered was something of a miracle. After Jared had gone I gently eased the blanket away to reveal Jensen's body, saw for myself the terrible criss crossing of scars on his back and I wanted to weep for what had been done to him. He muttered in his sleep and I put my hand on his shoulder, sending another burst of peaceful and healing energy into him even as I tucked the blanket back around him with my free hand. He settled at once and I was glad, I wanted Jared to be here when he woke up. 

As soon as Jared returned I headed upstairs to find my girls, and of course they were both waiting for me. Angel fresh from sending Jensen's brother home and obviously still distressed by it all. Isis was upset as well but more pragmatic and holding her together as she always did. I figured I’d probably be too tired for anything other that cuddling tonight, not that that was a problem, I was happy just to be with them or watching them together. I guess I'm lucky that way, most men I know would kill for what I’ve got but they would think it was all about the sex and that’s so far from the truth. 

They make me complete, give me everything I have ever wanted or need spiritually and emotionally. Not that they're not the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen, I can come just watching them without even laying a hand on my dick.

For the moment though Isis can tell how much energy I’ve used, that the level of my spiritual exhaustion is physically painful its so deep. I make it to the couch before I crash, suddenly my head is spinning and I can hardly remember my own name. “He's so hurt,” I whisper, I can still feel the hollow residue of his pain. Isis sits beside me on the couch, my pocket sized goddess. Her fingers are tiny, almost child like but she is so strong, she laces her finger between mine palm to palm, and the energy that she sends my way practically crackles it is so intense. 

Angel is gentler, her soft curves and voluptuous body that I could just sink into and disappear. Her energy too is being fed into me, her hands soft on my temples. “His back, Goddess, I've never. . . how could anybody hurt someone as gentle and pure as him?”  
“Hush now,” Angel too is still edgy, her feelings muddled and cloudy but she is still patiently massaging my forehead.  
“Jensen . . . he feels so empty, how can they . . .? “  
“Enough, Misha. You've gone too far again,” Isis chided gently, “You need to keep a little in reserve for yourself.”  
“How can we expect Jared not to do the same thing?” Angle's tone is gentle but the thread of worry is obvious and I reach up to squeeze her hand.

I am too sleepy and warm to open my eyes but I feel the energy changing around me and I know they're kissing, leaning over me, still holding me safe in the cradle of their love but I don't need to look to see the soft press of their lips or to know how Isis will be in charge, setting the pace as she curls her wicked little tongue into Angel's mouth.

Isis knows us both inside and out and she knows exactly how to stop us from being able to think. We take it to the bedroom in case the boys wake up and the next thing I know I'm face down on the bed, ass in the air wondering how I'd let them talk me into this. They'd kept me on edge for what felt like hours, putting on a show, writhing against each other and sliding themselves against me with too light, teasing strokes whenever I pleaded with them to touch me.  
Finally Isis is ready to to take it to the next level and disappears into our bathroom, when she returns she's wearing a strap on, neon pink and huge, bigger than anything I'd ever taken before and if I didn't trust them so much I'd be scared.

As it is Angel's clever fingers are working lube deep into my hole, her other hand holding me steady. I reach for my cock, trying to find some relief and Isis slaps my hand away, then brings her hand down on my butt cheek with a stinging smack, the pain blooms and swells, making my dick twitch again, if I wasn’t for the cock ring cinched tight round the base I’d have come ten times over by now.

Suck him she commands and Angel does her bidding, worming her way underneath me and its so good and not enough. Too soon though she moves away, sliding herself up beside me. Lifting my head as she arranges herself beneath me, Bucking up against my mouth as I start to eat her cunt, licking and sucking as much as I can, too turned on and lust crazed to do as thorough a job of it as I would like. I lick her clit, flicking it with the tip of my tongue before furling it to dive deep inside her. 

It's sweet, almost enough for me to forget what Isis is doing when the thick blunt tip of the silicone cock is pressing into me and it hurts, god the burn is terrible but she's reaching round to stroke my dick and Angel is quivering above me, her thighs bracket my head and stopping me from moving away. As Isis slowly slides home it starts to feel amazing. She gives a deep groan as she flicks a switch and I realise that this thing is double ended, for every press into me she's fucking herself and that though alone is enough to get my dick twitching again.

“Please,fuck! please. Isis, baby, Angel please!”  
I’m almost incoherent now as Angel shudders, moving yet again at Isis's direction, Sliding under me once more, forcing me up on my arms to make room, lining herself up and then Isis pegs in hard and fast and I cry out with the pleasure and shock as she pounds my cock forward into the tight embrace of angel's cunt. 

Angel thrusts up and Isis pushes back and I'm too wrung out to do anything much but just lie there as they rock me back and forth between them,  
And its too much, “too much, please, fucking god! let me come, please”  
and blessedly Isis reaches down and unclipped the ring as she pounds into me hard, a wicked swivel of her hips and she's hitting that spot with every thrust, Angel's sweet little pussy starts clenching around my dick as she comes. As Isis pounds against my prostate one more time I'm coming, heat dragging up from my belly as I fall forward into angels arms, mouthing sloppy kisses into her neck, totally boneless with pleasure and exhaustion. 

Isis is still riding me through the aftershocks but I know the noises she makes when she's close and it only seconds later that she's coming too, hard and fast with little screams of pleasure until she suddenly pulls the toy out with a speed that leaves me gasping for air. 

They are so gentle now, Isis cleans me ups and then presses along side me, her breasts soft against my arm, bracketed on the other side by Angel. The pain and the emptiness is totally gone now, I feel restored and whole again. I can barely stay awake long enough to kiss them, but it's the last thing I remember, a soft lazy three way exchange, lips grazing my face, my throat and gentle hands sifting through my hair as I fall deep into a dreamless sleep. 

And this is why I know I’m safe to go that little bit too far, because they will always bring me back.

 

Jensen floated gradually awake, for a long time just enjoying the sensation of being held, he felt so safe and comfortable in Jared's arms, Just a few short weeks ago he wouldn't have even imagined such a thing was possible. Slowly memories and images from the night before began to come back to him, he waited for the inevitable tide of shame and self loathing to follow but it didn't. As he carefully probed his feelings he realised that he just felt happy, glad to be alive, so very happy to just be here and now. 

Jared shifted a little in his sleep, rolling over onto his back and Jensen opened his eyes, propping himself up on one elbow to really look at his boyfriend. Jared had discarded his top and in the dim light of the single candle that was still burning his skin looked golden and glowing. Jensen didn't want to just look any more, he put his hand out, tentatively ghosting over Jared's chest, more confident as he stroked across the flat of Jared's stomach and coming to rest on the jut of his hip. 

Jensen could hear the change in Jared's breathing and knew his friend was awake despite his still closed eyes. Braver now he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the hollow of Jared's throat, then brought his lips down to cover Jared's nipple, biting down softly, letting his tongue flick over the little nub and Jared hissed out a little breath that was part pleasure and part shock. 

Jensen couldn't help but chuckle at Jared's response and he leaned up to press a kiss to Jared's mouth, “hello, Jay.” He said quietly and Jared opened his eyes then with a smile, pulled Jensen in to kiss him more fiercely. 

Jensen felt like he could go on kissing Jay for ever, could feel himself growing hard again as he pressed against his boyfriend's hip, he rolled a little, grinding himself into Jared's body, seeking that elusive “more” although he wasn't sure yet what was needed to achieve it.

He whimpered and Jared soothed him, “It's okay, sweetheart, we'll get there,” Jared slipped his trousers off and Jensen couldn't help but gasp at how beautiful his boyfriend was, Jared's cock was hard and flushed, the tip glistened with a drop of clear fluid. Jensen was shocked at how much he wanted it, to touch it. even to taste. Then Jared was leaning over him, pinning Jensen beneath his weight, Jensen shifted his legs and then he could feel it, the friction that he need as Jared's hard length pressed against his.

“Hold us both,” Jared instructed, it'll feel even better.” and Jensen did as he was told, fitting his hand into the tight space between their bodies, shy at first and hesitant, his fingers barely there at the first touch of the silken skin on Jared's cock. Jared's moan of encouragement spurred him on and he grasped them together more firmly, the press of his own heated flesh against Jared's too good, too intense for him to do anything other than just go with the sensations he was feeling. 

Jared was rocking his hips gently down, pushing and moving and Jensen was swept away on the tide of physical pleasure that he'd never even imagined before. Surging up to meet Jared's thrusts and burying his face in Jared's neck, sucking on the salt sweet softness of his skin, hearing their mixed gasps and mutterings. 

“Fuck, Jen' I love you, love you so much,” Jared gasped and Jensen spread his legs wider so that it was impossible for them to be any closer, hooking his legs round Jared's body, working on instinct and his need to explore every inch of Jared that he could reach with his mouth and tongue, as Jared continued to gasp and moan Jensen's name.

Jensen could feel the heat pooling in his belly once more and he tightened his grip, Jared was losing his rhythm now, his breath in Jensen's ear was hot and ragged. And then Jared came, the hot liquid covering Jensen's hand as Jared began to shake, and it was so glorious and unexpected that Jensen came too, shuddering his release as he bit down into Jared's neck. 

The pair of them tumbled together back on to the rugs as Jensen laughed and Jared cried and it was a beautiful jumble of limbs and tender kisses and love. 

When they finally came down from the high of their lovemaking Jared was pleased to see how rested and peaceful Jensen looked.  
“Wow, Jen just . . .Goddess that was . . .”  
“speechless again?” Jensen chuckled softly.  
“Yeah, actually. That was breathtaking, Jen, you're amazing, when we . . . connected like that . . . I've never felt so close to anyone.”  
“me either,” Jensen agreed with a satisfied grin. He sat up and stretched, “I'm hungry,” he declared wonderingly, he usually thought of food as fuel, the way he had been taught to but it felt now as though all his senses were on overdrive. He was hungry to taste, to touch to experience everything. He laughed, unable to contain himself. 

Jared, I need it, I need it all!” he felt drunk on happiness.  
“Greedy,” Jared teased, pulling him in for another kiss, Jensen chuckled and leaned in to the touch, welcoming it, craving it. He could have kept on kissing Jared for hours. A sudden impulse had him leaning down to lick a delicate stripe over Jared's arm, tracing the outline of the tattoo with the tip of his tongue. “God, I've been wanting to do that since the very first time I saw it,” he admitted.

Jared grinned then pulled him back up to plunder his mouth once more until they were both giddy and breathless, finally though Jared pulled away  
“come on, lets head upstairs, we'll feed you and then go sleep in my room, can you imagine the walk of shame if we have to go back through the shop in the morning?”  
“Not ashamed of being with you,Jay. I could never be ashamed of you.”

They stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, still trading lazy kisses as they feasted on the contents of the fridge, making stupidly large sandwiches and washing them down with large glasses of milk.

Finally they made it through to Jared's bedroom, and Jensen cuddled in close as they eased themselves under the covers.  
“I wish it could always be like this,” Jensen said wistfully, “I hate having to go home from here anyway, it's just going to be ten times worse now.”  
“If you need to, you can stay, Jensen.” Jared volunteered softly. “Angel and the guys, we're all here for you.”  
“I can't, I . . . if I leave I'm afraid he'll turn on Maggie. I . . . I don't want to talk about it now, I don't want to spoil tonight, it's been so special.”

Jared ran a fingertip over Jensen’s lips and Jensen snaked his tongue out and chased the finger with his tongue, sucking it back into his mouth, Jared couldn't hold back his moan. Jensen was so natural, he had no knowledge or expectations, he was just happy to glory in the pleasure they could give to each other. Jensen moved his attention to the the rest of Jared's hand, sucking each finger down to the knuckle, eyes wide as he looked at Jared to see his reaction. 

Jared moaned again, his breathing speeding up as he watched Jensen’s tongue laving each finger with so much love. “Fuck Jen,” he hissed. He could feel his cock filling with blood again already, Jensen’s ministrations were so tender yet so unconsciously sexual. “Can I . . . may I . . ? I don't know what I'm allowed to do,” Jensen whispered, “Anything,” Jared reassured, “whatever feels right.”

And then Jensen was worming his way down the bed and turning his attentions to Jared's cock, just running his tongue over the tip at first, then taking the head into his mouth and suckling experimentally, Jared's noisy moan of appreciation was all it took to spur him on.

“Fuck , Jen! God! that’s so good, baby, fuck , yeah!” he knew he was babbling but the feeling of that mouth so hot and wet around him was amazing, made so much better by the fact that this was Jensen. His Jensen doing this for him. He let his hands drift down, one tangling into the short strands of Jensen's hair, the other stroking the corner of Jensen s mouth, feeling where they were joined and the connection was as much emotional as physical, he'd never felt like this before.

He knew it wouldn't take long and he would come like this, he couldn't stop himself from thrusting forward and Jensen gave a deep moan of pleasure that made everything ratchet up to the next level of intensity, Jensen had brought his hand up now, still continuing the exploration that was so gentle it was almost painful and Jared let out a needy little whine, then Jensen's hand was wrapped around his balls, tugging a little and then squeezing and Jared threw his head back, “Fuck , Jen, please, more please!” and blessedly Jensen did, increasing the pressure and taking Jared deeper into his mouth, urging Jared on with little moans of pleasure until Jared could feel that he was losing it. 

“I'm coming, Jen, fuck , move baby,” and Jensen pulled his head back, replacing his mouth with his hand as he milked Jared through his orgasm. 

He gave Jared a happy little grin, obviously pleased with himself and grinned as he leaned in to kiss Jared. Jared felt suddenly sleepy, utter boneless and exhausted and he pulled Jensen back into his arms, sleepily nuzzling into his neck.

It felt amazing to be like this with his lover, skin against skin. He felt sated and blissful, happy, to have Jensen here with him in every way.


	3. Chapter 3

When they got back from college there was a strange girl sitting at the kitchen table, well strange to Jensen obviously and he retreated back behind Jared. He knew his social skills were still sadly lacking but it was so hard for him to be able to trust anyone, afraid as always that word of his friendship with Jared might get back to his father.

Jared's face broke into an ear splitting grin, “Oh my God! Poppy! Look at you,” she jumped up and he swung her into his arms, enveloping her in a hug that lifted her right off the ground. There was a confusing babble of voices as she talked about the college she was attending and people they knew and Jensen wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. He felt forgotten and uneasy as he watched the two interact in a mixture of half finished sentences and reminiscences that excluded him. 

Angel, as ever was his rescuer, she always seemed to recognise how he was feeling, often before Jensen himself was able to analyse it.   
“Jared,” There was a note of admonition in her voice. “aren't you going to introduce Poppy to your boyfriend?” The emphasis she put on the last word made it seem doubly significant, he'd never even thought of himself like that before. 

Poppy looked him over in surprise, her gaze was almost insolent as she looked him up and down, and Jensen found himself wishing that actually maybe Angel shouldn't have said anything, maybe being ignored was better.

Jared was instantly contrite thought, “Goddess, I'm sorry, Jen, I haven't seen Poppy for months, I didn't think. Poppy this is Jensen, Jen, this is Poppy, we uh, used to go out together before she moved away.”  
“Hiya,” Jensen hated the blush and the whisper of his voice, this girl seemed so confident and outgoing, little silver rings pierced her lip and eyebrow and a tattoo of a flowering vine twined itself around her arm. Another of the flower she was named for was emblazoned on her left breast, much of which was on show, framed by a tight black vest top. He couldn't help thinking that she was a better match for Jared than he himself was.

He sat silently as they chattered, sipping the drink that Angel had put in front of him without even tasting it, there was a strange bitter lump in his throat and he felt like he hated this Poppy even though he'd barely met her. He didn't know what was wrong with him but as she and Jared entered another round of do you remember when he felt that he couldn't bare it any longer. With a muttered excuse where he barely managed to stammer goodbye he hurried out, down the stairs and through the shop. 

He hadn't made it as far as the door before Jared caught up with him, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him round to stop him from leaving, Jensen looked down at the floor, shrinking back, scared, instinctively he raised his hand protectively in front of his face and Jared swore,   
“Fuck it! Jen” his voice was over loud, anguished, but he softened it immediately. “It's okay, it's okay, sweetheart. I won't hurt you, I would never hurt you!”  
Jensen was still shaking , he had broken out in a cold sweat and he froze up as Jared pulled him into his arms, rubbing soothing circles on his back. “It's okay, baby. you're safe, you're safe.” 

Slowly, slowly he relaxed into Jared's arms, ashamed of his reaction, knowing how much it must have hurt Jared, “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” he rested his head down onto Jared's chest. “I know I'm safe with you, honestly I do.” And it was true, Jared was amazing, always so tender and caring and yet for one instinctive moment all he'd been aware of was the hand gripping his shoulder, too reminiscent of other things.

“It's my fault,” Jared asserted, “I shouldn't have grabbed you like that, I wasn't thinking, I just didn't want you to leave.” He pulled back a little, looking into Jensen's eyes and his gaze was so steady and clear it made Jensen’s heart clench.   
“I didn't mean to get so involved in chatting with Poppy, I'm an idiot, forgive me?”  
“Of course, “Jensen tried to make himself sound convincing but his heart was still racing, the way Jared was rubbing his back was helping though.   
“I don’t know why I was so stressed out over it, and . . . I hated the way it made me feel, seeing you with her.” He admitted. “I didn't know that . . . well, you never said your last . . . friend was a girl.”

Jared looked faintly confused, “I didn't? It wasn't deliberate, I mean, I wasn't trying to hide it or anything.”  
“You looked so right with her,” Jensen persisted, “the way you finish each others sentences, all the friends you have together. . .” He was getting upset again, he could hear himself getting more and more anxious and he stopped speaking while he tried to regain some control.  
“Jen, it ended between us a long time ago, by the time we finished we were more like siblings than anything else. She's my friend, she'll always be my friend, but you, well, you're in my heart.”

Gently Jared, led him to the couch, the store was in darkness and Jensen was glad of that, he allowed Jared to man handle him, he was suddenly exhausted, nauseated and it was a relief not to have to think what to do or say. They curled up on the couch together, Jensen resting in Jared's arms feeling safe again and protected. He let his eyes drift closed for a moment, only for them to be startled open by Poppy's voice a few moments later.

“Guess you might just be needy enough to keep him distracted, he always liked being all butch and over protective.” She stood on the dimly lit stairs as she spoke but the hurt was evident on her face.   
“Don't be a bitch, Poppy,” Jared said without raising his voice, “It doesn't suit you.” He tightened his hold on Jensen, not giving him leeway to run away again and Jensen was glad. He was beginning to feel that the only times these days when he ever felt safe was in the comforting protective circle that was Jared's embrace.

“I'm pissed off with you, Moose!” She admitted. “why didn't you tell me you'd got someone new?” She stood on the dimly lit stairs as she spoke but the hurt was evident on her face. “Is he why you're never on face book or anything any more?”

Jared sat up, turning to look at her but his arm was still tight around Jensen's waist. “Poppy, its . . . well, it's different with Jensen, okay? Give me a break yeah?”  
She came over then and sat in the arm chair closest to them.   
“What with him having a dick and all!”  
“Poppy . . .”There was a warning tone to Jared's voice now.  
“Okay, okay, I am being a bitch, I know, I'm sorry,” She apologised. “but it hurts, Moose, I thought I meant enough to you to at least tell me.”  
Jared huffed out a deep breath and gave an apologetic shrug, “Its been hectic, setting up the store, changing schools, this thing with Jen kind of crept up on me.”  
“I am here you know,” Jensen surprised himself by speaking, not loudly but more than the whisper that was usually all he was capable of when meeting new people. “You've come as a bit of a shock to me too, you know . . . I . . . well, it took me by surprise how jealous I felt. I . . .I've never felt like that before and it felt wrong, I didn't like who it made me.”

She stared at him for a moment, dark eyes appraising then she broke into a smile. “I like you, you're honest . . . and pretty, obviously. I guess I got jealous too. But our Moose, he's a big hunk of burning man love, there's a lot to get jealous over!” She chuckled and Jensen felt more than a little bemused but was relieved that the tense stand off seemed over.  
“God, I forgot how we have to talk everything through in this family,” she gave a wry little chuckle.  
“Yeah well,” Jensen was feeling braver now. “It beats the alternative, in my family we never talk about anything.”

They talked for a little longer, Jared explained how he and Jensen had met, overplaying the scene with Jensen rescuing him when he twisted his ankle.

Finally, still laughing they made their way back upstairs to hang out together a bit longer, and although it still felt weird to Jensen it grew more comfortable and both Jay and Poppy made a deliberate effort to keep him included. 

They walked her home before Jensen had to go home and they stole a few moments alone together in the Park before Jensen's curfew. Still feeling the aftermath of his insecurity Jensen held Jared close, pressing his lips against Jared's mouth, then kissing the dimple that made Jared's face so expressive.   
Suddenly he asked, “Why does she call you Moose?”  
Jared shrugged, “I dunno, 'cos I’m big and dumb I guess.”  
Jensen was horrified, it hurt him that Jared could be so nonchalant about it, he sounded so self deprecating too and it struck him suddenly that Jared had issues of him own too. 

“But you're not!” He insisted vehemently. “You're funny and clever and so talented . . . I don't like it that she calls you that.” Jensen was definite in his outburst.   
Jared claimed Jensen's mouth in a kiss that was tender and exploratory, his hand framing Jensen's face as Jensen brought his own hand up to twist into Jared's shirt. 

He might not feel jealous any more exactly but a fierce wave of possessiveness made him want to claim Jared, mark him as off limits to Poppy and anyone else that might be interested. He kissed his way down the strong line of Jared's jaw, letting his mouth come to rest against the heated skin of his neck, licking down to the sharp jut of his collar bone, he bit down softly for a moment, “ Can I ?” he asked softly and in response Jared tilted his head to the side, allowing Jensen better access. 

“Anything, always,” he promised and it made Jensen suddenly aware of how lucky he was to have found this amazing man. Jensen sucked gently against the skin, feeling the pull of it against his tongue, the faint metallic taste bursting against his taste buds and Jared groaned, “Fuck!” his hand coming up behind Jensen head holding him in place.

When he finally pulled back the mark was small but obvious, Jared was his and they both knew it, and even if people couldn't know just who Jared belonged to he was marked, claimed now for all to see.

 

 

The sitting room looked magical, fairy lights were strung over the pictures and wrapped around the wooden pillar at the top of the stairs. The previous week Angel had made Maggie an apron, it looked like a fairy dress complete with tiny wings but it tied over the top of her ordinary clothes. She was enchanted by it and ran to put it on soon as she came round now, that and the adding of her jewellery was almost ritualistic for Maggie, helping her transition between her two worlds. 

Jensen was hazy as to what they were actually celebrating, it was still another few days to go until Easter and it didn't seem to be anybodies birthday but the entire family was obviously in celebratory mode, Misha had for once cast off his sleepy act and was practically vibrating as he buzzed round the kitchen , tasting and seasoning and adding the finishing touches to a huge variety of dishes he was assembling across the already groaning worktop. 

Angel was setting stacks of wrapped gifts in each place and Isis and Steve were trying to put together a high chair for the baby, laughing as they read instructions and threw a spanner back and forth between them. Jared and Chris were arguing cheerfully over what background music to put on, Jensen held Sepphy on his lap and tried to stay out of the way of all the chaos. Six months ago the thought of being a part of such noise and gaiety would have horrified Jensen, he would have been hiding in his room with a migraine after ten minutes. Now he revelled in it, loving the way his sister lit up with joy as she danced around the room, bestowing fairy kisses on everyone's noses as she passed. 

Finally Misha declared the food to be ready and Jensen tentatively settled Seraph into the high chair, “You sure this thing will hold together?” he teased voice still low but at ease enough here in this place to join in the fun and Isis stuck out her tongue at him. Misha placed a small bowl of dry cereal in front of Maggie, “there you go baby, doughnut seeds,” he grinned.   
“hope you're feeding us better than that, man.” Steve quipped, and Jensen was glad. He know that sometimes Steve struggled with Misha, couldn't quite get his head around the relationship between Isis, Angel and Misha; he found it hard to relate to Misha too, with his quirky sense of humour and sometimes challenging manner. 

Today though that was all being put aside as they prepared to feast, Angel offering prayers of thanks and Isis lighting candles on the alter that graced a corner shelf in the far end of the room. Maggie was so enchanted by it all that it made Jensen's heart ache, she deserved this all the time, he thought. He hated having to take her back more and more each time. She never made a fuss now, always leaving as soon as he said but it still hurt him, after all he knew exactly how she must feel. More and more he wanted to stay with Jared again, to spend the night sleeping in his lover's arms, to wake exchanging lazy kisses as they'd been able to do only on that one occasion.

He realise he was zoning out again, spending too much time in his head, which in this place at least was wasted time. He forced himself to concentrate, tasting the vast array of food that was put in front of him, eating far more than he ever would at home as he laughed at the jokes that were being traded back and forth and even joined in the conversation. Maggie too was in her element, she'd not met Chris and Steve before and was a particularly taken with Chris, she had gained so much in confidence recently and was happy to perch on his knee to eat, and he good naturedly encouraged her her, Calling her Princess and selecting only the choicest of morsels to put on her plate. 

When they had eaten as much as was humanly possible Isis started to hand out the gifts, most of them were cheap or hand made but all were perfectly suited to the recipients. Jensen himself received a hand bound music book to write his songs in while Maggie's gift was a rag doll, made to look like a fairy princess and he recognised Angel's handiwork.

Maggie's eyes were like saucers as she carefully took off the glittered wrapping paper, smoothing it out carefully and saving the ribbon to tie in her hair. When she found the doll she breathed out a perfect oooh, too overwhelmed to say thank you or do anything other than stare. The doll's rainbow skirts matched Maggie's own and she wore a tiny crown of delicately stitched crystals and Maggie cuddled in close to Angel's side as she showed her the doll, exploring the tiny pockets in her dress and giggling together when they peeped under her skirt.

Jensen suddenly knew that he wanted to give something back to these amazing and generous people who had taken them into their hears with such unconditional affection. When they finally left the table and moved to the couches he timidly asked Steve if he could borrow the other man's guitar, Steve gladly handed it over and Jensen played, just a short piece to start with but encouraged by everyone's reaction he played on. It was Jared's expression that pleased him the most, Jared looked so proud and happy, and he was so obviously blown away that Jensen wished he'd shared his music with his boyfriend sooner.

“Wow,” Steve breathed as he finished, “Man you can really play, any time you want to do a gig with us you call, yeah? Can you bring your own guitar round so we can have a proper jam together sometime soon?”   
“Yeah,” Chris looked awed, “That's something else, bro. You are so much more than that pretty face aren't you?”  
Jensen grinned, it made him feel almost intoxicated to hear their praise, he knew that although he had always been technically good, the way Jared had helped him open up had given his playing new life, had put depth and warmth into his tone. He loved the smile it had put on Angel's face, the way Isis had leaned back into Misha's arms and closed her eyes. It was a good end to a perfect night and it made going home even harder. 

Walking into the chill sterility that was as much emotional as physical, he carefully peeled off his sisters coat, she was half asleep in his arms and he'd had to carry her in from the car when Jay had dropped them off. His parents weren't home yet, still at the elders group meeting and he was grateful. If his mom had put Maggie to bed she would surely have noticed the sticky traces of the candy Misha had fed her or the curled ribbon that she'd forgotten to take out of her hair. Her cheeks were tear stained too, she hadn't wanted to give up her doll, had cried to take it with her and it had broken his heart to have to say no, in the end she allowed Angel to look after it for her and settled it into a special corner of the couch ready for when she came back.

As it was Jensen had her cleaned up and tucked in tight, and had gone to bed himself by the tine they returned. He wondered how he hadn't realised before that they barely noticed what he did, unless his father was in the mood to punish Jensen for some supposed transgression they were now so used to his silent compliance they didn't seem to notice that he had changed.

He didn't want to talk to them, didn't want to have them take the shine off his perfect evening so he feigned sleep when he heard them return. In reality it took him a long time to fall asleep, playing over and over again in his head the way that Jared had looked at him, the feeling of singing with his friends and the way his heart had felt over flowing with love as Angel hugged him goodbye. 

 

Jared was getting more and more fed up about having to hide his relationship with Jensen, it totally went against his nature to be secretive. Added to which he felt constantly blessed by having Jensen in his life, loved every moment they spent together, to have to have that time curtailed by Jensen's fears – however realistic they were was horrible. 

It was slightly better now they were partnered together in class because at least now they could sit together and talk without Michael and Reuben giving them filthy looks, but he was still aware that their watchful gaze was often turned in his direction and he had to be so careful not to touch Jensen or say the wrong thing when they were within earshot. 

Jared knew it was pointless to raise the subject with Jensen, the older boy would just get that terrible hunted expression on his face and the shutters would come down over his eyes, making him look as though nothing had changed and he was still the blank doll he had been when Jared had first seen him, with his soul hidden so deep below the protective walls he'd built.

Their single night together had been so mind blowing and amazing, these snatched time together were just not enough and it was making Jared feel a little crazy. He had this gorgeous, sexy talented boyfriend and he wanted the world to know, or at the very least be able to touch him when he wanted to, to spend time with him where he didn't have to censor every word and action.

Jensen didn't say anything but Jared also feared that his father's cruelty was escalating, or maybe it was just that the emotional impact of it was affecting Jensen more now that he was so much more open. Whatever it was, Jared knew that he and Jensen needed to spend some time together, just to be able to enjoy each others company and take some time away from the stress that this was all creating. 

Tentatively he broached the subject with Jensen, suggested that they go on a camping trip up to the coast for a weekend. He argued that they could pass it off as an art trip, take photo's, build rock sculptures, sketch and use it all as part of their project. Jensen was doubtful that his father would agree to it but he promised to ask and Jared could tell that Jensen was as eager to spend time alone together as he was and that gave Jared a little hope that they might be able to pull this off.

 

As they packed the station wagon Jensen kept trying to hurry Jared along, it was the biggest adventure so far, the thought of having two whole night and days to spend with Jared, able to do what he wanted with no curfews or rules was exhilarating. “come on, come on!” he urged and Jared laughed at his excitement, Jensen didn't care though, it was such a rush to know they were escaping.

Jared drove, giving Jensen plenty of opportunity to sight see as they were driving. they had barely got past the city limits though when Jared pulled the car into the side of the road. He pulled Jensen across the seat towards him, despite the stick getting in the way and pulled him in for a desperate kiss, claiming him mouth so hard it almost bruised. Jensen responded hungrily, leaning into Jared's touch, Jared's hands were roaming his body, scratching across the flat of his belly, reaching around the sensitive skin of his torso. Making him squirm and gasp into Jared's mouth.

Jensen was dizzy with it, wanted to take things further, he stroked his hand up Jared's denim clad thigh, brushing his fingers over the bulge that outlined Jared rapidly swelling cock. Jared groaned, “fuck! Jen, I should have waited, we can't do this here,” Jensen pouted, honest to goodness pouted, and then laughed at himself, at the whole situation. They were making out in the car like horny teenagers, which was what they were of course and it was suddenly so normal for them to be doing this he started to laugh.

He tried to explain to Jared what was so funny but he was overcome with it, the joy and mirth bubbling up inside him, he was free even if it was only for a couple of days and it was a heady feeling. Just seeing Jensen so overcome like that was enough to make Jared join him in the fit of giggles that had over taken them, both boys laughing until tears ran down their faces.

It took several minutes for them to compose themselves enough for Jared to be able to drive again, “when we get there imma tape your mouth shut!” he threatened, “its not good for man if you laugh at him in the middle of a make out session!”  
“You wouldn't dare, you like my mouth to much!” Jensen retorted, and he was so glad he'd let Jay talk him into this trip, it had been worth the argument with his father, the punishment he had endured that morning as a reminder to “stay pure” while he was away. None of it mattered now, he didn’t think he had ever felt this light, this free before in his life. 

 

Jensen actually fell asleep less than an hour into the drive and Jared was glad, he knew Jensen was usually up at five most mornings, that he was a poor sleeper too and he was often exhausted. Jared thought that it was this and stress that was probably the main cause of Jensen’s headaches. Although he didn't seem to suffer from them half as often now as he had when they first met, hadn't missed any time off college with them for several weeks now.

Even in the short time they'd chatted together in the car Jensen had been so different and it warmed Jared's heart to see it even though it made him aware of just how deep the fear that Jensen lived in usually was, that it coloured his life all the time. Jensen had been light hearted, teasing; overtly sexual in the way he let his hand rest high on Jared's leg, letting his fingers graze agonisingly close to Jared's cock, that even now was halfway to readiness just at the memory of their heated make out session. 

Asleep Jensen's face had relaxed, a tiny half smile curved his lips making them look even more kissable than ever. Jared pressed the heel of his palm down into his groin and he took a deep breath. They'd never get there safely if he kept letting himself get distracted like this. Only another hour to go and he would let Jensen sleep all of it in peace, so he would be refreshed and ready to enjoy himself when they arrived.

Jared woke him gently as they approached the headland, the view when they first arrived was stunning and he didn't want Jensen to miss a moment of it. Jensen was suitably impressed, especially when Jared drove practically down to the sand to park the car. “It's always pretty much deserted up here,” he explained, “We've come up here several times to do retreats and just chill out.” He pointed to the small wooded area near the shore, “We can put the tent up just in there and no one will be able to see us.”

Jensen followed Jared's lead in taking off his shoes, remembering that first meditation that Misha had led as he wriggled in toes in the sun warmed sand. They walked hand in hand together down to the water's edge and it felt so perfect Jensen was almost afraid he would wake up any minute. 

There didn't seem any need for words between them, the pulse of energy through their joined hands was incredible, Jared hadn't felt so connected to anyone like this before. Jensen was his soul mate and he couldn't imagine loving anyone else the way he loved Jensen. 

The rush of the waves and the calls of the few gulls that wheeled above them provided the perfect backdrop, they leaned together when they stopped for a few minutes,water swirling around their ankles as they kissed, slow and gentle this time, no need to rush this, they had all weekend. Jensen was so warm and responsive, his hands on Jared's hips pulling him in closer as they kissed each other breathless. 

Jared could feel the need pulsing through him, it had been building all morning, giving an edge to the way he was experiencing everything. Jensen's presence was intoxicating, knowing that now he could touch him, hold him, do what ever they wanted to and the need was building until Jared couldn't wait any longer. 

“fuck! Baby, need you now?” and his voice sounded different to his own ears, low and throaty with wanting. Jensen teased him for his urgency but Jared knew Jensen was feeling it too, and they both hurried to get the tent up and spread the mattress out, tumbling onto it as they pressed themselves close, rutting into each other gasping and clutching at clothing in their need to be skin against skin. 

Finally naked Jared was ridiculously hard, he'd been so needy for Jensen to touch him since they left home, now when Jensen did it was so overwhelming it was almost almost painful and he whimpered. Jared didn't know how he could bare it but Jensen seemed to know what to do, soothing him with gentle touches as he kissed his way down Jared's torso, no teasing this time, just gently giving Jared what he needed, taking the heated flesh of Jared's cock into his mouth and laving it with his tongue. 

Almost instantly Jared could feel himself whiting out, pulsing into the tight wet heat of Jensen's throat, as he arched back, clutching at the mattress beneath him. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he apologised, when he felt like he could breathe again and Jensen laughed at him, before leaning in to kiss him, Jared could taste himself on Jensen’s mouth, the strong musk combining with the familiar taste that was uniquely Jensen.

“You do not need to apologise for that!” Jensen smiled as he pulled away, “That’s so hot it's . . . it's just awesome, Jay. I loved it so much.” and he sounded so surprised and so pleased with himself that Jared was forced to pull him down into another kiss, reaching down to wrap Jensen’s erection in his hand and was rewarded with a little gasp of pleasure as Jensen's eyelashes fluttered closed and he shifted his hips, thrusting up into Jared's grasp.

“Jensen, do you . . . do you wanna . . ?” Jared asked, almost shyly, he stopped his movements, making Jensen open his eyes. He didn't even know if they were ready for this yet, but he wanted Jensen so much right now.  
“You have to tell me what you want, Jay.” He punctuated his words with kisses and little nips to Jared's throat. “I don’t know what any of this involves but I trust you.”  
Jared was struck dumb again at the thought. Jensen would let him do anything he wanted, anything! And now Jensen was blushing, the blood tinting the skin on his whole body and Jared was distracted enough for a moment while he had to stop and flick Jensen's nipple with his tongue, teasing the little nub of flesh until Jensen groaned.

“Tell me Jay, tell me what you want me to do.”   
“Can we . . . Jen are you sure?” He had to let Jensen take this decision but Goddess, he needed him to say yes so bad it was physically painful.

Jensen laughed, a deep full throated chuckle and Jared had never heard him make such a sound before, it was intoxicating, he loved that he had helped Jensen grow into this.

“Yes. I don't know what I'm saying yes to but, its you, Jay. I want all of you.”   
The feeling of pure joy at the thought was exhilarating as it coursed through his veins. He knew how he wanted this too, knew what would make this day even more special for both of them.

“I've been your bitch since the first time I saw you, you know that don’t you?”  
Jensen laughed again, his face as alive and alert as Jared had ever seen it. “Jay, I don't even know what that means.”  
“It means if you don't fuck me soon I'mma going to implode!”  
and that brought a another reaction from Jensen, first an eye roll but then a slow nod of his head as he figured out what Jared wanted.  
“oh God yeah, please Jay, I want that so much.” So much breath to his voice as though he was winded.

Then they were kissing again and Jared felt like he was melding into the body beneath him, the lean angles of Jensen's hip bones slotting against him, the steady throb of the pulse in Jensen’s cock that was making Jared's own cock swell again. Jensen was rutting into him, slow almost lazy, an ebb and flow of movement in rhythm with the noise of the waves as they crashed onto the shore. It made Jared feel giddy. He already felt like he was going more than a little crazy from the feather light kisses Jensen was dotting along his collar bone, stopping occasional to whisper, “So perfect, “ and love you so much” into Jared's skin.

Jared finally didn't want to wait any longer, he wanted more than anything now to feel Jensen filling him, to feel that silken, gorgeous length press inside him, he moaned at the thought and thanked everything he worshipped that he'd packed lube, he hadn’t dared to assume anything would happen with Jensen that weekend but he had hoped.

He held out the tube to Jensen who looked at him blankly before saying patiently, “Jay, baby, you have to show me. I don’t know how.”  
It hit him again them the amount of trust and faith that Jensen had in him, that he was prepared to do anything Jared wanted without even knowing anything about what to expect.

Jared breathed slowly, as he tried to maintain enough composure to talk Jensen through what was needed. Jared poured a little of the cool slick onto Jensen's hand, “this is lube, you cant use too much of it, not for the first time anyway,” he guided Jensen’s hand down between his legs. His hand just large enough to covered Jensen's completely, “I'm used to my own fingers so it wont be a problem but . . . when we . . . if it looks like I'm hurting then just wait for a minute. let me adjust.”

Jensen looked doubtful for a minute, catching his lip between his teeth and Jared had to lean up to kiss him again it was just so damned adorable. “It'll be awesome, Jen”, Jay promised, “But you have to go real slow, help me get ready.” He gently guided Jensen's finger backwards, “Just one to start with,” and then Jensen was opening him up so slowly and tenderly it was incredible.  
Just the thought that it was Jensen here doing this was overwhelming, Jared's breathing was getting ragged as Jensen gradually added a second finger then a third. The stretch was amazing now though and Jared was half tempted to just straddle Jensen and impale himself on that gorgeous, swollen length right now. 

“More please more” he gasped and he could feel Jensen smile in to his neck,   
“Is this right?” he asked so innocently and the thought that no one else had ever had this with Jensen, that he was so completely untouched, so pure was sweet. More cool slick and He could feel Jensen’s movements getting more confident, moving a little, twisting and exploring until suddenly he hit that spot that had Jared cursing and arching up from the mattress. 

When he opened his eyes it was to a pleased little smirk, “guess I have to do that again,” Jensen drawled and made good on his word, his fingers slowly fucking in to Jared until he was flushed and panting, his cock drooling pre-come onto his belly,   
“Please Jen, fuck me now, I need you inside me, baby please.” He was begging helplessly but this was Jensen, buried knuckle deep inside him and he needed, fuck! he needed like he'd never felt before.

More slick drizzles over the heated flesh of Jensen's cock and he gasped and cursed and it was so pretty to see it made Jared's cock twitch again, more fluid spurting onto his belly. He could never remember being this turned on before and then he rolled Jensen between his thighs, “there are other positions that might be easier” he explained breathlessly, “but I need to see your face, need to look into your eyes while we do this.”

Another kiss, sloppy and uncoordinated now, both of them too turned on to take their time with this any longer and then the blessed feel of the press of flesh at his hole. And Jensen was so gentle, treating him as though he were so fragile, entering him by slow careful degrees until he couldn't take it any longer and he hooked his ankles behind Jensen’s thighs and yanked him in close.

Matching gasps then silence for a few seconds, both of them too mind blown by the feeling to do anything, but then, as Jensen started to pull back and thrust in again Jared couldn't keep quiet any longer. “Love you so much baby, fuck! Jensen, wanted you for so long so good, fuck! please,” until it was just running together as a litany of Jensen's name interspersed with pleas for more that was just a garbled babble of sounds.

He put his own hand down to touch his cock where it was trapped between them and Jensen swatted it away with a quiet, “love you too. Jay, love you so much,” as he grasped Jared's cock in his own hand. His movements were getting more erratic now but Jared was too close to the edge to care. He was just overwhelmed at being filled by Jensen; Jensen’s hand on him, Jensen’s breath hot against his neck and he knew there were tears leaking from his eyes with the intensity of it all.

Jensen’s hips were stuttering now, the movements so erratic but still feeling intense and so god-damned amazing that Jared could feel his own balls tightening, the heat building in his belly. Jensen went rigid suddenly; calling out Jared's name as he fell forward, and Jared could feel Jensen's orgasm pulsing deep inside him. “Love you, Jared, fuck, love you, oh my god so much,” Jensen gasped and Jared was so far gone now he couldn't really respond.

“fuck, fuck, fuck!” he chanted as Jensen brushed his thumb across the crown of Jared's already over sensitive cock and that was enough to send him tumbling over the edge again, his vision sparkling and nerve endings alight over his whole body.

He lay there, gasping helplessly, giving a needy little whine of loss as Jensen pulled out, to roll onto the mattress next to him. Blindly Jared groped for Jensen's hand, not willing to break contact now after the intense intimacy they had just shared.

“that was . . . God! I've never . . . I didn't imagine it could be like that.” Jensen's face was a picture of amazement.  
“Me either.” Jared turned his head to press a kiss to Jensen's shoulder, the nearest bit he could reach without moving. “I've only ever given before, you were my first too, Jen.”  
“Oh,” the sound that Jensen made was a happy little gasp of pleasure and Jared gave a lazy grin, he felt utterly sated. Too fucked out to move.

“How do we clean up?” Jensen asked, idly running his finger through the sticky mess of Jared's cum on his stomach.  
“That bag over there, Isis gave me a couple packets of baby wipes.”  
“Thoughtful and practical, that's typical of her,” Jensen grinned and despite his exhaustion Jared chuckled, he loved to hear Jensen laugh and joke like this.

Jensen cleaned them both up with a handful of wipes then pulled Jared into his arms, Jared curled into the embrace happily, he loved taking care of Jensen but being more equal like this was even better. He rested his head on Jensen's chest, feeling the steady beat of his his heart as much as hearing it. Loving the feel of Jensen’s hand sifting through his hair. He felt loved as never before and knew he loved Jensen every bit as much in return.

“Jensen . . . I . . .When Jadie died no one had to tell me, I just knew the instant it happened; I started to scream, it felt like a my soul had been torn in half.” Jensen didn’t say anything but tightened his hold a little pulling Jared in even closer. “I didn't stop screaming until I was sedated, my mom took me to the hospital and we were there when the ambulance brought them in.” 

Jensen's fingers moved to stroke Jared's face; soft, feather light touches over his cheeks and forehead. “I've never heard you say her name before.”   
“No.” Jared agreed, “I don’t usually, it makes it hurt all over again, or it used to.” He pressed a kiss over Jensen's heart. “Jen, I've always carried that hole with me, that empty space in my heart that felt like I'd been torn in two, but when I'm with you it's not there any more, you make me whole again.”

He didn't even realise he was crying again until Jensen brushed the tears away, still cradling him close, pressing kisses into his hair and down the side of his face. He let Jensen tend to him, taking all the comfort his lover had to give, he could feel how happy Jensen was that he was able to help Jared like this, that Jared truly did need Jensen as much as Jensen needed him.

Though it was still only early afternoon they dozed together for a while, lulled by the soporific sound of the waves and the fuggy warmth of the tent.

 

It starts something like this . . . a girl walks into a bar . . . only it was more of a coffee shop really and at twenty six I was verging more towards being a woman than a girl. I was fed up on a dreary Sunday evening, in a grump because my last relationship had split messily and most of my friends had vanished along with my girlfriend. 

You know how it is? when you're with someone for a while and you think all your friends are mutual and then it ends and it turns out they were her friends all the time. So I couldn't find anyone's shoulder to cry on and It was shitty weather and I was in a shitty mood and I was going to stay in the apartment and sulk. I'd been doing it for nearly three weeks now and I'd got it down to a fine art.

I'd not left the house except to go to work in that whole time and I was really wallowing in it despite the fact that the relationship had been on the rocks for some time. How does that old song go? “You don't know what you've got till it's gone.” I was trying to kid myself it was like that, that our romance had been epic and I was still calling her every other day to beg for another chance.

By Sunday evening I'd eaten all the comfort food so I headed out to the little convenience store on the corner to buy wine and chocolate and ice cream but on the way I saw that there was a live music night at the café Violetta and my baby brother, Steve was one of the acts. I remembered then he'd mentioned it the last time I'd seen him and it was kind of a big deal to him. 

I felt guilty for not remembering sooner, I wasn't really dressed for a night out but hell, it wasn't as though I had anyone to impress any more and Steve wouldn't notice if I turned up wearing a trash bag. As it was the black jeans and oversized sweater I had on weren't the height of glamorous sophistication but they wouldn't get me kicked out either.

The little place was surprisingly crowded and I realised my little brother had built up quite a following, his baby blue eyes and cheeky grin smiling at me from more than a handful of T-shirts. I looked round for somewhere to sit but all the tables were full and there was only standing at the area near the bar. I wasn't in the mood for standing up all night even for Steve and I nearly turned round and walked out again, sibling loyalty only goes so far. but as I turned I saw a spare chair at a table near the back. I hesitated as I walked over not wanting to interrupt someone else’s date night, the man and woman sat there looked pretty wrapped up in each other but they invited me to join them. She insisted they were just friends on a night out and it was always a treat to meet new people, him going so far as to pour me a glass of wine out of their bottle.

I was blonde back then, my hair still long enough to sit on, although I hadn’t brushed it I knew it gave me that just fallen out of bed look that some people really go for. I tossed it over my shoulder, angling my body towards her, giving her most of my attention, men didn't really ping loud on my radar however sparkly their blue eyes or chiselled their cheekbones. 

She was something else though, older then me but pretty in the way that older women can be, her skin looked soft, almost edible and she made my blood sing with that siren call that was waking up all my senses and had me thanking everything there was that I’d decided to go out that night, this was better than all the chocolate and ice cream in the world and Alison was forgotten without a second thought. 

She chatted happily enough, got the introductions out of the way and even her name was enticing, Angel and it suited her, she seemed so sweet and gentle as she talked, seemed so genuinely interested in everything I had to say. Pretty soon we were really getting into it, the conversation was flowing as fast as the music, with her getting more animated as she drank another glass of wine. The way the colour was rising in her cheeks was gorgeous and I was mesmerised by the shapes her mouth made as she talked. And she might insist that he was just her best friend but the unresolved sexual tension he directed towards her was so thick you could practically see it rolling off him in waves. The fact that he wanted her so much just made her even more desirable.

I moved my chair round the table then, ostensibly so I could see the stage area and Steve better but actually to get even closer to her and see if I was reading the signals wrong. I let my fingers brush against hers as I passed my glass over for a refill and felt the little jolt of recognition spark through her. I knew I wasn't wrong when she made an excuse to brush an eye lash off my cheek, her fingers cool but feeling like they were lighting fires where they brushed against my skin.

And all the time, him, watching us. Those intense blue eyes so steady as they looked at her, anticipating her every need. 

My poor Misha, I know now the terror and hopelessness he was feeling, but at the time I was still caught up in the little bubble where I couldn't see past Angel, even her name was exotic and wonderful. But bless him, he didn't act crappy or get aggressive or any of the things jealous men usually do, I know now that he would do literally anything to make her happy and if that meant let her have me then he would do anything in his power to help that happen. So he moved his chair further away, ordered another bottle of wine, and pretended not to notice when I rested my hand on her thigh. 

She trembled with desire, or fear, or maybe a little of both, I could feel the tremors running through her skin. I moved my hand higher and she didn't try and stop me, her lips parted and her she licked them, not trying to be sexy, just because her mouth was suddenly dry. Knowing that I was causing her reactions was heady and exciting. Hidden by the table, my index finger was riding the crease at the junction of her thighs, close enough to felt the heat radiating from her cleft. The music was loud, pumping through my blood, making me feel wild, daring. 

“I only live round the corner,” I offered, “Do you want to come back for a coffee?” Yeah, I know, we were both being clichéd that night, but they are clichés for a reason, its because they work. She looked torn then, first at me then over at Misha, fear and lust and something else warring on her face. 

I think that's when I saw him for the first time, really saw him, the love and purity that radiated from him, those eyes that showed his soul and the depth of his love for her. It clicked something in me, like a switch or a light bulb moment, for perhaps the first time in my life the gender of the body didn't matter. Both of these people were special, I wanted both of them, to grab them and hold them tight and never let go.

“Misha can come too,” I suggested, trying to act casual, like I suggested threesomes with random strangers all the time. But they weren't strangers, I felt like I'd known them all my life and I didn't feel casual at all, my heart was in my throat at the thought they might refuse.

His face froze, then he closed his eyes, unable to look at either of us and I was terrified that it was the wrong thing to say, that maybe he got his rocks off by setting her up and I just ruined it all or something. I couldn't stand to even look at him any more, his face looked so blank and closed off, it was as though he'd erased himself completely. 

I turned to her instead, fearful that I would see horror or disgust written on her face.   
“Yeah?” she said thoughtfully, and she looked from me to him and back again. Her eyes closed for a long, long moment and while they did I saw Misha had opened his eyes again and I met Misha's gaze and the longing I could read there was breath taking. When she opened them again she smiled, “Yes, that would be okay . . . that really would be okay.” There was wonderment in her voice and Misha looked like all his birthdays and Christmas’s had come at once; I felt the same way.

And all at once there was no hurry, like if we took our time it was only making the anticipation build and grow. Steve came over in between sets and sat and drank a beer with us, I felt like every little glance or quirk of our lips was sending signals that only we could understand and as soon as Steve left us I stood up to go. Even though they had agreed I could hardly believe it when they followed me out. 

We walked separately, hands deep in our pockets, unconsciously mirroring each others postures,or maybe not trusting ourselves, knowing that if our hands touched even briefly we wouldn't be able to stop.

When we got in through the door, Misha stood back, I could see him do it deliberately, as though now he finally had permission he didn't know what to do with it. if I knew then how long he'd waited for it I might have been a bit more sympathetic, as it was I had my hands in Angels glorious waves of hair and her mouth under mine without a second thought and the way she responded was incredible. I felt like I was drugged as I lost myself in the taste of her, I could feel her shyness and I slowed my pace until she matched me, our bodies feeling in perfect synch. She was just taller than me and we slotted together perfectly, my knee working its way between her legs as she ground against me with a moan.

It wasn't until I felt a hand on my face, larger than I was used to that I realised Misha had come up behind her, was pressing in close and had his hand on her hip. He stroked down my cheek, gently as though asking for permission and I turned my head and pressed a kiss into his palm. 

Somehow we made it through to the bedroom and shed our clothes., dizzy with wine and lust I'm a little hazy on details, I know how glorious it felt, that first press of naked skin as we twined round each other, trading kisses back and forth, the way her mouth felt against my nipple, the way she gasped as I returned the favour. 

I felt Misha's cock, hard against my thigh and it was a revelation, I hadn't been fucked by anything not made of silicone for years. The heat of it and the throb of his pulse was so alien to me but suddenly I wanted it, my mouth literally watered for it. And she obviously felt the same way because suddenly we were both on our knees, kissing each other and taking turns with him like kids with a lollipop. The taste of him was indescribable, male and strong and I shared it with her, back and forth until we both had out mouths on him, tongues tangling then licking him and tasting the beads of pre-come as they pearled on the tip of his cock. 

He came almost without warning, shocking in the intensity of it but still we sucked and licked him, sharing the taste of him together as he twined his fingers through our hair and god dammed whimpered at the intensity of it all. 

When we moved things to the bed we kissed him down from his orgasm our mouths all meeting together, I don’t think I've ever kissed as much in any relationship as we do, as we did right from the start. Maybe its part of how we learned each other, how we fused ourselves so tight together. Then suddenly I was on my back and his head was between my legs and she was straddling my face, and fuck but it was hard to get any sort of rhythm going when he was so skilled at what he was doing. 

 

I could feel full body shudders making me shake and jolt and her pussy was so sweet pressed against my face as I suckled on the little pearl of her clit, the noises she made were amazing. Although I couldn't get any sort of coordination going I was driving my tongue as deep inside her as I could go, feeling her sweetness run down my throat as I tensed up and climaxed as he sucked my clit and thrust his fingers into my cunt. It felt like I crested the wave over and over again, I couldn’t remember coming so hard in my life. When I could think again it struck me as funny that she should be the one kept waiting when it had been all about her at the start but then I couldn't think again as he leaned up to lick the taste of her from my mouth before lifting her to straddle him. 

I couldn't help but gasp as I saw the thick swollen tip of his cock press into her, the moisture I had caused lubing the way so that he slid in easy though he was big enough to make her gasp. Another one of those endless, mind blowing three way kisses, where we seemed to fuse into one being again then she began to rock against him. I slid my hand between them, angling my fingers to drag over her clit and saw her head roll back, And we were a circle of loving then, my hand where they joined, my mouth on her breast and then those clever fingers were on my clit again, his tongue flicking at my nipple, her hand tangled in my hair. 

And they stayed. That was the awesome thing, I guess I figured that it was just some way of getting whatever it was between them over and done with? Like maybe it hadn't been about me at all, I felt irrelevant as he kissed her down from her final orgasm of the night. Then I had a blinding moment of perfect clarity, that this was where we could grow and be amazing together or I could be selfish and childish and throw it all away. Tears streaked her face so I wiped them away, spooning round her to try and physically infuse her with whatever comfort I could give.

Then suddenly she was reaching for me, her hand in mine. His head pillowed on my breasts as we lay there together, no need for words, just soft touches and gentle kisses; until his nurturing streak came to the fore and he went to get a wash cloth, helped us clean up a bit and made drinks. Foraging in my fridge to find food, he's been the same ever since, bless him, always trying to feed us and look after us.

We lay awake long into the night just talking, his hands so strong and large and warm, gently stroking down our skin, almost absently. And it seemed like we'd been doing this for a hundred lifetimes already because we knew each other on such a deep and intimate level.

And so we've talked and kissed and loved our way through nearly six years. it seemed just so right somehow the way we found each other, the way everything evolved but how we knew from the start we were meant to be together. 

I see the same thing again now, in the way Jared and Jensen look at each other. I watched Jared grow from a gawky twelve year old, always wise beyond his years but sometimes starved for the company of his peers, into the handsome, sociable young man he is now and it warms my heart to think he has found someone so right for him. Even if at the same time I'm afraid of what they are going to have to deal with to be together properly.

The fear radiates from Jensen all the time, I know Misha and Angel are scared for him too, or maybe Angel is more concerned about that dear little girl. Either way it's a terrible situation but I feel so helpless. According to Jared the only one to be physically abused is Jensen and he's an adult, there seems to be no way of intervening to stop this, not until Jensen himself is ready to leave.

Funny how your mind replays things from the past sometimes, I'm sure there's a lesson for me to learn from it somewhere. I have a lot of time to think now, these dreamy drowsy hours in the dark with Sepphy latched onto my breast, the bond of closeness that I feel with her surpassing anything I've ever felt before. As she falls asleep I offer up a prayer of thanks for her and for the boys. I think this weekend will be for them the way that first night was for us. Where they finally fuse themselves into one soul, one being and I'm thankful for that.

 

There was a small rocky outcrop, a finger that pointed out into the water and Jensen carefully picked his way over the rocks towards the very tip of it, to find a place where he could perch and look out over the ocean. He had put on a pair of shorts just in case, despite the fact that the beach was deserted. Jared was still sleeping and Jensen was actually glad about that. 

What they had just experienced together was so mind blowing for Jensen that he actually wanted some space to think it over. 

He looked out at the sea, lulled for a while by its beauty, the way the afternoon light was sparkling off the water. His left hand was stinging and he looked at it, almost surprised to see the raised welts his father had inflicted, was it only that morning? It felt like a whole other world away. He leaned down and let his hand rest in the water, letting the pain be washed away by the cool of the ocean. He didn't want anything spoiling what had just happened, not just the physical intimacy though that had been amazing, but the emotional connection too.

God , he prayed there aren't the words to thank you enough for bringing Jared into my life, help me be worthy of him. Please let me get stronger and see a way out of this. Protect Maggie while I'm away, Lord please, keep her safe.   
Thank you for bringing me here to this place now, it wasn't so very long ago that I was so shut down and scared. Lord thank you for Jared and hows he's helped me learn how to live the life you gave me, please, please let me be with him.”

He couldn't help thinking again about his father again, he couldn't begin to imagine how severe the consequences might be if he found out about Jared, about the way Jensen felt about him. 

It didn't matter any more, the way he felt at the moment nothing mattered but him and Jared, he looked back up the beach but it was still deserted, he'd just made up his mind to go back to the tent to wake him when he heard splashing, he turned round just in time to see Jared surging up out of the water towards him, covering him in water and he laughed. “Jesus, man you made me jump!” 

Jared shook himself like a dog, water droplets showering everywhere and covering Jensen with another layer of water. Jared took his hand and they sat looking out at the horizon, “It's all so perfect,” Jensen breathed and Jared looked at him so serious all of a sudden. 

“You're perfect, Jen. I promise I won;t ever hurt you, I will respect you with my body and soul, I will worship you with my whole being, I love you.”  
“Jensen felt choked by his words, “You're my soul mate, you've given me my body and my voice and they are yours forever, I will always cherish you.” 

Jared's hands were on his face pulling him close for another kiss, so intense it almost bruised. Jensen chuckled softly pulling back a little to catch his breath.

Dude! Did we just get married on a beach? “   
“Fraid so,” Jared agreed cheerfully, “we are such a cliché”  
Jensen chuckled and kissed him again, the water, the sun, this . . . it was all intoxicating. 

Water droplets still beaded Jared's sun tanned torso, he was so perfect to look at, as each droplet slid down his chest Jensen wanted to trace it's path with his tongue. “Fuck!”, he breathed quietly and Jared chuckled, 2It always sounds so funny to hear you swear, you never used to, I’m sorry I've corrupted you.”  
“I'm not!” Jensen retorted, he felt like a different person to he one who had set out that morning, confident and sexual, “I want you again,” and he couldn't hide the longing in his voice, “Is that okay, I mean, can we do it too often?”

Jared threw back his head and laughed and Jensen punched his arm lightly, “I'm serious!”   
“Oh babe, I know, I’m sorry, I don't mean to laugh but God! If you knew . . . you ask stuff like that and it pretty much fries my brain.”  
“Well tell me then!” Jensen loved the way Jared was looking at him now, his eyes were huge and dark, an almost predatory gleam in them. He placed his hand on Jared's leg, just where his board shorts ended, letting his fingers worm there way inside the wet fabric.

“No, we can't do it too often, I mean we might get sore I guess but on the whole if you can get it up we're good to go.” Jensen let his fingers spread and explore, and Jared shivered despite the sun, he breathed in deeply but then as Jensen had hoped he grasped Jensen's chin, kissing him thoroughly, fucking his tongue into Jensen's mouth and Jensen could feel his cock hardening, pressing against the confines of his shorts. 

“Reckon I'm up for going again,” he said breathlessly. “Do we get to take turns at this, do you get to fuck me this time? I'd like that, your cock, it's huge isn't it? Like the rest of you, I reckon it'd feel fucking awesome inside me.”   
“Jesus wept,” Jared's eyes rolled back in his head and he gave Jensen a look that was so hungry, like he was ready to eat Jensen whole, and Jensen loved the feeling of power that it gave him, that he could say just what he wanted and how he felt and it could cause Jared to react like this.

“Get back to the tent now,” Jared ordered and Jensen was as desperate to get back as Jared, both of them hurrying back over the rocks to their nook under the trees.

“On your knees for me, baby?”   
And Jensen was quick to comply, his cock felt heavy and the fire in his belly was growing.   
“What do you want, Jen?” Jared's voice was thick and husky and it made Jensen dizzy for a moment, “Anything ,Jay, god I don't know . . . you can do whatever you want.”  
And Jared's hands were scrabbling at his waistband, peeling the damp fabric off so that Jensen was naked and exposed. He heard Jared hitch in a breath as his lover arranged him, broad hands gently parting his ass cheeks he tensed a little preparing for the intrusion expecting Jared to use his fingers the way he himself had done earlier but instead there was a hot swipe of Jared's tongue over the sensitive skin.

“Oh!” Jensen couldn't help but give a shocked little gasp, he hadn't been expecting that, but Jared's hand now was on the small of his back, broad and warm and holding him still as he did it again and again, each time letting his tongue press against Jensen's hole a little firmer. 

The waves of pleasure grew more and more intense as Jared continued to work his tongue into Jensen's hole, when he eased his finger in too alongside it, Jensen felt his knees buckle. The feeling was so intense, so all encompassing and Jensen began to feel dizzy, it was so overwhelming. Jared did something else, moved his fingers and God but it felt good but it was “Too much, please, Jay, stop, its too much.” And he pulled away, rolling to lie in a foetal huddle on the mattress feeling scared and exposed.

And he felt so stupid because the blood was still pulsing in his cock and the physical sensations were amazing but he felt disconnected from Jared and more than a little like he could get lost and . . .   
“hush baby, it's okay, you're over thinking this.”   
And Jared's arms were around him, pulling him into a full body embrace. Jensen hid his face in Jared's neck, “I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.”  
Jared pressed against him but despite his erection he seemed only concerned with Jensen, shifting him back to look into his eyes and Jensen thanked God once again that he'd found this amazing man. 

“I'm sorry, I wanted to make you happy,” he muttered and Jared chuckled, biting softly into the flesh of Jensen’s neck.   
“Do you think it would make me happy if I thought you weren't enjoying it? Jen this isn't about me or you, it's about us. We can fuck or not, we can just lie here and wait till it gets dark and watch the stars or we can hike through the forest or we can go back and swim in the sea. All that matters is that we do it together.”

“I love you so much!” Tentatively Jensen reached down to touch Jared's cock, “and I really do want you to fuck me,” he said softly, “But . . . for now anyway, I need to see you . . . it was like . . . the feelings were too intense . . . and it was only feelings? Like I needed to see you for you to ground me.”

“Oh, Jen, fuck! love you too,” Jared kissed him then and it was soft and deep and slow, exploring each other as if it was the first time all over again.


End file.
